Humor Additions for Jan 21th, 2004

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I don't want to hire any wise-ass New Yorker, the foreman thought, so he made up a test ...

hoping that Vincenzo wouldn't be able to answer the questions, and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into a dispute.

"Widout numbiz?" Vinny says. "Dat's easy," and he proceeds to draw 3 trees.

 "What's this?" the boss asks. The New Yorker replies,

 "Ain't you got no brains?" Replied Viiny: "Tree 'n Tree 'n Tree makes nine. Faghedaboutit......"

"Fair enough," says the Boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time use the number 99."

Vinny stares into space for a minute, then picks up the picture he has drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Dare ya go, Buddy."

The Boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

Vinny says "Each a da tree's is dirty now! So it's dirty tree 'n dirty tree 'n dirty tree, dat's 99".

The Boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire the New Yorker, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules but this time use 100."

Vinny stares into space again, then picks up the picture once again, makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Dare ya go, Mac, a hunnert."

The Boss looks at the picture for a moment and says, "You must be nuts if you think that represents 100!"

Vinny leans forward and points to the marks at the base of the trees. "A little doggie comes along and does his business at each of dem trees, so now ya got dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an'a turd which makes one hundred. ...

..... Bada boom, bada bing. ........ When do I start the job?"

Submitted by Dolly, Myersville, MD.

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Test your IQ with the question below: There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush ...

... By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.

Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself? Think about it first before scrolling looking at the answer below ...

He just has to open his mouth and ask, so simple. If you got this wrong please - do not pass go, do not breed, just go dig a hole and hide.

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, MD.

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You Might Be A Republican If ...
  • You think "proletariat" is a type of cheese.
  • You've named your kids "Deduction one" and "Deduction two"
  • You've tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people were just allowed to keep more of their minimum wage.
  • You've ever referred to someone as "my (insert racial or ethnic minority here) friend"
  • You've ever tried to prove Jesus was a capitalist and opposed to welfare.
  • You're a pro-lifer, but support the death penalty.
  • You think Huey Newton is a cookie.
  • The only union you support is the Baseball Players, because heck, they're richer than you.
  • You think you might remember laughing once as a kid.
  • You once broke loose at a party and removed your neck tie.
  • You call mall rent-a-cops "jack-booted thugs."
  • You've ever referred to the moral fiber of something.
  • You've ever uttered the phrase, "Why don't we just bomb the sons of bitches."
  • You've ever said, "I can't wait to get into business school."
  • You've ever called a secretary or waitress "Tootsie."
  • You answer to "The Man."
  • You don't think "The Simpsons" is all that funny, but you watch it because that Flanders fellow makes a lot of sense.
  • You fax the FBI a list of "Commies in my Neighborhood."
  • You don't let your kids watch Sesame Street because you accuse Bert and Ernie of "sexual deviance."
  • You scream "Dit-dit-ditto" while making love.
  • You've argued that art has a "moral foundation set in Western values."
  • When people say "Marx," you think "Groucho."
  • You've ever yelled, "Hey hippie, get a haircut."
  • You think Birkenstock was that radical rock concert in 1969.
  • You argue that you need 300 handguns, in case a bear ever attacks your home.
  • Vietnam makes a lot of sense to you.
  • You point to Hootie and the Blowfish as evidence of the end of racism in America.
  • You've ever said civil liberties, schmivil schmiberties.
  • You've ever said "Clean air? Looks clean to me."
  • You've ever called education a luxury.
  • You look down through a glass ceiling and chuckle.
  • You wonder if donations to the Pentagon are tax-deductable.
  • You came of age in the '60s and don't remember Bob Dylan.
  • You own a vehicle with an "Ollie North: American Hero" sticker.
  • You're afraid of the liberal media."
  • You ever based an argument on the phrase, "Well, tradition dictates...."
  • You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch "lives in a trash can because he is lazy and doesn't want to contribute to society."
  • You've ever urged someone to pull themselves up by their bootstraps, when they don't even have shoes.
  • You confuse Lenin with Lennon.

Submited by Don, Hagerstwon, MD.

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Honey ... I lost my job today ... Take 4

Jan 19th Humor Page