Humor Additions for  Monday, July 9th, 2001

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Top 10 Things You'll Never Hear a Dad Say
  1.  Well, how 'bout that? I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.
  2. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?
  3. I noticed that all your friends have a certain hostile attitude. I like that.
  4. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car. GO CRAZY!!
  5. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating's not good enough for you, son?
  6. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend. You might want to consider throwing a party.
  7. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies--ya know--that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.
  8. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring. Now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.
  9. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.
  10. What do I want for my birthday? Aahh -- don't worry about that. It's no big deal. (Okay, they might say it. But they don't mean it)

Submitted by Dave, Bolder, Co.

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A wimpy, geeky little dork ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx . . . 

. . . and, clearing his throat, asked, "............ah, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?"

A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, "IT'S *MY* DOG. WHY?"

"Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir."

"WHAT?" roared the big man in disbelief. "WHAT KIND OF @&*! DOG DO *YOU* HAVE?"

"Sir," answered the little man, "It's a four week old puppy."

"^%#^$&* !" roared the biker, "HOW COULD YOUR *&)@%#!! *PUPPY* KILL MY &*X#@%$! DOBERMAN ?"

"Ummmm, er, well, it appears that he choked on it, sir."

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Driving techniques around America . . .
  • One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: CHICAGO
  • One hand on wheel, one middle finger out window: NEW YORK
  • One hand on wheel, one middle finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: NEW JERSEY
  • One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: BOSTON
  • One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, gun in lap: LOS ANGELES
  • Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: OHIO, but driving in PHILADELPHIA
  • Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: ITALY
  • One hand on 12 oz. Double shot latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, banging head on steering wheel while stuck in traffic: SEATTLE
  • One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on brake, throwing McDonald' bag out the window: TEXAS and/or OKLAHOMA
  • Four-wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: ALABAMA


  • Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield, driving 35 on the Interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: FLORIDA

Submitted by Marianne, Columbia, Md.

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