Humor Additions for Friday, February 22

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A big-city, California, lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. 

He shot a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Texas Three-Kick Rule?"

The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger so he agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick hit the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot! Now, it's my turn!"

The old farmer grinned and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck!"

Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa.

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More one-line lessons of life
  • I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
  • Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
  • Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.
  • Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing him again.
  • Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself, "where the heck is the ceiling?"
  • My reality check bounced.
  • On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
  • I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.
  • You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
  • Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
  • Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
  • Never argue with idiots. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.
  • A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
  • Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
  • After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
  • You can go anywhere you want if you look serious.
  • Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
  • If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
  • When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
  • Following the rules will not get the job done.
  • When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
  • Only the mediocre are at their best all the time.
  • There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.
  • Bring ideas in and entertain them royally, for one of them may be the king.
  • If at first you don't succeed ...... skydiving isn't for you.
  • When everything is coming your way ...... you're in the wrong lane.

Submitted by Barb, Unionville, Pa

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Hymns for the Over-70 Crowd
  • Precious Lord, Take My Hand, And Help Me Up
  • It Is Well with My Soul, But My Knees Hurt
  • Nobody Knows the Trouble I Have Seeing
  • Just a Slower Walk with Thee
  • Count Your Many Birthdays, Name Them One by One
  • Go Tell It on the Mountain, But Speak Up
  • Give Me the Old Timers' Religion
  • Blessed Insurance
  • Guide Me O Thou Great Jehovah, I've Forgotten Where I Parked

Submitted By Andy, Gettysburg, Pa.

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Back in the 1800's the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts . . .

. . .wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for pocket watches, decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling west. 

It turned out that although their watches were of finest quality, their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression: "He who has a Tates is lost!"

Submitted by Dave, Bolder, Co.

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Three worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol. The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a jar of soil.

After one day, these were the results:

  • The first worm in alcohol - dead.
  • Second worm in cigarette smoke - dead.
  • Third worm in soil - alive.

Lesson: As long as you drink & smoke, you won't get worms.

Submitted by Julie, Middleburg, Va.

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