Humor Additions for September 6th 2004

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An old nun, who was living in a convent next to a Brooklyn construction site ...

...  noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways. She decided she would take her lunch, sit with the workers and talk with them. She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating.

She walked up to the group and with a big smile said: "Do you men know Jesus Christ?"

They shook their heads and looked at each other.

One of the workers looked up into the steelwork and yelled "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"

One of the steelworkers yelled down a "Why"?

The worker yelled back. "His wife's here with his lunch."

Submitted by Pat, Smith Mt. Lake, Va.

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A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome ...

She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!" "Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.

So, where are you staying in Rome?" "We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further." I know that place. "Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say?"

He said, "Where'd you get the crappy haircut?"

Submitted by Debbie, Middletown, Md.

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Life Before the Computer

An application was for employment. A program was a TV show.
A cursor used profanity. A keyboard was a piano!

Memory was something that you lost with age. A CD was a bank account.
And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy, you hoped nobody found out!

Compress was something you did to garbage, not something you did to a file.
And if you unzipped anything in public, you'd be in jail for a while!

Log on was adding wood to a fire. Hard drive was a long trip on the road.
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived, and a backup happened to your commode!

Cut - you did with a pocket knife, paste you did with glue.
A web was a spider's home, and a virus was the flu!

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper, and the memory in my head.
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash, but when it happens they'll wish they were dead!

Submitted by Michele, somewhere in NJ

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Something spectators at golf tournaments don't have to worry about ...

Sept 1st Humor Page