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A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other.

Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car.  After the purchase, they drove it home and parked in on the street between their establishments. A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn't need a wash, so he ran out and asked the priest what he was doing.

"I'm blessing it," the priest replied.

The rabbi considered this a moment, then said, "Oh," and ran back inside the synagogue. He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw, ran to the back of the car and cut off the last two inches of the tailpipe.

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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How Many Church Members Does it Take to Change A Light Bulb?
  • Charismatic: Only one. Hands already in the air.
  • Pentecostals: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
  • Presbyterians: None. Lights will go on and off at predestined times.
  • Roman Catholic: None. Candles only.
  • Baptists: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad.
  • Episcopalians: Three. One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk about how much better the old one was.
  • Mormons: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.
  • Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.
  • Methodists: Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Church-wide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring bulb of your choice and a covered dish.
  • Nazarene: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.
  • Lutherans: None. Lutherans don't believe in change.
  • Amish: What's a light bulb?

Submitted by Donna, Emmitsburg, Md.

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Inner-city catholic elementary school tests kids were asked questions ...

... about the old and new testaments. The following statements about the bible were written by children. They have not been retouched nor corrected ie: incorrect spelling has been left in

  • In the first book of the bible, Genesis. God got tired of creating the world so he took the Sabbath off.
  • Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark And the animals came on in pears.
  • Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night. *
  • The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.
  • Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a jezebel like Delilah.
  • Samson slayed the philistines with the axe of the apostles.
  • Moses led the Jews to the Red sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
  • The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Mises went up to mount cyanide to get The ten commandments.
  • The first commandment was when eve told Adam to eat the apple.
  • The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
  • Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
  • The greatest miricle in the bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
  • David was a Hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people Who lived in biblical times.
  • Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
  • When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
  • When the three wise guys from the east side arrived they found Jesus in the manager.
  • Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
  • St. john the blacksmith dumped water on his head.
  • Jesus enunciated the golden rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained A man doth not live by sweat alone.
  • It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
  • The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.
  • The Epistles were the wives of the apostles.
  • One of the Opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
  • St. Paul cavorted to Christianity, he preached holy acrimony which is another name for marriage.
  • Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, PA.

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O'Toole worked in the lumber yard for twenty years ...

... and all that time he'd been stealing the wood and selling it. At last his conscience began to bother him and he went to confession to repent.

"Father, it's 15 years since my last confession, and I've been stealing wood from the lumber yard all those years," he told the priest.

"I understand my son," says the priest.

"Can you make a Novena?"

O'Toole said, "Father, if you have the plans, I've got the lumber."

Paddy was in New York.

He was patiently waiting, and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians."

Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"

Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, Pa.

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Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets ...

..., "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do Father." The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to got to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said," Do you want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, Pa.

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The minister of a city church enjoyed a drink now and then ...

... but his passion was for peach brandy. One of his congregants would make him a bottle each Christmas. One year, when the minister went to visit his friend, hoping for his usual Christmas present, he was not disappointed, but his friend told him that he had to thank him for the peach brandy from the pulpit the next Sunday.

In his haste to get the bottle, the minister hurriedly agreed and left. So the next Sunday the minister suddenly remembered that he had to make a public announcement that he was being supplied alcohol from a member of the church. That morning, his friend sat in the church with a grin on his face, waiting to see the minister's embarrassment.

The minister climbed into the pulpit and said, "Before we begin, I have an announcement. I would very much like to thank my friend, Joe, for his kind gift of peaches ... and for the spirit in which they were given!"

Submitted by Bill, Narberth, PA.

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A college professor, an avowed Atheist, was teaching his class.

He shocked several of his students when he flatly stated he was going to prove there was no God. Addressing the ceiling he shouted: "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform I'll give you 15 minutes!"

The lecture room fell silent. You could have heard a pin fall. Ten minutes went by. Again he taunted God, saying, "Here I am, God. I'm still waiting."

His countdown got down to the last couple of minutes when a Marine - just released from active duty and newly registered in the class - walked up to the professor, hit him full force in the face, and sent him tumbling from his lofty platform. The professor was out cold! At first, the students were shocked and babbled in confusion. The young Marine took a seat in the front row and sat silent. The class fell silent...waiting.

Eventually, the professor came to, shaken. He looked at the young Marine in the front row. When the professor regained his senses and could speak he asked: "What's the matter with you? Why did you do that?"

"God was busy. He sent me."

Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa.

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Pope John Paul II gets to heaven. St. Peter says, "Frankly, you're lucky to be here."

Pope says, "Why? What did I do wrong on earth?"

St. Peter says, "God was very angry with your stance on women becoming priests."

Pope says, "He's mad about THAT?"

St. Peter says, "She's furious."

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Abraham had been dying for years, keeping his poor wife on edge with his demands ...

... and constant imprecations. Finally, on his 89th birthday, he announced that he really was dying, and would not last the night. In fact he looked very ill, and the doctor had said the end was really close. None of the family believed this, it had happened so often, so only his wife was left to comfort him at the end.

Almost in keeping with the event, the weather suddenly became violent, with thunder, lightning and pelting rain. As he gazed up into his wife's eyes, Abraham said, "Sara, my dear, be a loving wife and call the priest, please."

"What, she yelped, "The Priest?!"

"Yes, my dear. Please."

"No, no, I'll call the rabbi."

"No, no, the priest!"

"Oh, no, no. On his deathbed my husband has joined the goyem, lost his senses, turned his back on his faith. Oh, Oh." And she burst into tears.

"There, there, my dear love. Call the priest. I would not trouble the rabbi on a night like this."

Submitted by Lindsey, Melbourne, Australia

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An elderly deacon in the local congregation had the habit of falling asleep during the sermon ...

... which was not too bad, but his snoring was. The minister talked to him, pleaded with him, but no matter the intention to stop, the sleeps continued. Finally the minister thought of a way to put an end to this once and for all this embarrassment. The following Sunday sure enough, five minutes into the sermon, the deacon's snores were reverberating.

In a very quiet voice he said to the congregation, "Listen. I love Jim, but I can't let him snore like that, it's puts me off. So, when I make my next announcement, I want you all to keep quiet and stay seated. OK?"

A few moments later he bellowed out as loud as he could, "Would all those that want to go to hell stand UP!!"

This woke Jim with a start, and jumping to his feet and looking around he said, "Well, reverend, I don't know what the motion was, but it looks as though you and I are the only ones for it!"

Submitted by Lindsey, Melbourne, Al.

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A young Nun was out visiting parishioners when she ran out of gas ...

As luck would have it there was a gas station just one block away. She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up.

The attendant regretfully told her that the only gas can he owned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly. Since the nun was on the way to see a patient she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.

After looking through her car for something to carry to the station to fill with gas, she spotted a bedpan she was taking to the patient.

Always resourceful, she carried it to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried it back to her car. As she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car, two men watched her from across the street.

One of them turned to the other and said: "I know that it is said that Jesus turned water into wine, but if that car starts, I'll become a Catholic for the rest off my life!"

Submitted by Katherine   

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