Why the English
Language Is Hard to Learn
- The bandage was wound around
- The farm was used to produce
- The dump was so full that it
had to refuse more refuse.
- We must polish the Polish
- He could lead if he would
get the lead out.
- The soldier decided to
desert his dessert in the desert.
- Since there is no time like
the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
- A bass was painted on the
head of the bass drum.
- When shot at, the dove dove
into the bushes.
- I did not object to the
- The insurance was invalid
for the invalid.
- There was a row among the
oarsmen about how to row.
- They were too close to the
door to close it.
- The buck does strange things
when the does are present.
- A seamstress and a sewer
fell down into a sewer line.
- To help with planting, the
farmer taught his sow to sow.
- The wind was too strong for
us to wind the sail.
- After a number of injections
my jaw got number.
- Upon seeing the tear in the
painting I shed a tear.
- I had to subject the subject
to a series of tests.
- How can I intimate this to
my most intimate friend?
Let's face it - English is a
crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in
hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins
weren't invented in England or French fries in France.
Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet,
We take English for granted.
But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work
- Boxing rings are square and
a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why
is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers
don't groce and hammers don't ham?
- If the plural of tooth is
teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2
geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?
- If you have a bunch of odds
and ends and get rid of either one of them, what do you call
- If teachers taught, why
didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables,
what does a humanitarian eat?
- By the way, how can a slim
chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a
wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be
opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike?
- How can the weather be hot
as hell one day and cold as hell another?
- And where are all those
people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a
fly? Where did the beauty who was OUT OF THIS WORLD go?
- You have to marvel at the
unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up
as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it
out, and in which an alarm goes off by going on.
- English was invented by
people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the
human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That is
why, when the stars are out, they are visible. However, when
the lights are out, they are invisible.
- Why, when I wind up my
watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it?
Confusion, thy name is English!
Submitted by Dave, Bolder,
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of Interesting Facts, My Little
T-Shirts of Summer, 2001 (Part 3)
- Bob Levey, The
- (Aboard a small boy) "Chip Off the Old Block" -- (Aboard the man
beside him) "Old Block"
- "I Can Fix Anything -- Where's the Duct Tape?"
- "Dinner Is Ready When the Smoke Alarm Goes Off"
- (Thought balloon from a horse that's looking wistfully at a farmer in an
adjacent field) "Go Ahead, Make My Hay"
- "Rehab Is for Quitters!"
- "I'm Only Wearing Black Until They Find Something Darker"
- "If the Right Side of the Brain Governs the Left Side of the Body,
Then Left-Handed People Are the Only Ones in Their Right Minds!"
- "Body by Beer"
- "America Is a Wonderful Country -- Even a C Student Can Become
- "Dad Knows a Lot, But Grandpa Knows EVERYTHING!"
- "From the Desk of Toto: Dear Dorothy -- Hate Oz, Took the Shoes, Find
Your Own Way Home!"
- "Summer in Nags Head -- Some Are Not"
- "Here I Am -- Now What Are Your Other Two Wishes?"
- "24 Hours in a Day, 24 Beers in a Case -- Coincidence?"
- "I Don't Think Much -- Therefore, I May Not Be"
- "When Your Dreams Turn to Dust, Vacuum"
- "I Got This T-Shirt for My Husband -- Pretty Good Trade, Huh?"
- "I'm from the Nation's Capital -- Nobody's Perfect"
- "Out of Body -- Back in Ten Minutes"
- "Where There's a Will . . . I Want to Be in It"
- "Always Remember You're Unique -- Just Like Everyone Else"
- "Keep Grandma Off the Streets -- Take Her to Bingo"
- "Can You Imagine a World Without Men? No Crime, and Lots of Happy,
- "In Dog Years, I'm Dead"
- (Aboard a toddler) "How's My Walking? Call 1-800-GOODKID"
- "Remember, You Either Find Time to Exercise or You'll Have to Find
Time to Be Sick"
- (Aboard a man walking along a beach in South Florida) "Will Work for
Food" -- (Aboard the woman walking beside him) "Will Not Work for
- "Don't Worry, It Only Seems Kinky the First Time"
- "The Quickest Way to Double Your Money Is to Fold It in Half and Put
It in Your Pocket"
- "Before You Criticize Someone, You Should Walk a Mile in Their Shoes
-- That Way, When You Criticize Them, You're a Mile Away and You Have a New
Pair of Shoes"
- "Experience Is Something You Don't Get Until Just After You Need
- "I Bent the Rules and the Rules Won"
Part 2 of the Best
T-Shirts of Summer, 2001
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