Humor Selections for February 15th, 2006

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Ten Peeves that Dogs Have About Humans
  1. Blaming your farts on me... not funny... not funny at all !!!
  2. Yelling at me for barking.. I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG, YOU IDIOT!
  3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?
  4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose... stop it!
  5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.
  6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo what a proud moment for the top of the food chain.
  7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back!
  8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.
  9. Dog sweaters. Hello ???, Haven't you noticed the fur?
  10. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.

Submitted by Don, Hagerstown, Md.

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The Mayonnaise Jar and 2 Cups of Coffee 

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the two cups of coffee. 

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.

"Is the jar full?" he asked the students.

"Yes," they all chorused back.

So he picked up a box of small pebbles  and poured them into the jar, shaking it gently so that the pebbles worked their way between the balls.

"Uh huh, is it full now?"

"Absolutely"' they replied

So he picked up a box of sand and poured it in also. Shaking gently, the jar was soon full.

"How about now? Is it full yet?"

A unanimous "Yes" answered him.

So he produced two cups of coffee from under the bench and poured them in, without any overflowing.

"Well," he said with a smile, "How about now?"

He was greeted with a big laugh, the students knowing the joke was on them.

"Well," said the professor, "I want you to recognize that the jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things - your god, family, your children, health, friends. your favorite passions. Things that if everything else was lost and only they remained your life would still be full.

"The pebbles are the other things that matter, like your job, your house, your car, and the sand is everything else - the small stuff.

"If you put the sand in first there is no room for pebbles or golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on small stuff you will never have room for the things that are really important.

"So pay attention to to the things that are critical to your happiness. Take time to play with your children. Get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18. Help some one in need.

"There will always be time to clean the house or fix the window. Take care of golf balls first. Set your priorities. Everything else is really only sand".

One of the students raised her hand and asked what the coffee represented.

The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."

Submitted by Lindsey, Melbourne, Australia

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Ronald Reagan certainly had a way with a phrase ...
  • Here's my strategy on the Cold War: We win, they lose." - Ronald Reagan
  • "The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help." - Ronald Reagan
  • "The trouble with our liberal friends is not that they're ignorant: It's just that they know so much that isn't so." - Ronald Reagan
  • "Of the four wars in my lifetime none came about because the U.S. was too strong." - Ronald Reagan
  • "I have wondered at times about what the Ten Commandment's would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress." - Ronald Reagan
  • "The taxpayer: That's someone who works for the federal government but doesn't have to take the civil service examination." - Ronald Reagan
  • "Government is like a baby: An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other." - Ronald Reagan
  • "If we ever forget that we're one nation under God, then we will be a nation gone under." - Ronald Reagan
  • "The nearest thing to eternal life we will ever see on this earth is a government program." - Ronald Reagan
  • "I've laid down the law, though, to everyone from now on about anything that happens: no matter what time it is, wake me, even if it's in the middle of a Cabinet meeting." - Ronald Reagan
  • "It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession. I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first." - Ronald Reagan
  • "Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it." - Ronald Reagan
  • "Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book." - Ronald Reagan
  • "No arsenal, or no weapon in the arsenals of the world, is so formidable as the will and moral courage of free men and women. - Ronald Reagan

Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, Pa.

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Redneck Portable Computer

Submitted by Lindsey, Melbourne, Australia

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Feb 13th Humor Page