Humor Additions for Monday, September 17th, 2001

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A group of Florida senior citizens were discussing their ailments.

"My arms are so weak I can hardly hold my coffee cup," said one.

"Yes, I know", said another. My cataracts are so bad I can hardly see my cup."

Another said, "I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck" and several nodded weakly in agreement.

"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy", claimed another.

"I guess that's what we pay for getting old," winced an old man.

There was a short moment of silence....

"Well, it's not too bad," said one brightly. "Thank God we can all still drive."

Submitted by Pat, Blue Lake, Va.

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Letters of recommendation are becoming increasingly unreliable as a means of evaluating candidates for academic employment.

The chief reason is that the contents are no longer strictly confidential. In all but the rarest of cases a letter is apt to be favorable, even when the writer knows the candidate is

mediocre or unqualified. This is because the writer fears that the candidate may later exercise his legal right to read the letter, and perhaps even sue if the contents are not to his liking.

While abolishing the practice of requiring letters of recommendation may at first seem like a good idea, there is really no better way to get reliable information about a candidate's qualifications than to ask people who have had close contact with him or her. What is needed is a means by which the letter writer can convey unfavorable information in a way that the candidate cannot perceive as such.

To this end the Lexicon of Inconspicuously Ambiguous Recommendations, or LIAR was developed. Here are a few samples:

  • To describe a candidate who is woefully inept: "I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever."
  • To describe a candidate who is not particularly industrious: "In my opinion you would be very fortunate to get this person to work for you."
  • To describe a candidate with lackluster credentials: "All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or recommend him too highly."
  • To describe an ex-employee who had difficulty getting along with his co-workers: "I am pleased to say that this candidate is a former colleague of mine."
  • To describe a candidate who is so unproductive that the job would be better left unfilled: "I can assure you that no person would be better for the job."
  • To describe a job applicant who is not worth further consideration: "I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of employment.''

Submitted by Larry, Walkersville, Md.

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More celebrity one liners
  • "My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet." -- Rodney Dangerfield
  • "Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes." -- Robert M. Hutchins
  • "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." -- Groucho Marx
  • "If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done." - Anonymous
  • "I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three." -- Elayne Boosler
  • "When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other." --Rita Rudner
  • "I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!' " --Bruce Baum
  • "I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific." --Lily Tomlin
  • "I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose." -- Dennis Miller
  • "The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts." -- Ehrlich
  • "Complex problems have simple, easy to understand, wrong answers." -- Grossman's Misquote
  • "After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch." -- Lorenz's Law of Mechanical Repair

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