Humor Additions for June 21st, 2004

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In a never-ending effort to attract the unchurched ...

..., some churches have considered translating their unfamiliar terminology into familiar football phrases:

  • Blitz: the rush for the restaurants that takes place two seconds after every benediction.
  • Blocking: talking endlessly to the pastor at the church door and keeping everyone else from exiting.
  • Coach: the children's Christmas program director.
  • Assistant coach: every mother who has a kid in the children's Christmas program.
  • Commercial: announcements.
  • Instant replay: the preacher loses his notes and falls back on last week's illustrations.
  • Draft choice: the decision to sit close to an air conditioning vent.
  • Draw play: what many children (and not a few adults) do with their bulletins during the service.
  • End zone: the pews.
  • Extra point: what you receive when you tell the preacher their sermon was too short.
  • First quarter: what most people put into the offering so it looks like they are giving.
  • Fourth quarter: the amount that makes up the $1 most people put into the offering when under peer pressure to give more.
  • Hail Mary: desperate move made by ushers in a last-ditch attempt to get people to put something in the plate.
  • Halftime: 1. Usually during the offertory when people decide they need to use the restroom. 2. The period between Sunday school and worship when many choose to leave.
  • Holding: passing on the offering place without putting in a cent.
  • Illegal motion: leaving before the benediction.
  • Interference: talking during the organ prelude.
  • Offsides: when everyone who typically sits on one side of the sanctuary switches to the other side for some reason, and/or sitting in someone else's pew.
  • Backfield-in-motion: making a trip to the back (restroom or water fountain) during the service.
  • Pass interference: a parent moving between two teens in the pew to halt the flow of notes back and forth during the sermon.
  • Quarterback sneak: 1. How the pastor gets from the pulpit to the rear door during the benediction. 2. Sunday school teachers entering the building five minutes after classes began.
  • Rain delay: baptism
  • Sudden death: the penalty to the pastor who preaches more than twenty minutes.
  • Tackle: asking that "new couple" to sing in the choir, work in the nursery, serve on a committee, join a bible study, and teach the middle schoolers before they get away.
  • Pass: when the new couple says no.
  • Time-out: refreshment time in the fellowship hall.
  • Two-minute warning: 1. The pastor's spouse looking at their watch in full view of the pastor. 2. The point at which you realize the sermon is almost over and begin to gather up your children and belongings.
  • Unsportsmanlike conduct: usually takes place at a committee meeting to decide on the color of carpet or some other thing.

Submitted by Pat, Blue Mt. Va.

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During his recent visit to England, George W. Bush met with the Queen.

He asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Bush frowned. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"

The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle."

To demonstrate, the Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"

Tony Blair walked into the room. "Yes, your majesty?"

The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answered," That would be me."

"Yes! Very good," says the Queen, turning to Bush with a smile.

Back at the White House, Bush asked to speak with vice president Dick Cheney. "Dick, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," said the vice president. "Let me get back to you on that one."

Dick Cheney went to his advisors, and then to Rumsfeld, and asked every one, but none gave him an answer. Finally, he ended up in the men's room and recognized Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall.

Cheney shouted, "Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"

Dick Cheney smiles. "Thanks!" Cheney went back to the Oval Office and to speak with Bush. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell."

Bush got up, stomps over to Dick Cheney, and angrily yelled into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, Pa.

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For those who love the philosophy of hypocrisy and ambiguity:
  • Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
  •  If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
  • The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
  • I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
  • What if there were no hypothetical questions?
  • If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
  • If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
  • Is there another word for synonym?
  • Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
  • What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
  • If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
  • Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
  • Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
  • If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
  • Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
  • If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
  • Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
  • How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
  • What was the best thing before sliced bread?
  • One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
  • Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
  • Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
  • How is it possible to have a civil war?
  • If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
  • If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
  • If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
  • Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have an "S" in it?
  • Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?
  • Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
  • Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
  • If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?
  •  Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?

Submitted by John, Ypsilanti, MI

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