Humor Additions for May 14th, 2004

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One day, while a woodcutter was cutting the branch of a tree hanging over a river ...

..., his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"

The woodcutter replied that his axe had fallen into the water, and he needed the axe to make his living.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "No." The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord went down a third time and came up with an iron axe. Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?" "Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez.

"Is this your wife?" asked the Lord.

"Yes," cried the woodcutter.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is not the truth!"

The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me Lord, it is a misunderstanding.

You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said 'no' to her, You would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given all three to me.

Lord, I am a poor man, and I'm not able to take care of three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to Jennifer Lopez."

The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.

Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa.

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Say these things anywhere but at the stables and you may be in trouble!
  • He won't come into my hands.
  • There's nothing like having 17 hands between your legs.
  • I'm gonna get off now.
  • More leg less hand.
  • It was a great ride, but he's kinda sticky.
  • He needs a good 20 minute warm-up.
  • Relax your back, don't pinch with your knees ... go with the motion.... rock your pelvis......
  • When he gets excited he really foams up.
  • If he's not ridden 5 days a week he gets cranky.
  • I rode yesterday, but Suzy's riding him today.
  • Go ahead, ride him, you'll like it .... he'll be good for you and teach you quite a bit.
  • He can be ridden twice in one day.
  • Push!!!!
  • Go Go Go!!!
  • He's being a pig ... get his head up.
  • He bends to the left, but he's really stiff to the right.
  • He really over-reacts when I sit down into him.
  • Smack him if he refuses.
  •  Clean it quick before he sucks it back in.
  • Is she a maiden?
  •  Can I pat your Ass?
  • Has anyone seen my breast collar?

Submitted by Penny, Middleburg, Md.

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A dad walks into a market with his young son.

The kid is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help. A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the market.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"No," the woman replies. "Divorce Attorney."

Submitted by Larry, Walkersville, MD.

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True Rednecks take 1

May 12th Humor Page