• Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.
• All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names.
• Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man.
• Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.
• Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
• Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."
• Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
• If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious
• If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise.
• The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.
• Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer.
• No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
• When four or more men get together, they talk about sports. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.
• Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.
• Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.
• Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are out retrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"
• If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget... he didn't lose your number... he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.
• Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other."
• Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of women.
• Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you... I want to marry you... I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.
• Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch, you look great." Mitch: "Thanks." On the other side: "Ruth, you look great. "Ruth: "I do? Must be the lighting."
• Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network
• Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.
• Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit.
• Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually button and zip in the back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but we also need men to help us get dressed.
• Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with superheroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
• When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.
• Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.
• Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.
• Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.
• All men would still really like to own a train set

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• Marketing - you are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with sales.
• Sales - laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree." you are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with customers so you can "concentrate on the big picture." you seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.
• Technology - unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even you don't understand what you are saying but who the hell can tell. It is written that geeks shall inherit the earth.
• Engineering - one of only two signs that actually studied in school. It is said that ninety percent of all personal ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself; your office is full of all the latest "ergo dynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel syndrome."
• Accounting - the only other sign that studied in school. You are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.
• Human Resources - ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch and then mail a letter.
• Management/Middle Management - catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "middle managers" as everyone in your social circle is a "middle manager."
• Senior Management - (see above - same sign, different title)
• Customer service - bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As children very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "customer service." continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager.
• Consultant - lacking any specific knowledge, you use acronyms to avoid revealing your utter lack of experience. You have convinced yourself that your "skills" are in demand and that you could get a higher paying job with any other organization in a heartbeat. You will spend an eternity contemplating these career opportunities without ever taking direct action.
• Recruiter, "headhunter" - as a "person" that profits from the success of others, you are disdained by most people who actually work for a living. Paid on commission and susceptible to alcoholism, your ulcers and frequent heart attacks correspond directly with fluctuations in the stock market.
• Partner, president, ceo - you are brilliant or lucky. Your inability to figure out complex systems such as the fax machine suggest the latter.
• Government worker - paid to take days off. Government workers are genius inventors, like the invention of new holidays. They usually suffer from deep depression or anxiety and usually commit serious crimes while on the job... thus the term "go postal."

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Oct 27th Humor Page