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You're A Redneck When ... 2002 Edition
  • You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
  • You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
  • Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.
  • Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
  • You burn your yard rather than mow it.
  • You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.
  • The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
  • Your entire family sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.
  • You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
  • You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
  • You come back from the dump with more than you took.
  • You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
  • Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
  • Your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list.
  • You've been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
  • You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
  • You've bathed with flea and tick soap.
  • You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
  • Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell.
  • You think a hot tub is a stolen indoor plumbing fixture.
  • You took a fishing pole to Sea World.
  • You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
  • You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
  • You have a rag for a gas cap.
  • Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
  • You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
  • You can spit without opening your mouth.
  • You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
  • Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
  • You sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer quota.
  • You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side.
  • The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
  • Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
  • You thought the Uni-bomber was a wrestler.
  • You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
  • You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.
  • Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home.
  • A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvement.
  • You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.
  • You've asked the preacher "How's it hangin?"
  • You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.
  • You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.
  • Somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth and you take them out to see what it is.

Submitted by Mike, Broomfield, Co.

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A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client.

He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer 3 months to track down.

After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply (actual letter): "Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title.

While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented an application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear title back to its origin."

Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (actual letter): Your letter regarding title in Case 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than in the years covered by the present application.

I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased by the U.S. from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application.

For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain.

The land came into possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the reigning monarch, Isabella. The good queen, being a pious woman and careful about titles, almost as much as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to fund Columbus' expedition.

Now the Pope, as I'm sure you know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God. And God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that He also made that part of the world called Louisiana. He, therefore, would be the owner of origin. I hope to heavens you find His original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our damn loan?"

... They got their loan.

Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa.

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Some of the old favorite singers and bands have re-released their great hits ...

... with new lyrics to accommodate their aging audience. Some examples:

  • Herman's Hermits: "Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker"
  • Credence Clearwater Revival: "Bad Prune Rising"
  • Marvin Gaye: "I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts"
  • The Who: "Talkin' 'Bout My Medication"
  • The Troggs: "Bald Thing"
  • Carly Simon: "You're So Varicose Vein"
  • The Bee Gees: "How Can You Mend a Broken Hip?"
  • Roberta Flack: "The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"
  • Johnny Nash: "I Can't See Clearly Now"
  • The Temptations: "Papa Got a Kidney Stone"
  • ABBA: "Denture Queen"
  • Leo Sayer: "You Make Me Feel Like Napping"
  • Commodores: "Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom"
  • Procol Harum: "A Whiter Shade of Hair"
  • The Beatles: "I Get By with a Little Help From Depends"

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Bryan's Illusions - Take 4


Submitted by Bryan, Idaho Falls, Idaho

Back to Sept 4 Humor Page