Theologians have wrestled
with some pretty bizarre questions over the centuries...
... such as "How many angels can dance on
the head of a pin?" and "Do hair and fingernails keep growing in
The latest head-scratcher is "What would
Jesus drive?" The traditional answer is "a donkey." But what if
Jesus had been born in modern times? Would he choose public
transit or a private car? Stick shift or automatic? A
sport-utility vehicle roomy enough for all 12 apostles or an
Jim Ball, a Baptist pastor who runs the
Pennsylvania-based Evangelical Environmental Network, doesn't
think such questions are esoteric. His group is launching a
"What would Jesus drive?" ad campaign today designed to
discourage Christians from buying gas-guzzling sport-utility
Ball argues that God would choose an
environmentally friendly vehicle, such as a Toyota Prius, which
has a hybrid gasoline-electric motor. But other "theologians"
San Francisco Chronicle columnist Scott
Ostler theorized that Jesus would tool around in a vintage
Plymouth because "the Bible says God drove Adam and Eve out of
the Garden of Eden in a Fury."
And our research department uncovered
several other divinely approved autos. For example, in Psalm 83,
the Almighty apparently owned a Pontiac and a Geo. The passage
urges the Lord to "pursue your enemies with your Tempest and
terrify them with your Storm," although theologians aren't sure
how a Geo Storm could be considered terrifying, unless it had
those scary shooting flames painted on the sides.
Another scripture indicates that Yahweh
favored Dodge pickup trucks. Moses' followers are warned not to
go up a mountain until "the Ram's horn sounds a long blast."
God also owned an AMC vehicle. In the
book of Exodus, he promised to "send the Hornet ahead of you to
drive the Hivites, Canaanites and Hittites out of your way."
Some scholars insist that Jesus drove a
Honda but preferred not to discuss it. As proof, they cite a
verse in St. John's gospel in which Christ tells a crowd, "For I
did not speak of my own Accord."
Debate continues over whether the Lord's
Honda had bumper stickers that said, "My other car is a flaming
chariot," "Honk if you love me" or "This is my beloved son, in
whom I am well-pleased because he was an honor student at
Meanwhile, Ostler has discovered another
transportation-related scripture: Moses rode an old British
motorcycle, as evidenced by a Bible passage declaring that "the
roar of Moses' Triumph is heard in the hills."
Jon, Gettysburg, Pa.