Humor Additions for Monday, April 28th

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Misinterpreting the Lord's Prayer.

When my twin daughters were young, I taught them to say this prayer before going to bed. As I listened outside their door, I could hear them say, "Give us this steak and daily bread, and forgive us our mattresses." My husband and I always had a good laugh over this. That was over 50 years ago, and the memory still remains in my heart.

From San Francisco:
When I was a child, I learned this prayer as "Our Father, who are in Heaven, Howard be thy name." I always thought that was God's real name.

Groton, Mass:
My mother spent her early childhood saying, "Hail Mary, full of grapes."

Missoula, Mont:
My son, who is in nursery school, said, "Our Father, who art in Heaven, how didja know my name?"

Uniontown, Ohio:
I remember thinking this prayer was "Give us this day our jelly bread."

Covina, Calif:
I recall reading something years ago about the Pledge of Allegiance. Some child thought it began, "I led the pigeons to the flag."

Cleveland, Ohio:
When I was little, I often wondered who Richard Stands was. You know: "I pledge allegiance to the flag and to the republic for Richard Stands."

Schenectady, N.Y:
I once knew a child whose favorite Sunday school song was "Gladly, the Cross-Eyed Bear."

Tampa, Fla:
When my husband was 6 years old, he thought a certain prayer was "He suffered under a bunch of violets.." The real words were "under Pontius Pilate," but at that age, he didn't know better. To this day, we still snicker in church whenever that prayer is read.

Lake Forest Park, Wash:
When I was a little girl, we sang a song in Sunday school about Noah. Part of the chorus was "And the rains came down, and the floods came up." We lived next door to a couple of charming little girls who always sang this song while playing in their garden. Their words were, "And the rains came down, and the spuds came up."

Oak Harbor, Wash:
When my older brother was very young, he always walked up to the church altar with my mother when she took communion. On one occasion, he tugged at her arm and asked, "What does the priest say when he gives you the bread?" Mom whispered something in his ear. Imagine his shock many years later when he learned that the priest doesn't say, "Be quiet until you get to your seat."

Grand Junction, Colo:
When I was younger, I believed the line was "Lead a snot into temptation." I thought I was praying for my little sister to get into trouble.

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Fairy Tale for Women of the 21st Century

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself: I don't think so!

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To Err Is Human, but . . .

A man living in Newton, Massachusetts received a bill on his as yet unused credit card stating that he owed $0.00. He threw it away. In April he received another and tossed that one, too. The following month the credit card company sent him a nasty note stating they were going to cancel his card if he didn't send them $0.00.

In retrospect, he probably should have let them do that. Instead he called the company and was informed that (are you ready for this?) the problem was the result of a computer error. They told him they'd take care of it.

The following month he reasoned that, if other charges appeared on the card, then it would put an end to his ridiculous predicament. Besides, they assured him the problem would be resolved. So he presented his card for a purchase. It was declined.

Once again he called. He learned that the credit card had been cancelled for lack of payment. They apologized for (here it is again) another computer error and promised they would rectify the situation.

The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue. Assuming that this bill was yet another mistake, he ignored it. But the following month he received yet another bill for $0.00 stating that he had ten days to pay his account in full or the company would take necessary steps to recover the debt.

He gave in. He mailed in a check for $0.00. The computer duly processed it and returned a statement to the effect that his account was paid in full.

A week later, the man's bank called him asking him why he wrote a check for $0.00. He explained the problem at length. The bank replied that the $0.00 check had caused their check processing software to fail. The bank could not now process ANY checks from ANY of their customers that day because the check for $0.00 caused a computer crash.

The following month the man received a letter from the credit card company claiming that his check had bounced, that he still owed $0.00 and, unless payment was sent immediately, they would institute procedures to collect his debt.

This man, who had been considering buying his wife a computer for her birthday, bought her a typewriter instead.

Who said, "To err is human, but to really mess things up it takes a computer..."? Computers may not be the root of all evil, but some days I'm convinced they come close.

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