Humor Additions for September 8th 2004

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Mother Superior was on her way to late morning prayers ...

... when she passed two novices just leaving early morning prayers, on their way to classes. As she passed the young ladies, Mother Superior said, "Good morning ladies."

The novices replied, "Good morning, Mother Superior, may God be with you." But after they had passed, Mother Superior heard one say to the other, "I think she got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning."

This startled Mother Superior, but she chose not to pursue the issue. A little further down the hall, Mother Superior passed two of the Sisters who had been teaching at the convent for several years. She greeted them with, "Good morning Sister Martha, Sister Jessica, may God give you wisdom for our students today."

"Good morning, Mother Superior. Thank you, and may God be with you." But again, after passing, Mother Superior overheard, "She got out of the wrong side of bed today." Baffled, she started to wonder If she had spoken harshly, or with an irritated look on her face. She vowed to be more pleasant.

Looking down the hall, Mother Superior saw retired Sister Mary approaching, step by step, with her walker. As Sister Mary was rather deaf, Mother Superior had plenty of time to arrange a pleasant smile on her face, before greeting Sister Mary. "Good morning, Sister Mary. I'm so happy to see you up and about. I pray God watches over you today, and grants you a wonderful day."

"Ah, Good morning, Mother Superior, and thank you. I see you got up on the wrong side of bed this morning."

Mother Superior was floored! "Sister Mary, what have I done wrong? I have tried to be pleasant, but three times already today, people have said that about me."

Sister Mary stopped her walker, and looked Mother Superior in the face. "Oh, don't take it personally, Mother Superior. It's just that you're wearing Father Murphy's slippers."

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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What a difference 100 years makes

The Year was 1904, which of course was a full century ago. The following statistics should boggle the mind. Things SURE can change in JUST 100 years.

  • The average life expectancy in the US was 47.
  • Only 14% of the homes in the US had a bathtub.
  • Only 8% of the homes had a telephone.
  • A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost $11.
  • There were only 8,000 CARS in the US and only 144 miles of paved ROADS.
  • The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.
  • Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California. With a mere 1.4 million residents, California was only the 21st most populous state in the Union.
  • The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower.
  • The average wage in the US was $0.22/hour.
  • The average US worker made between $200-$400/year.
  • A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year. A dentist $2,500 per year. A veterinarian between $1,500 to $4,000 per year; and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.
  • More than 95% of all BIRTHS in the US took place at HOME.
  • 90% of all US physicians had no college education. Instead, they attended medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press and by the government as "substandard."
  • Sugar cost $0.04/pound. Eggs were $0.14/dozen. Coffee cost $0.15/pound.
  • Most women only washed their HAIR once a month and used Borax or egg yolks for shampoo.
  • Canada passed a law prohibiting POOR people from entering the country for any reason.
  • The five leading causes of death in the US were:
    • Pneumonia & influenza
    • Tuberculosis
    • Diarrhea
    • Heart disease
    •  Stroke
    • (Cancer didn't make the top five because people didn't live long enough for it to happen.)
  • The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii, and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet.
  • The population of Las Vegas, Nevada was 30.
  • Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented.
  • There were no Mother's Day or Father's Day.
  • One in ten US adults couldn't read or write.
  • Only 6% of all Americans had graduated from High School.
  • Coca Cola contained cocaine AND marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at corner drugstores. According to one pharmacist, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and the bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health." (Wow! No wonder they called it the "good old days." lol!)
  • 18% of households in the US had at least one full-time Servant or domestic help.
  • There were only about 230 reported Murders in the entire US.

Now, just think what it will be like in another 100 years, in the year 2104.

Submitted by Debbie, Middletown, Md.

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One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool ...

... Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she Immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

Submitted by Bill, Narberth, PA.

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