Humor Additions for June 18th, 2004

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Keith and Joe are bungee-jumping one day ...

Keith says to Joe, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico. They don't have them there."

Joe thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money and buy everything they'll need; a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. When they had finished, there was such a crowd they thought it would be a good idea to give a demonstration. So Keith jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up Joe notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, Joe isn't able to catch him, and he falls again, bounces and comes back up again. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again Joe misses him. Keith falls again and bounces back up. This time he comes back pretty messed up; he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.

Luckily, Joe finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"

Barely able to speak, Keith gasps, "No, the bungee cord was fine. It was the crowd. What the heck is a PIYATA?"

Submitted by Debbie, Middletown, Md.

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One day, three men were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large raging river ...

.... They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so.

The first man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river."

Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river almost drowning a couple of times.

Seeing this, the second man prayed to god, saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river."

Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river, almost capsizing the boat a couple of times.

The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools...and the intelligence... to cross this river."

And poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge.

Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, Pa.

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Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married ...

... . The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

  • Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
  • A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
  • Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted. A sandwich walks Into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
  • A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
  • A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
  • Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
  • "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's Not Unusual."
  • Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.
  • An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
  • Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
  • A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy."
  • Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mom or my dad, or maybe my older brother Colin or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.
  • I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
  • I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
  • A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
  • I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
  • Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
  • What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
  • Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

Submitted by Barb

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