Humor Selections for January 18, 2006

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The Sad Passing of Common Sense

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird catches the worm, why life isn't always fair, and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies - don't spend more than you earn - and sound parenting strategies - adults, not children, are in charge.

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place, leading to reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using a mouthwash after lunch; a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only making the student's behavior worse.

Common sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job they failed to do in disciplining their children, and declined further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Panadol, sun lotion or a sticky plaster to a student, but could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live when the Ten Commandments became contraband, churches became businesses, and criminals received better treatment than their victims. It took a beating when you could no longer defend yourself from a burglar in your own home, and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common sense finally threw in the towel when a woman failed to realize that the cup of coffee she ordered was hot, so when she spilt some in her lap she sued the place and was awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; His wife, Discretion, his daughter Responsibility, and his son, reason. He is survived by three stepbrothers, I Know My Rights, Someone Else is to Blame, and I'm a Victim.

Very few attended the funeral, as so few realized he was gone.

If YOU remember him, pass this eulogy on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

Submitted by Lindsey, Melbourne, Australia

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A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase some sheer lingerie for his wife.

He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price.

He opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.

Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, do the modeling naked, return it Tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself." So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think that for $500, they'd at least Iron it!"

He never heard the shot.

Funeral is on Friday

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Notable Notices

  • Found god? If nobody claims Him in 30 days, he's yours!
  • Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
  • My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
  • God always has another custard pie up his sleeve.
  • The thing most generally raised on land is taxes.
  • If I were two faced, would I wear this one?
  • Seen on baby's bib: SPIT HAPPENS
  • Health is slowest possible rate at which one can die.
  • A husband is a lover who pushed his luck too far.
  • If it ain't broken, play with it until it is.

Submitted also by Lindsey, Melbourne, Australia

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A little old lady from Newfoundland had worked in her family dairy farm ...

...  since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work and little compensation. When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores in approximately the 1940's, she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan. The producers wanted a rhyme beginning with "Carnation Milk is best of all...."

She thought to herself, I know all about milk and dairy farms... I can do this! She sent in her entry, and about a week later, a black limo drove up in front of her house... a man got out and said, "Carnation LOVED your! entry so much, we are here to award you $1000, even though we will not be able to use it..."

Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, Pa.

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