Only a true Southerner knows the
difference between a hissie fit and a conniption ...
and that you don't "HAVE" them, -- you "PITCH" them.
- Only a true Southerner knows how many
fish, collard greens, turnip reens, peas, beans, etc. make up "a
- Only a true Southerner can show or
point out to you the general direction of "yonder."
- Only a true Southerner knows exactly
how long "directly" is - as in: "Going to town, be back
- All true Southerners, even babies, know
that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular
sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl on the middle
of the table.
- All true Southerners know exactly when
"by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the
- Only a true Southerner knows
instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor
who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl
of cold potato salad. (If the neighbor's trouble is a real
crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin'!)
- Only true Southerners grow up knowing
the difference between "right near" and "a right far piece."
They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20.
- Only a true Southerner both knows and
understands the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy,
and po' white trash.
- No true Southerner would ever assume
that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to
make a turn.
- A true Southerner knows that "fixin'"
can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.
- Only a true Southerner knows that the
term "booger"can be a resident of the nose, a descriptive, as
in"that ol' booger," a first name or something that jumps out at
you in the dark and scares you senseless.
- Only true Southerners make friends
while standing in lines. We don't do "queues", we do "lines,"
and whenwe're "in line," we talk to everybody!
- Put 100 true Southerners in a room and
half of them will discover they're related, even if only by
- True Southerners never refer to one
person as "y'all."
- True Southerners know grits come from
corn and how to eat them.
- Every true Southerner knows tomatoes
with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful;
that redeye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green
tomatoes are not a breakfast food.
- When you hear someone say, "Well, I
caught myself lookin' .. ," you know you are in the presence of
a genuine Southerner!
- Only true Southerners say "sweet tea"
and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and
lots of it - we do not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweet milk"
means you don't want buttermilk.
- A true Southerner knows that if you are
with a couple of friends, you could be with 2 or 10. The number
- And a true Southerner knows you don't
scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the
freeway. You just say, "Bless her heart" and go your own way.
Submitted by Kevin, Dallas, Tx.
Return to: Top
of Page, List of
Redneck Jokes, My Little
An office manager was given the
task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening.
After sorting through a
stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified.
He decided to call the four in and ask them one question and their
answer would determine who would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around
the conference room table the interviewer asked "What is the
fastest thing you know of?" pointing to the man on his right.
The first man replied, "A thought. It pops
into your head. There's no forewarning that it's on the way, it's
just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."
"That's very good!" replied the
interviewer. "And now you sir?" he asked the second man.
"Hmm....let me see, A blink! It comes and
goes and you don't know it ever happened. A blink is the fastest
thing I know of."
"Excellent!" said the interviewer "The
blink of an eye. That's a very popular cliche for speed." As he
turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.
"Well, out at my Dad's ranch, you step out
of the house and on the wall there's a light switch, when you flip
that switch, way out across the pasture the light at the barn
comes on in an instant. Turning on a light is the fastest thing I
can think of."
The interviewer was very impressed with
the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to
beat the speed of light." he said.
Turning to the fourth man, he posed the
"After hearing the three previous answers,
it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is diarrhea."
"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by
"Oh I can explain." said the fourth man.
"You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so well and ran for the
bathroom. But, before I could think, blink or turn on the light,
I'd messed my pants!"
He got the job.
Bill, Narberth, Pa.
Return to: Top
of Page, List of
Un-Categorizable Jokes, My Little
The Blonde And The Police
The Baltimore Police Department, famous
for its superior K-9 unit, was somewhat taken aback by a recent
Returning home from work, a blonde was
shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She
telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call
on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first on
As the K-9 officer approached the house
with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, clapped
a hand to her head and moaned, "I come home from work to find all
my possessions stolen, I call the police for help, and what do
they do? They send a BLIND policeman!"
Return to: Top
of Page, Blonde Joke List,
25th Humor Page