A collection of men's
thoughts on their wives ....
- "My wife has an uncanny way of standing
between me and the television screen. Bases loaded, two strikes,
three balls. The crowd goes wild, the pitch flies, and all I can
see is her butt." --Howard, Dodge City, Kan.
- "My wife was furious when I got up
early once and made her breakfast. Called me controlling. How
dare I decide that My Wife would eat breakfast, let alone what
she'd have?" --Ted, Wexford, Pa.
- "What's mine is hers. I buy her
negligees; My Wife sleeps in my T- shirts. When My Wife's cold
My Wife wears my wool socks to bed, never her own. My Wife
steals my half-used razors; new ones are too sharp. My Wife even
wears my boxers. I'm tempted to switch to briefs just to see
what she'd do." --Dave, Martha's Vineyard, Mass.
- "You can hear her eat soup from the
next room." --Bruce, Bridgewater, N.J.
- "My wife thinks everyone should be a
vegetarian. During meals, My Wife asks people how they can eat
dead cows, or if they know that their pork chops used to be
smarter than their dogs." --Miles, Shreveport, La.
- "Every so often boom! My wife’s a
brunette. Or I come home to a redhead. Actually, I have no idea
what her natural color is." --Cary, Seattle
- "My wife will brush her teeth but she
won't go to the dentist. She says she's not afraid of the pain;
she just doesn't want to put herself in the hands of any fellow
who'd choose to be a dentist. " --Terence, Gary, Ind.
- "My wife’s stopped shaving her legs. My
Wife says that now people will know she's a natural blonde."
--Ned, Tucson, Ariz.
- "My wife takes her half of the bed out
of the middle." -Robin, Gladwyne, Pa.
- "Have you ever seen a woman with green
crust and slime smeared over her face, dark holes for her
nostrils? Do you think you'd be able to sleep at night, knowing
that creature is next to you?" --Arthur, Cedar City, Utah
- "My wife’s allergic to everything. Her
nose is chronically stuffed. If I kissed her on the mouth, she'd
suffocate." --Bryan, Toledo, Ohio
- "My wife wears these false eyelashes.
She left 'em lying around and I slammed 'em with my newspaper,
tried to kill the damn things. Scared me half to death."
--Gordon, Oklahoma City, Okla.
- "My Wife takes those soaps too
seriously. I'll come home and find her in tears because some
character died. Or upset that some nonexistent guy's having a
fictional affair." --Archie, St. Louis
- "My Wife will not shop at discount
stores or sales. My Wife thinks they're crowded and plebeian. My
Wife doesn't even look at the reduced rack, other than, perhaps,
for gifts for my mother." --Conrad, Wilmington, Del.
- "It annoys her that our children look
like me." --James, New Orleans
- "With five kids, I don't have time to
complain about . don't have time to notice her." --Bob,
Charleston, W.Va.
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Jokes About Marriage, My Little
Sister's Jokes,
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A water bearer had two large
pots, each hung on the ends of a pole he carried across his neck.
One of the pots had a crack in
it, while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full
portion of water. At the end of the long walk from the stream to
the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full. For a full two
years this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one and
a half pots full of water to his house. Of course, the perfect pot
was proud of its accomplishments, perfect for which it was made.
But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and
miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had
been made to do.
After 2 years of what it
perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke to the water bearer one
day by the stream. "I am ashamed of myself, and because this crack
in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your
house."
The bearer said to the pot,
"Did you notice that there were flowers only on! your side of the
path, but not on the other pot's side? That's because I have
always known about your flaw, and I planted flower seeds on your
side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you've watered
them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful
flowers to decorate the table. Without you being just the way you
are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house."
Moral: Each of us has our own unique
flaws. We're all cracked pots. But it's the cracks and flaws we
each have that make our lives together so very interesting and
rewarding. You've just got to take each person for what they are,
and look for the good in them.
Submitted by
Bill, Narberth, PA.
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The Positive Side of Life
- Living on Earth is
expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun every
year.
- How long a minute is depends on what
side of the bathroom door you're on.
- Birthdays are good for you; the more
you have, the longer you live.
- Happiness comes through doors you
didn't even know you left open.
- Ever notice that the people who are
late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for
them?
- Most of us go to our grave with our
music still inside of us.
- You may be only one person in the
world, but you may also be the world to one person.
- Some mistakes are too much fun to only
make once.
- Don't cry because it's over; smile
because it happened.
- We could learn a lot from crayons: some
are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird
names, and all are different colors....but they all exist very
nicely in the same box.
- A truly happy person is one who can
enjoy the scenery on a detour.
Have an awesome day, and know that someone
who thinks you're great has thought about you today!
Submitted by Sister Wink, Yonkers, NY.
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June
23rd Humor Page
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