Humor Additions for Friday, Sept 27

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More lessons one learns in a successful life

  • A person needs only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.
  • Never wish it was next week. Time is too precious to wish away.
  • Any and all compliments can be handled by simply saying "Thank you" though it helps if you say it with a Southern accent.
  • Some people are working backstage, some are playing in the orchestra, some are on-stage singing, some are in the audience as critics, some are there to applaud. Know who and where you are.
  • Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.
  • When baking, follow directions. When cooking, go by your own taste.
  • Never continue dating anyone who is rude to the waiter.
  • If you tell a lie, don't believe it deceives only the other person.
  • The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship: "I apologize" and "You are right".
  • Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
  • 1When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.
  • If he says that you are too good for him-believe it.
  • I've learned to pick my battles; I ask myself, Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?
  • If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
  • If you move far from your family when you're young, consider choosing a career with an airline. Your need to see your family will last a lifetime, as will your travel benefits.
  • Living well really is the best revenge.
  • Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just proves that the other person was right about you.
  • Be really nice to your friends because you never know when you are going to need them to empty your bed pan and hold your hand.
  • Work is good but it's not important.
  • Never underestimate the kindness of your fellow man.
  • You are the only person who can truly make you happy.

And finally ..

  • Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect, it just means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections

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My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned. Couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as lumberjack, but I just could not hack it, so they gave me the ax. After that I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too exhausting. Then I tried to be a chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme. I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy. I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience. My next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income. I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining. So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it. My last job as working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

So I retired and found I am perfect for the job.

Submitted by Mike, Broomfield, Co.

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Mama mole, a papa mole and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole...

One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says, "Yum! I smell maple syrup!"

The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says, "Yum! I smell honey!"

The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way, so he says, "Geez, all I can smell is..."

Get ready .......You may never forgive me for this one "... Molasses!"

Submitted by Marianne, Columbia, Md.

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