Humor Selections for November 14, 2005

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A couple was delighted when their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end.

 The adoption center called and told them that there was a wonderful Russian baby boy available. The couple accepted him without hesitation.

On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses. After they filled out the forms, the registration clerk inquired, "What ever possessed you to study Russian?"

The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Russian baby. In a year or so, when he begins to talk, we want to be able to understand him."

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This is why "Sports Scholarship" is an oxymoron . . .
  • "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle"  - Bill Peterson, a Florida State footballl coach
  • "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes." - Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wwing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker
  • "You guys line up alphabetically by height" - Bill Peterson, a Florida State footballl coach
  • "I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests don't seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven't been through in school." - Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was iineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements
  • "I know the Virginia players are smart because you need a 1500 SAT to get in. I have to drop bread crumbs to get our players to and from class"  - George Raveling, Washington State baskketball coach
  • "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton." - Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King
  • "I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to." - Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visiited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece 
  • "The ballparks have gotten too crowded. That's why nobody goes to see the game anymore." -ogi Berra
  • "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." - Senior basketball player at the Universsity of Pittsburgh
  • "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." - Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann

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Have Your Seen My Grandpa?

The computer swallowed grandpa.
Yes. Honestly, it's true,
He pressed 'control' and enter
And disappeared from view.
It's devoured him completely,
The thought just makes me squirm.
Maybe he's caught a virus
Or been eaten by a worm
I've searched through the recycle bin
And files of every kind,
I've even used the internet
But nothing I could find.
I asked Yahoo in desperation
My searches to refine,
The reply from him was negative
Not a thing was found on line.
So if someday in your inbox
My grandpa you should see,
Please 'Scan', 'Copy', and 'Paste' him
In an email back to me.

Submitted by Lindsey, Melbourne, Australia

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Tips for Positive Aging
  • Throw out non-essential numbers. This includes age, weight, height, let the doctor worry about them. That's why we pay him/her.
  • Keep learning: About computers, crafts, bridge, gardening, whatever. NEVER let the brain get idle.
  • Enjoy at least one simple thing each day.
  • Laugh often, loud and long.
  • Remember, tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on.  The only person who is with us our entire life is ourselves.
  • While you are alive, BE alive.

Submitted by Lindsey, Melbourne, Australia

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