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A big-city,
California, lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas.
He shot a bird, but it fell
into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the
lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his
tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The lawyer responded, "I
shot a duck and it fell into this field, and I'm going to
retrieve it."
The old farmer replied,
"This is my property, and you are not coming over
here."
The indignant lawyer said,
"I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if
you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything
you own."
The old farmer smiled and said,
"Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We
settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick
Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is
the Texas Three-Kick Rule?"
The farmer replied, "Well,
first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times,
and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought
about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take
the old codger so he agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed
down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His
first kick hit the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees.
His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The
barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to
a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The lawyer summoned every bit
of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay,
you old coot! Now, it's my turn!"
The old farmer grinned and
said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck!"
Submitted
by Bill, Narberth, Pa.
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More one-line lessons of
life
- I love deadlines. I
especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go
flying by.
- Tell me what you need, and
I'll tell you how to get along without it.
- Accept that some days you
are the pigeon and some days the statue.
- Needing someone is like
needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time,
chances are you won't be needing him again.
- I DON'T HAVE AN ATTITUDE
PROBLEM, YOU HAVE A PERCEPTION PROBLEM.
- Last night I lay in bed
looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself,
"where the heck is the ceiling?"
- My reality check bounced.
- On the keyboard of life,
always keep one finger on the escape key.
- I don't suffer from stress.
I am a carrier.
- You are slower than a herd
of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
- Do not meddle in the affairs
of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with
ketchup.
- Everybody is somebody else's
weirdo.
- Never argue with idiots.
They drag you down to their level, then beat you with
experience.
- A pat on the back is only a
few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
- Don't be irreplaceable. If
you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
- After any salary raise, you
will have less money at the end of the month than you did
before.
- You can go anywhere you want
if you look serious.
- Eat one live toad the first
thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you
the rest of the day.
- If it wasn't for the last
minute, nothing would get done.
- When you don't know what to
do, walk fast and look worried.
- Following the rules will not
get the job done.
- When confronted by a
difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing
it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle
this?"
- Only the mediocre are at
their best all the time.
- There's a fine line between
genius and insanity. I have erased this line.
- Bring ideas in and entertain
them royally, for one of them may be the king.
- If at first you don't
succeed ...... skydiving isn't for you.
- When everything is coming
your way ...... you're in the wrong lane.
Submitted by Barb,
Unionville, Pa
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Hymns for the
Over-70 Crowd
- Precious Lord, Take My Hand,
And Help Me Up
- It Is Well with My Soul, But
My Knees Hurt
- Nobody Knows the Trouble I
Have Seeing
- Just a Slower Walk with Thee
- Count Your Many Birthdays,
Name Them One by One
- Go Tell It on the Mountain,
But Speak Up
- Give Me the Old Timers'
Religion
- Blessed Insurance
- Guide Me O Thou Great
Jehovah, I've Forgotten Where I Parked
Submitted By Andy,
Gettysburg, Pa.
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About Aging, My Little
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Back in the 1800's the Tates
Watch Company of Massachusetts . . .
. . .wanted to produce other
products and, since they already made the cases for pocket
watches, decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling
west.
It turned out that although
their watches were of finest quality, their compasses were so
bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than
California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression:
"He who has a Tates is lost!"
Submitted by Dave, Bolder,
Co.
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Three
worms were
placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a
jar of alcohol. The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette
smoke. The third worm was put into a jar of soil.
After one day, these were the
results:
- The first worm in alcohol -
dead.
- Second worm in cigarette
smoke - dead.
- Third worm in soil - alive.
Lesson: As long as you drink
& smoke, you won't get worms.
Submitted by Julie,
Middleburg, Va.
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