Martian Air Force
Denies UFO Crash
Gusev Crater (MPI)
- A spokesthing for Mars Air Force
denounced as false rumors that an
alien space craft crashed in the
desert outside of Ares Vallis on
Saturday. Appearing at a press
conference today, General Rgrmrmy The
Lesser stated that "the object was, in
fact, a harmless high-altitude weather
balloon, not an alien spacecraft".
broke late Saturday night when a major
stationed at nearby Ares Vallis Air
Force Base contacted the Gusev Crater
Daily Record with a story about a
strange, balloon-shaped object which
allegedly came down in the nearby
desert, "bouncing" several times
before coming to a stop, and
"deflating in a sudden explosion of
alien gases." Minutes later, General
Rgrmrmy The Lesser contacted the Daily
Record telepathically to contradict
the earlier report. General Rgrmrmy
The Lesser stated that hysterical
stories of a detachable vehicle
roaming across the Martian desert were
blatant fiction, provoked by
incidences involving swamp gas. But
the general public has been slow to
accept the Air Force's explanation of
recent events, preferring to speculate
on the "other-worldly" nature of the
theorists have condemned Rgrmrmy's
statements as evidence of "an obvious
government cover-up," pointing out
that Mars has no swamps. They point to
the release of secret government memos
detailing attempts to discredit
reports of the landings by alien space
craft. The memos discuss strategies to
avoid troubles similar to those caused
by the War of the Worlds radio program
of years ago. The program, which
featured a sensational story of
gigantic oxygen breathing two-eyed
invaders from Earth, sparked planet
residents like Marvin and Martin, who
live in the area of the alleged
landings, are even more skeptical. "I
seen it with my own 5 eyes" claimed
Marvin last week. "I've lived here
over 300 years, most of my adult
life-form. Them things used to be few
and far between but lately they come
in every few years or so. The
government wants to bury the truth but
I can tell you what's real. The
Earthlings are going to invade and the
government is spending our hard earned
tax dollars on press releases and
denials instead of preparing for the
battle to come." A spokesthing denied
any government involvement in the
disappearance of Rhodo, who has not
been seen since shortly after the
interview, claiming "Any sentient
being knows that a planet with the
concentrations of water and oxygen
found on Earth is a deadly and
inhospitable environment for the
formation of life, much less
intelligent life. The fear and
consternation caused by the unfounded
and wild speculations of citizens like
Marvin are a traitorous disservice to
the citizens of Mars."
On a side
note, at a separate news conference
Prime Minister Hagar the Horrible
stated that Mars has never had Weapons
of Mass Destruction and if earthlings
did exist there would be no need for
them to come here.
Submitted by Don,
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of Page, Clean Joke List,
A nine year old boy asks
his mother, "Is God male or female?"
After thinking for a moment, his mother
responds, "Well God is both male and female."
This confuses the boy, so he asks, "Is God
black or white?"
"Well," she says, "God is both black and
This really confuses the boy, so he asks,
"Is God gay or straight?"
Feeling a bit out of her depth, but
wanting to be consistent, the mother answers, "Honey, God is both
gay and straight."
At this the boy's face lights up with
understanding and he triumphantly asks... "Is Michael Jackson
Submitted by Linn, Hagerstown, MD
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of Page, Groaner Joke List,
A guy was traveling through
Mexico on vacation when, lo and behold, he lost his wallet ...
and all identification. Cutting his trip
short, he attempts to make his way home but is stopped by the
Customs Agent at the border.
"May I see your identification, please?"
asks the agent.
"I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replies
"Sure, buddy, I hear that every day. No
ID, no crossing the border," says the agent.
"But I can prove that I'm an American!" he
exclaims. "I have a picture of Ronald Reagan tattooed on one butt
cheek and a picture of George Bush on the other."
"This I gotta see," replies the agent.
With that, Joe drops his pants and bends over in front of the
"By golly, you're right!" exclaims the
agent. "Go on home to New York."
"Thanks!" he says. "But how did you know I
was from New York?"
The agent replies, "I recognized the
picture of Hillary Clinton in the middle.
Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
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NASA Photo reveals signs of life on
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