More Facts About Men
- Men are brave enough to
go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.
- All men think that they're nice guys.
Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names.
- Men don't get cellulite. God might just
be a man.
- Men have an easier time buying bathing
suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men
have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.
- Men have higher body temperatures than
women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping
next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
- Women take clothing much more seriously
than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh,
my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another
man wearing a black tuxedo."
- Most men hate to shop. That's why the
men's department is usually on the first floor of a department
store, two inches from the door.
- If a man prepares dinner for you and
the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious
- If you're dating a man who you think
might be "Mr. Right," if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or
c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise.
- The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only
works on cocoons and butterflies.
- Men own basketball teams. Every year
cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players'
shorts get baggier and longer.
- No man is charming all of the time.
Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary
- When four or more men get together,
they talk about sports. When four or more women get together,
they talk about men.
- Not one man in a beer commercial has a
- Men are less sentimental than women. No
man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.
- Most women are introspective: "Am I in
love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are
out retrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"
- If a man says, "I'll call you," and he
doesn't, he didn't forget... he didn't lose your number... he
didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.
- Men hate to lose. I once beat my
husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex
again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other."
- Men who can eat anything they want and
not gain weight should do it out of sight of women.
- Getting rid of a man without hurting
his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see
you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid
of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you... I want to marry
you... I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid
- Men accept compliments much better than
women do. Example: "Mitch, you look great." Mitch: "Thanks." On
the other side: "Ruth, you look great. "Ruth: "I do? Must be the
- Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely
call the Home Shopping Network
- Men who listen to classical music tend
not to spit.
- Only men who have worn a ski suit
understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the
bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit.
- Men don't feel the urge to get married
as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip
in the front. Women's dresses usually button and zip in the
back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but we also need men
to help us get dressed.
- Men are self-confident because they
grow up identifying with superheroes. Women have bad self-images
because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
- When a woman tries on clothing from her
closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight.
When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he
will assume the clothing has shrunk.
- Male menopause is a lot more fun than
female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get
hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and
- Men forget everything; women remember
everything. That's why men need instant replays in sports.
They've already forgotten what happened.
- Men would like monogamy better if it
sounded less like monotony.
- All men would still really like to own
a train set
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What Your Profession Says About
- Marketing - you are
ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid
having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking
and socializing which is pretty much what your job
responsibilities are now. Least compatible with sales.
- Sales - laziest of all signs, often
referred to as "marketing without a degree." you are also
self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs
you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with
customers so you can "concentrate on the big picture." you seek
admiration for your golf game throughout your life.
- Technology - unable to control anything
in your personal life, you are instead content to completely
control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even
you don't understand what you are saying but who the hell can
tell. It is written that geeks shall inherit the earth.
- Engineering - one of only two signs
that actually studied in school. It is said that ninety percent
of all personal ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy
with yourself; your office is full of all the latest "ergo
dynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing
your "carpal tunnel syndrome."
- Accounting - the only other sign that
studied in school. You are mostly immune from office politics.
You are the most feared person in the organization; combined
with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors
concerning you say that you are completely insane.
- Human Resources - ironically, given
your access to confidential information, you tend to be the
biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other
person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to
return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have
lunch and then mail a letter.
- Management/Middle Management - catty,
cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain
at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a
single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of
meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry
other "middle managers" as everyone in your social circle is a
- Senior Management - (see above - same
sign, different title)
- Customer service - bright, cheery,
positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own
life. As children very few of you asked your parents for a
little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend
to play "customer service." continually passed over for
promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager.
- Consultant - lacking any specific
knowledge, you use acronyms to avoid revealing your utter lack
of experience. You have convinced yourself that your "skills"
are in demand and that you could get a higher paying job with
any other organization in a heartbeat. You will spend an
eternity contemplating these career opportunities without ever
taking direct action.
- Recruiter, "headhunter" - as a "person"
that profits from the success of others, you are disdained by
most people who actually work for a living. Paid on commission
and susceptible to alcoholism, your ulcers and frequent heart
attacks correspond directly with fluctuations in the stock
- Partner, president, ceo - you are
brilliant or lucky. Your inability to figure out complex systems
such as the fax machine suggest the latter.
- Government worker - paid to take days
off. Government workers are genius inventors, like the invention
of new holidays. They usually suffer from deep depression or
anxiety and usually commit serious crimes while on the job...
thus the term "go postal."
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