Humor Selections for November 16, 2005

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25 Things You Should Have Learned by Middle Age
  1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
  2.  Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very often.
  3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
  4. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
  5. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
  6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
  7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
  8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
  9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
  10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
  11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
  12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
  13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
  14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
  15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
  16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
  17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
  18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
  19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
  20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
  21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
  22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
  23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
  24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
  25. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried.

Submitted by Don, Hagerstown, MD.

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The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello."

"Mrs. Ward, please."


"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory.

When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's."

"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Ward.

"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

Submitted by Andy Gettysburg, Pa.

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You Know You're in Arizona When:
  • - You've signed so many petitions to recall governors that you can't remember the name of the incumbent.
  • - You notice your car overheating before you drive it.
  • - You can say Hokam and people don't think you're laughing funny.
  • - You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water.
  • - You see more irrigation water on the street than there is in the Salt River.
  • - You know a swamp cooler is not a happy hour drink.
  • - You can say 115 degrees without fainting.
  • - You can be in the snow, then drive for an hour and it will be over 100 degrees.
  • - You have to go to a fake beach for some fake waves.
  • - You discover, in July, that it only takes two fingers to drive your car.
  • - You can make sun tea instantly.
  • - You run your air conditioner in the middle of winter so you can use your fireplace.
  • - You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
  • - You realize that Valley Fever isn't a disco dance.
  • - Hotter water comes from the cold water tap than the hot one.
  • - You can pronounce the words: "Saguaro", "Tempe", "Gila Bend", "San Xavier", "Canyon de Chelly", "Mogollon Rim", "Cholla", and Tlaquepaque".
  • - It's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is moving on the streets.
  • - You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
  • - Sunscreen is sold year round, kept at the front of the checkout counter, a formula less than 30 spf is a joke, and you wear it just to go to Circle K.
  • - Some fool can market mini-misters for joggers and some other fools will actually buy them.
  • - Hot air balloons can't go up, because the air outside is hotter than the air inside.
  • - No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car.
  • - You can understand the reason for a town named "Why."

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