Humor Additions for June 16th, 2004

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Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Mexico City ...

... One has a cross in front of him, the other one the Star of David.

Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.

A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David.

Finally the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says:

"My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite."

The beggar behind the Star of David listens to the priest and, turning to the beggar with the cross says,

"Moshe... look who's trying to teach the Levine Brothers about marketing!"

Submitted by Pat, Smith Mountain Lake, Va.

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15 bits of advice mothers should pass on to daughters: 
  1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
  2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.
  3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.
  4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.
  5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.
  6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
  7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
  8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
  9. The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.
  10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
  11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
  12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
  13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.
  14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
  15. Sadly, all men are created equal. Send this to 10 BRIGHT Women to make their day!!!!!

Submitted by Cindy, Emmitsburg, Md.

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Excerpts from a dog's daily diary:

7:00 am - oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9:30 am - oh boy! A car ride! My favorite!
10:30 am - oh boy! A walk! My favorite!
12:30 am - oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!
1:00 pm - oh boy! The yard! My favorite!
4:00 pm - oh boy! The kids! My favorite!
5:00 pm - oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!
7:00 pm - oh boy! Playing ball! My favorite!
9:30 pm - oh boy! Sleeping on master's bed! My favorite!

Excerpts from a cat's daily diary:

DAY 1183 OF MY CAPTIVITY- My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. Pricks. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another house plant. Today my attempt to kill my captors, by weaving around their feet while they were walking, almost succeeded; must try this at the top of the stairs next time. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile bastards, I again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair. Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Damn! Not working according to plan. There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergeez." Must learn what the Hell this is and how to use it to my advantage. I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He must obviously be a bloody half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, appears to have become an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is preserved. But I can wait; it's only a matter of time...

Submitted by Vicki, Downingtown, Pa.

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June 14th Humor Page