Humor Additions for Monday, November 12th, 2001

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Actual Quotes From Patients Charts ...
  • She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she is very hot in bed at night.
  • Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side, for over a year.
  • On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
  • The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears depressed.
  • The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
  • Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
  • Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
  • The patient refused autopsy.
  • The patient has no previous history of suicide.
  • Patient's medical history has been insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the past three days.
  • Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
  • She is numb from her toes down.
  • While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
  • The skin was moist and dry.
  • Occasional constant infrequent headaches.
  • Patient was alert and unresponsive.
  • Rectal examination revealed a normal-size thyroid.
  • She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
  • I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
  • Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circusized.
  • The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
  • Patient was to have bowel resection, but took a job as stockbroker instead.
  • Skin: somewhat pale but present.
  • The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
  • Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities.

Submitted by Katrina, Smithsburg, MD.

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Osama bin Laden, was not feeling particularly well . . .

. . . and concerned about his mortality, goes to consult a psychic about the date of his death.

Closing her eyes and silently reaching into the realm of the future, she finds the answer:

"You will die on an American holiday."

"Which one," bin Laden asks, nervously.

"It makes no difference," she replied. "Whenever you die, it will be an American holiday."

Submitted by Cassie, Littlestown, Pa.

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