Humor Additions for Wednesday, March 12th

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Three guys died, and were met by St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter said, "I know that you are all forgiven because you are here. But before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask you 2 questions. Your answer will depend on what kind of transportation you receive to travel through Heaven. You have to have transportation in Heaven because it is so big!"

St. Peter asks the first guy to step forward. He asks the first guy, "How long were you married?"

The first guy says, "24 years."

"Did you ever cheat on your wife?", Peter asked.

The guy said, "Yeah, 7 times...but you said I was forgiven."

Peter said, "Yes, but that's not too good. Here's a Pinto for you to drive."

The second guy stepped forward and got the same questions from Peter.

The second guy said, "I was married for 41 years and cheated on her once, but that was our first year and we really worked it out well."

Peter said, "I'm pleased to hear that, here's a Lincoln for you."

The third guy stepped forward and said, "Peter, I know what you're going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn't even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!"

Peter said, "That's what I like to hear. Here's a Jaguar!"

A little while later, the 2 guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto saw the guy with the Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk so they went to see what was the matter. When they asked the guy with the Jaguar what was wrong, he said, "I just saw my wife, she was on a skateboard!"

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Walking through San Francisco's Chinatown...

...a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, "Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry."

"Moishe Plotnik?" he muses. "How the heck does that fit in here?"

So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter.

The tourist asks, "How did this place get a name like "Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry?"

The old man answers, "Is name of owner."

The tourist asks, "Well, who and where is the owner?"

"Me, is right here," replies the old man.

"You? How did you ever get a name like Moishe Plotnik?"

"Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front is Jewish gentleman from Poland. Lady look at him and go, 'What your name?'

He say, 'Moishe Plotnik.'

Then she look at me and go, 'What your name?'

I say, 'Sem Ting.'"

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The Washington Post holds a contest to find alternate meanings for various words.

The following were some of this year's winning entries:

  1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
  2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
  3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
  4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
  5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
  6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
  7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
  8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.
  9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
  10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
  11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
  12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
  13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
  14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
  15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
  16. Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.

Submitted by Dave

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