Humor Selections for March 10th, 2006

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An itinerant preached of the hellfire and damnation variety accosted ...

... an aged, sad-eyed farmer in the backblocks.

 "Do you realize judgment day is almost nigh!" he roared.

"When's it comin', then?" asked to old guy.

"It could come today or tomorrow," thundered the preacher.

"Well don't tell my old woman," cautioned the oldster. "She'll want to go both days."

Submitted by Lindsey, Melbourne, Australia

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The stewards at an outback racetrack had long suspected ...

a certain owner of doping his horse before a race. One meeting, just before the main race, the chief steward noticed this owner sneaking into the stable. He watched as he slipped something into the horses mouth, then grabbed his arm, shouting 'Got you at last. You'll be rubbed out for life over this, you rotten so and so."

The owner, never at a loss for words, smiled and said "Why, no mate, these are only home made sweets the wife makes. Settles him down before a big race, you see. Here - try one, they're real good." He slipped one into his own mouth in proof, and the steward, his sails deflated, had no option but to do the same.

The owner led the horse to the saddling paddock. "Get in front from the start and stay there," he told the jockey.

"Why so?" asked the jockey. "Is anything likely to pass me?"

The owner grimly replied " Only me and the chief steward."

Also submitted by Lindsey, Melbourne, Australia

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Before deploying to Iraq by a chartered airliner; the troops of the 48th Brigade Combat Team...

..., a National Guard unit, had to go through the same security checks that civilian passengers are required to follow prior to boarding the aircraft.

Lt/Col John King, the unit's commander, told his 280 fellow soldiers that FAA anti-hijacking regulations required passengers to surrender pocket knives, nose hair scissors and cigarette lighters.

"If you have any of those things," he said, almost apologetically, "put them in this box now."

After passing this inspection the troops were allowed to get on the aircraft with their assault rifles, body armor, helmets, pistols, bayonets and combat shotguns.

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store.

As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the post office is?"

The little boy replied, "Sure, just go straight down the street a couple of blocks and turn to your right."

The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town, and I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven."

The little boy replied with a chuckle, "Awww, come on; you don't even know the way to the post office!"

Submitted by Donna, Emmitsburg, Md.

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Trunk Monkey - take 1 - Download Video  

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, PA.

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They finally found Popeye's Mom!


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