Humor Additions for August 5th 2005

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Activities for the Inventive Receptionist
  • When everyone is at lunch, turn off every computer screen and put a post it note in the middle reading 'This screen has developed an electrical fault. Do NOT attempt to turn it on.'
  • Place a number of red rosebuds on the leaves of the reception areas green plant. When anyone asks, tell them it's been genetically engineered.
  • Put a sign on all restroom doors: 'Occupied until further notice.'
  • Balance a telephone directory on the partition between offices and remove all others. If anyone complains, tell them it's to promote sharing and protect trees.
  • Place a sign on the office refrigerator: 'The food in this refrigerator may be contaminated.'
  • Hang a large cardboard sign on the wall of the sales office reading 'So you want to travel? See new places, meet new and exciting people? Make new contacts, face new challenges? All this with our blessing? To find out how, turn sign over.
  • On the reverse write Just screw up one more time.
  • Hang a model airplane on a long spring from one corner of the reception ceiling, pin a notice to the plane 'for the use of visitors only'
  • Put 20 drops of cochineal coloring in the water cooler bottle, paste a note to the front 'The contents of this cooler have been sanitized.'

Submitted by Lindsey, Melbourne, Australia 

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George Carlin on ...

... Cows: Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington.. And they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give them all a cow.

On the Constitution: They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked for over 200 years and we're not using it anymore.

Ten Commandments: The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse? You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery", and "Thou Shall Not Lie" , in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians! It creates a hostile work environment

And Last but not least on Martha Stewart: "Boy, I feel a lot safer now that she's behind bars. O.J. Simpson and Kobe Bryant are still walking around; Osama Bin Laden too, but they take the one woman in America willing to cook, clean, and work in the yard, and haul her butt off to jail."

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A man goes into an adult entertainment shop and asks the assistant for an inflatable doll.

"Would you like male of female?"

"Female, please."

"Would you like Black, or White?"

"White, please."

"Would you like Christian or Muslim?"

This question confused the man . . . and he replied,

"What has the religion got to do with it? It's an inflatable doll!"

"Well," explained the assistant, "The Muslim one blows itself up!"

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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A young priest gets up in the morning and goes to breakfast.

On his way there two nuns look at him and he says, "Good morning sisters" and they reply in a sing song manner, "You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."

This stuns the priest who thought he had been very polite but he just goes on. He encounters a Brother a little while later along the way and he says, "Good morning Brother." The Brother replies in a sing song voice, "You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning." The priest looks confused at all this but goes on.

He gets a little farther and he comes across a fellow priest and he says, "Good morning Father." the priest replies in a sing song manner, "You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."

Now the priest was mad. He continues his walk to the dinning hall not saying a word to anyone. The Bishop sees him and says, "Father ..." The young priest was not going to take any more even from the bishop. He looks at the bishop and says, "No I did not get up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."

The bishop looks at him stunned and says "What?"

The priest realized his mistake and said "I am sorry your holiness, what is it you want."

The bishop looks at him and says, "All I was going to do was ask you why you had on Sister Ann's shoes?"

Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa.

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