Humor Additions for Friday, June 27th

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Only a true Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption ...

... and that you don't "HAVE" them, -- you "PITCH" them.

  • Only a true Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip reens, peas, beans, etc. make up "a mess."
  • Only a true Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."
  • Only a true Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is - as in: "Going to town, be back directly."
  • All true Southerners, even babies, know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl on the middle of the table.
  • All true Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.
  • Only a true Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. (If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin'!)
  • Only true Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20.
  • Only a true Southerner both knows and understands the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.
  • No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.
  • A true Southerner knows that "fixin'" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.
  • Only a true Southerner knows that the term "booger"can be a resident of the nose, a descriptive, as in"that ol' booger," a first name or something that jumps out at you in the dark and scares you senseless.
  • Only true Southerners make friends while standing in lines. We don't do "queues", we do "lines," and whenwe're "in line," we talk to everybody!
  • Put 100 true Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage.
  • True Southerners never refer to one person as "y'all."
  • True Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.
  • Every true Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that redeye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.
  • When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin' .. ," you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!
  • Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it - we do not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.
  • A true Southerner knows that if you are with a couple of friends, you could be with 2 or 10. The number doesn't matter.
  • And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say, "Bless her heart" and go your own way.

Submitted by Kevin, Dallas, Tx.

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An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening.

After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them one question and their answer would determine who would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked "What is the fastest thing you know of?" pointing to the man on his right.

The first man replied, "A thought. It pops into your head. There's no forewarning that it's on the way, it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir?" he asked the second man.

"Hmm....let me see, A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of."

"Excellent!" said the interviewer "The blink of an eye. That's a very popular cliche for speed." As he turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.

"Well, out at my Dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch, when you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light at the barn comes on in an instant. Turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light." he said.

Turning to the fourth man, he posed the question.

"After hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is diarrhea."

"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

"Oh I can explain." said the fourth man. "You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so well and ran for the bathroom. But, before I could think, blink or turn on the light, I'd messed my pants!"

He got the job.

Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa.

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The Blonde And The Police

The Baltimore Police Department, famous for its superior K-9 unit, was somewhat taken aback by a recent incident.

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first on the scene.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, clapped a hand to her head and moaned, "I come home from work to find all my possessions stolen, I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send a BLIND policeman!"

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June 25th Humor Page