The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself. "You know, dear," she says, "I look in the mirror, and I see an old woman.

My face is all wrinkled, my butt is hanging out a mile, I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby." She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."

He thinks about it for a bit and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."

Services will be held for him Saturday at St. Anselm's Memorial Chapel

Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, Pa.
 

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..., but he says no--he only lives a mile away. About five blocks from the party, the police pull him over for weaving and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a call for a robbery taking place in a house just a block away.

The police tell him to stay put; they will be right back - and they run down the street to the robbery. After a few minutes, the man decides to drive home. When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day.

A few hours later, the police knock on the door. They ask if a Mr. X lives there, and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been so all day. The police ask to see his car and she asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage and opens the door--where they find the police car, lights still flashing.

Submitted by Debbie, Middletown, Md.
 

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I'm writing this slow, because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your Dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last Louisiana family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well, though. Last week I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days, and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy-Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we had to cut them off. You can find them in the pockets.

Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your Pa out.

Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. It's the dangdest thing, but the baby looks just like your brother.

Uncle Bobby-Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated; he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Bubba was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends, Cletus and Buford, were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.

Your Favorite Aunt,

Mom

Submitted by Don, Hagerstown, Md.
 

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June 9th Humor Page