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Top 10 Things You'll
Never Hear a Dad Say
- Well,
how 'bout that? I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask
for directions.
- You
know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for
unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?
- I noticed that all your
friends have a certain hostile attitude. I like that.
- Here's a credit card and
the keys to my new car. GO CRAZY!!
- What do you mean you
wanna play football? Figure skating's not good enough for you,
son?
- Your Mother and I are
going away for the weekend. You might want to consider throwing a
party.
- Well, I don't know
what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey
thingies--ya know--that makes it run or something. Just have it
towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.
- No son of mine is going
to live under this roof without an earring. Now quit your
belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.
- Whaddya wanna go and get
a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.
- What do I want for my
birthday? Aahh -- don't worry about that. It's no big deal. (Okay,
they might say it. But they don't mean it)
Submitted by Dave, Bolder, Co.
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A wimpy, geeky little
dork ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx . . .
. . . and, clearing his throat,
asked, "............ah, err, which of you gentlemen owns the
Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?"
A giant of a man, wearing biker
leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly
on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said,
"IT'S *MY* DOG. WHY?"
"Well," squeaked the little
man, obviously very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it,
sir."
"WHAT?" roared the big man
in disbelief. "WHAT KIND OF @&*! DOG DO *YOU* HAVE?"
"Sir," answered the little
man, "It's a four week old puppy."
"^%#^$&* !" roared the
biker, "HOW COULD YOUR *&)@%#!! *PUPPY* KILL MY &*X#@%$!
DOBERMAN ?"
"Ummmm, er, well, it appears
that he choked on it, sir."
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Un-Categorizable Jokes, My Little
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Driving techniques
around America . . .
- One hand on wheel, one hand on
horn: CHICAGO
- One hand on wheel, one middle
finger out window: NEW YORK
- One hand on wheel, one middle
finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: NEW JERSEY
- One hand on wheel, one hand on
newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: BOSTON
- One hand on wheel, one hand on
nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on
accelerator, gun in lap: LOS ANGELES
- Both hands on wheel, eyes shut,
both feet on brake, quivering in terror: OHIO, but driving in
PHILADELPHIA
- Both hands in air, gesturing, both
feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat:
ITALY
- One hand on 12 oz. Double shot
latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind
on radio game, banging head on steering wheel while stuck in
traffic: SEATTLE
- One hand on wheel, one hand on
hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the
accelerator and both feet on brake, throwing McDonald' bag out the
window: TEXAS and/or OKLAHOMA
- Four-wheel drive pick-up truck,
shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails
attached to antenna: ALABAMA
AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST ---
- Two hands gripping
wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield, driving 35 on
the Interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: FLORIDA
Submitted by Marianne,
Columbia, Md.
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