Humor Selections for July 5th, 2006

     My Little Sister's Jokes > Recent Addition List

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Bubba went to a psychiatrist. Doc, he said, I've got trouble.

Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I'm going crazy!

Just put yourself in my hands for 1 year," said the shrink. Come talk to me 3 times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.

How much do you charge?

$80 per visit, replied the doctor.

I'll sleep on it, said Bubba.

Six months later the doctor met Bubba on the street. Why didn't you ever come to see about those fears you were having? asked the psychiatrist.

Well 80 bucks a visit 3 times a week for a year is an awful lot of money a bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money I went and bought me a new pickup!

Is that so... And how did a bartender cure you? He told me to cut the legs off the bed - ain't nobody under there now!

Submitted by Donna, Emmitsburg, Md.

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You are driving in a car at a constant speed.

On your left side is a valley, and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you.

In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car, and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Answer: Get off the children's carousel and next time, don't drink so much!

Submitted by Jamie, Frederick, Md.

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Recent Quips from Late Night - Take 12

"The flooding was so bad in Washington that New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin called the president and said, 'You're on your own pal.'" --Jay Leno

"President Bush will not concede that global warming may have something to do with this crazy weather though he has been conducting all official business wearing floaties." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The Census Bureau revealed today that Las Vegas is about to pass Washington, D.C. in population. The big difference between Las Vegas and D.C., of course, is that in Las Vegas people gamble with their own money." --Jay Leno

"He hasn't been affected by the rain. He's been able to get around just fine on the presidential boogie board, Cowabunga One." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Have you seen these huge rain storms all the way from Minnesota to New York? Or as Al Gore is calling it, global leaking." --Jay Leno

"Rush Limbaugh was detained at Palm Beach International Airport today for alleged possession of prescription drugs that didn't have his name on them. The news reports said he had prescriptions with two different doctors' names on them. One of the drugs was Viagra. Actually, the reason that he flies with Viagra is because if helps to prevent the person sitting in front of him from reclining his seat too far back." --Jimmy Kimmel

"A 140 year-old tree on the White House grounds fell over. The minute the tree fell over President Bush wasted no time in blaming it on the New York Times." --Jay Leno

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in Ft Worth so that they can breed their own stock.

They only have $600 left.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.

After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word".

We'll, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1.00 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her the word 'comfortable'".

The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your

ranch if you send her just the word "comfortable?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big.

She'll read it very slowly ... com-for-da-bull.

Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia

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Passing of the Royal Wind

It would seem that someone within the "royal ranks" passed wind whilst on the balcony much to the amusement of all.

Notice Betty's face in the first two photo's, then look at her final expression in picture three.
How guilty does Phil look?

Also Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia

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June 28th Humor Page