Humor Additions for May 17th, 2004

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Thirty Reasons Why Men Might Have Two Dogs But Not Two Wives:
  • The later you are, the more excited they are to see you.
  • Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
  • If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
  • Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
  • A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.
  • Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
  • A dog's parents never visit. 8. Dogs do not hate their bodies.
  • Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
  • Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk.
  • Dogs seldom outlive you.
  • Dogs can't talk.
  • Dogs enjoy petting in public.
  • You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24-hours a day.
  • Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
  • Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
  • Another man will seldom steal your dog (except in KY or TN).
  • If you bring another dog home, your dog will happily play with both of you.
  • A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died would you get another dog?"
  • If you pretend to be blind, your dog can stay in your hotel room for free.
  • If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
  • A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
  • A dog won't hold out on you to get a new car.
  • If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad, they just think it's interesting.
  • On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater.
  • Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.
  • When your dog gets old, you can have it put to sleep.
  • Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
  • Dogs are not allowed in Bloomingdale's or Neiman-Marcus.

And, last but not least:

  • If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa.

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I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.
  • Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
  • I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.
  • I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.
  • I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
  • Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"
  • A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn...that was fun!"
  • I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I . . . . wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
  • When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."
  • Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
  • Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
  • Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
  • If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called Labor!
  • Wouldn't you know it...Brain cells come and brain cells go, but Fat cells live forever.
  • Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments can't be displayed in a federal building?
  • Bumper sticker of the year: "If you can read this, thank a teacher....and since it's in English, thank a soldier."

Submitted by Debbie, Middletown Md.

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Sometimes we wonder, "What did I do to deserve this?" ...

... or "Why did God have to do this to me?" Here is a wonderful explanation!

A daughter is telling her Mother how everything is going wrong, she's failing algebra, her boyfriend broke up with her and her best friend is moving away.

Meanwhile, her Mother is baking a cake and asks her daughter if she would like a snack, and the daughter says, "Absolutely Mom, I love your cake."

Here, have some cooking oil," her Mother offers. "Yuck" says her daughter.

"How about a couple raw eggs?"

"Gross, Mom!"

"Would you like some flour then? Or maybe baking soda?" "Mom, those are all yucky!"

To which the mother replies: "Yes, all those things seem bad all by themselves. But when they are put together in the right way, they make a wonderfully delicious cake!

God works the same way. Many times we wonder why He would let us go through such bad and difficult times. But God knows that when He puts these things all in His order, they always work for good! We just have to trust Him and, eventually, they will all make something wonderful!

Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, PA.

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