Humor Additions for April 19th, 2004

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I've seen two shows lately that went on and on about how mid-life is a great time for women ...

... Just last week Oprah had a whole show on how great menopause will be....  Puhleeeeeeeze!

  • I've had a few thoughts of my own and would like to share them with you.
  • Whether you are pushing 40, 50, 60 (or maybe even just pushing your luck) you'll probably relate.
  • Mid-life is when the growth of hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.
  • In mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wingspans. We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.
  • Mid-life is when you can stand naked in front of a mirror and you can see your rear without turning around.
  • Mid-life brings wisdom to know that life throws us curves and we're sitting on our biggest ones.
  • In mid-life your memory starts to go. In fact the only thing we can retain is water.
  • Mid-life means that your Body By Jake now includes Legs By Rand McNally -- more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of Wisconsin.
  • Mid-life means that you become more reflective...You start pondering the "big" questions. What is life? Why am I here? How much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?
  • But mid-life also brings with it an appreciation for what is important.
  • We realize that breasts sag, hips expand and chins double, but our loved ones make the journey worthwhile. Would any of you trade the knowledge that you have now for the body you had way back when?
  • Maybe our bodies simply have to expand to hold all the wisdom and love we've acquired.

That's my philosophy and I'm sticking to it!

Submitted by Vicki, Downingtown, PA.

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King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom.

The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So the monarch offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question: What do women really want?

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, and the court ! jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch -- only she would know the answer.

The price would be high; the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged. Finally, the last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he had to accept her price first. The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most notable of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified: she was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises... etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature. He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden.

Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that nothing was too big a sacrifi! ce compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur thus: What a woman really wants is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it was. The neighboring monarch granted Arthur total freedom.

What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and anguish. Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display, and generally made everyone very uncomfortable.

The hour approached, Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But what a sight waited him! The most beautiful woman he had never seen lay before him!

The astounded Gawain asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she'd appeared a! s a witch, she would henceforth be her horrible, deformed self half the time, and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self. Which would he want her to be during the day, and during the night?

What a cruel question! Gawain pondered his predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an old witch?

Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman with whom to enjoy many intimate moments?

What would you do?

Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time, because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

What is the moral of this story?

If a women doesn't get her own way, things get ugly!

Submitted by John, Upton, Long Island.

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A guy goes on vacation to the Holy Land with his wife and mother-in-law.

The mother-in-law dies.

So the couple go to an undertaker, who explains that they can ship the body home, but it will cost over $5,000 - - - whereas burying her in the Holy Land would cost only $150.

"We'll ship her home," says the guy.

The undertaker asks, "Are you sure? That's an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here."

The guy says, "Look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three days later he rose from the dead.

I just can't take that chance."

Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa.

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