Gusev Crater (MPI) - A spokesthing for Mars Air Force denounced as false rumors that an alien space craft crashed in the desert outside of Ares Vallis on Saturday. Appearing at a press conference today, General Rgrmrmy The Lesser stated that "the object was, in fact, a harmless high-altitude weather balloon, not an alien spacecraft".

The story broke late Saturday night when a major stationed at nearby Ares Vallis Air Force Base contacted the Gusev Crater Daily Record with a story about a strange, balloon-shaped object which allegedly came down in the nearby desert, "bouncing" several times before coming to a stop, and "deflating in a sudden explosion of alien gases." Minutes later, General Rgrmrmy The Lesser contacted the Daily Record telepathically to contradict the earlier report. General Rgrmrmy The Lesser stated that hysterical stories of a detachable vehicle roaming across the Martian desert were blatant fiction, provoked by incidences involving swamp gas. But the general public has been slow to accept the Air Force's explanation of recent events, preferring to speculate on the "other-worldly" nature of the crash debris.

Conspiracy theorists have condemned Rgrmrmy's statements as evidence of "an obvious government cover-up," pointing out that Mars has no swamps. They point to the release of secret government memos detailing attempts to discredit reports of the landings by alien space craft. The memos discuss strategies to avoid troubles similar to those caused by the War of the Worlds radio program of years ago. The program, which featured a sensational story of gigantic oxygen breathing two-eyed invaders from Earth, sparked planet wide panic.

Local residents like Marvin and Martin, who live in the area of the alleged landings, are even more skeptical. "I seen it with my own 5 eyes" claimed Marvin last week. "I've lived here over 300 years, most of my adult life-form. Them things used to be few and far between but lately they come in every few years or so. The government wants to bury the truth but I can tell you what's real. The Earthlings are going to invade and the government is spending our hard earned tax dollars on press releases and denials instead of preparing for the battle to come." A spokesthing denied any government involvement in the disappearance of Rhodo, who has not been seen since shortly after the interview, claiming "Any sentient being knows that a planet with the concentrations of water and oxygen found on Earth is a deadly and inhospitable environment for the formation of life, much less intelligent life. The fear and consternation caused by the unfounded and wild speculations of citizens like Marvin are a traitorous disservice to the citizens of Mars."

On a side note, at a separate news conference Prime Minister Hagar the Horrible stated that Mars has never had Weapons of Mass Destruction and if earthlings did exist there would be no need for them to come here.

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Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.