• Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
• Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
• There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...neither works.
• Never miss a good chance to shut up.
• Always drink upstream from the herd.
• If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
• The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.
• There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.
• Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
• If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
• Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.
• After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

The farmers lived sixty miles away from one another and so they agreed to drive thirty miles and find a field in which to mate their pigs. The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 AM. loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only vehicle they had, and drove the thirty miles. While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will! I know if they are pregnant?"

The other farmer replied, "If they're in the grass grazing in the morning, then they're pregnant, if they're in the mud, then they're not."

The next morning they were rolling in the mud, so he hosed them off, loaded them again into the family station wagon and proceeded to try again.

This continued each morning the following week until one morning the farmer was so tired that he couldn't get out of bed. He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me if the pigs are in the mud or in the field."

"Neither," yelled his wife, "they're in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn."