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Frank Sinatra arrives in Heaven, standing in front of the door, Holy Peter welcomes him.

"Are you Frank Sinatra?? asked Holy Peter.

"Yes I am." Replied Sinatra.

"Are you the one who sold a hundred million of LP's with your beautiful voice?" asked Holy Peter.

"Yes I am." Replied Sinatra again.

"Were you the one who went out with most beautiful women in the world and married Mia Farrow?" Peter asked.

"That's correct!" Replied Sinatra once again

"Are you also the man who owned a huge ranch in Texas, bought a house in Florida with a private port and boat and also had a grand mansion in Beverly Hills?" Peter asked.

"That's true again" Replied Sinatra .

"Well," said Holy Peter "you may come in Heaven...hope you won't be disappointed..."

Submitted by Yves, Paris, France
 

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I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off.

So I ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!"

"Why shouldn't I?" he said.

"Well, there's so much to live for!" "Like what?"

"Well... are you religious?" He said yes.

I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?"

"Christian."

"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?

"Protestant."

"Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"

"Baptist"

"Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"

"Baptist Church of God!"

"Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you reformed Baptist Church of God?"

"Reformed Baptist Church of God!"

"Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?"

He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"

I said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off.

Submitted by Dave, Emmitsburg, Md.
 

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A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.

Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans

Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of New York City."

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"

"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed!"

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
 

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Christian one-liners ...
  • "Don't let your worries get the best of you. Remember, Moses started out as a basket case"
  • Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited - until you try to sit in their pews.
  • Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisors
  • It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.
  • The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes and sand gnats come close
  • When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there.
  • People are funny, they want the front of the bus, the middle of the road, and the back of the church.
  • Opportunity may knock once, nut temptation bangs on your front door forever.
  • Quit griping about your church; if it was perfect, you couldn't belong.
  • If the church wants a better preacher, it only needs to pray for the one it has.
  • God Himself does not propose to judge a man until he is dead. So why should you?
  • Some minds are like concrete, thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.
  • Peace starts with a smile.
  • I don't know why some people change churches; what difference does it make which one you stay home from?
  • A lot of church members who are singing "Standing on the Promises" are just sitting on the premises.
  • We were called to be witnesses, not lawyers or judges
  • Be ye fishers of men. You catch them - He'll clean them.
  • Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.
  • Don't put a question mark where God put a period.
  • Don't wait for 6 strong men to take you to church.
  • Forbidden fruits create many jams.
  • God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.
  • God grades on the cross, not the curve
  • God loves everyone, but probably prefers "fruits of the spirit" over "religious nuts!"
  • God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.
  • He who angers you, controls you!
  • If God is your Copilot - swap seats!
  • Prayer: Don't give God instructions -- just report for duty!
  • The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us.
  • The Will of God will never take you to where the Grace of God will not protect you.
  • We don't change the message, the message changes us.
  • You can tell how big a person is by what it takes to ........ discourage him.
  • The best mathematical equation I have ever seen: 1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given.

Submitted by Sandy, Germantown, Md.
 

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A priest & a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other.

Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car. After the purchase, they drove it home and parked it on the street between them.

A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn't need a wash, so he hurried out and asked the priest what he was doing. "I'm blessing it," the priest replied.

The rabbi considered this a moment, then went back inside the synagogue. He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw, walked over to the back of the car and cut off two inches of the tailpipe.

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
 

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The Irish daughter had not been to the house for over 5 years.

Upon her return, her father cussed her; "Where have you been all this time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us; not even a line to let us know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp! Don't you know what you put your Mum through??!!"

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute..."

"WHAT!!? Out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family - I don't ever want to see you again!"

"OK, Dad - as you wish. I just came back to give Mom this luxury fur coat, title deeds to a ten bed-roomed mansion, plus a savings account certificate for 5 million. For my little brother, this gold Rolex, and for you, Daddy, the spanking new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a lifetime membership to the Country Club...(takes a breath)...an invitation for you all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...."

"Now, what was it you said you had become?" Girl, crying again,

"Sniff, sniff... A prostitute, Dad... Sniff, sniff."

"Oh! Be Jesus! - you scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said "a Protestant".

Come here and give your old man a hug!"

Submitted by Jamie, Frederick, MD.
 

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There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother ...

...  in another part of the country.

"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.

"Only the Ten Commandments," answered the lady.

Submitted by Pastor Jon, Emmitsburg, MD.
 

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Mother Superior was on her way to late morning prayers ...

... when she passed two novices just leaving early morning prayers, on their way to classes. As she passed the young ladies, Mother Superior said, "Good morning ladies."

The novices replied, "Good morning, Mother Superior, may God be with you." But after they had passed, Mother Superior heard one say to the other, "I think she got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning."

This startled Mother Superior, but she chose not to pursue the issue. A little further down the hall, Mother Superior passed two of the Sisters who had been teaching at the convent for several years. She greeted them with, "Good morning Sister Martha, Sister Jessica, may God give you wisdom for our students today."

"Good morning, Mother Superior. Thank you, and may God be with you." But again, after passing, Mother Superior overheard, "She got out of the wrong side of bed today." Baffled, she started to wonder If she had spoken harshly, or with an irritated look on her face. She vowed to be more pleasant.

Looking down the hall, Mother Superior saw retired Sister Mary approaching, step by step, with her walker. As Sister Mary was rather deaf, Mother Superior had plenty of time to arrange a pleasant smile on her face, before greeting Sister Mary. "Good morning, Sister Mary. I'm so happy to see you up and about. I pray God watches over you today, and grants you a wonderful day."

"Ah, Good morning, Mother Superior, and thank you. I see you got up on the wrong side of bed this morning."

Mother Superior was floored! "Sister Mary, what have I done wrong? I have tried to be pleasant, but three times already today, people have said that about me."

Sister Mary stopped her walker, and looked Mother Superior in the face. "Oh, don't take it personally, Mother Superior. It's just that you're wearing Father Murphy's slippers."

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
 

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An old nun, who was living in a convent next to a Brooklyn construction site ...

...  noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways. She decided she would take her lunch, sit with the workers and talk with them. She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating.

She walked up to the group and with a big smile said: "Do you men know Jesus Christ?"

They shook their heads and looked at each other.

One of the workers looked up into the steelwork and yelled "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"

One of the steelworkers yelled down a "Why"?

The worker yelled back. "His wife's here with his lunch."

Submitted by Pat, Smith Mt. Lake, Va.
 

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One Sunday a cowboy went to church ...

When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present.

The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach.

The cowboy said, "I'm not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I'd feed him."

So the minister began his sermon.

One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours. The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he liked the sermon.

The cowboy answered slowly, "Well, I'm not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn't feed him all the hay."

Submitted by Merry ...
 

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Real messages seen on church billboards ...
  • CHURCH CAR PARK - FOR MEMBERS ONLY Trespassers will be baptized!
  • "No God - No Peace. Know God - Know Peace."
  • "Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!"
  • "Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin Robbins."
  • "Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!"
  • An ad for one Church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads, "For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets."
  • When the restaurant next to another Church put out a big sign with red letters that said,
  • "Open Sundays," the church reciprocated with its own message: "We are open on Sundays, too."
  • "People are like tea bags -- you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are."
  • "Fight truth decay -- study the Bible daily."
  • "How will you spend eternity - Smoking or Nonsmoking?"
  • "Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives"
  • "Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world."
  • "It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin."
  • "Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church."
  • "If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns."
  • "If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again."
  • "Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon."
  • "This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing?"(U R)
  • "In the dark? Follow the Son."
  • "Running low on faith? Step in for a fill-up."
  • "If you can't sleep, don't count sheep Talk to the Shepherd."

Submitted by Pat, Blue Lake, Va,
 

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In a never-ending effort to attract the unchurched ...

..., some churches have considered translating their unfamiliar terminology into familiar football phrases:

  • Blitz: the rush for the restaurants that takes place two seconds after every benediction.
  • Blocking: talking endlessly to the pastor at the church door and keeping everyone else from exiting.
  • Coach: the children's Christmas program director.
  • Assistant coach: every mother who has a kid in the children's Christmas program.
  • Commercial: announcements.
  • Instant replay: the preacher loses his notes and falls back on last week's illustrations.
  • Draft choice: the decision to sit close to an air conditioning vent.
  • Draw play: what many children (and not a few adults) do with their bulletins during the service.
  • End zone: the pews.
  • Extra point: what you receive when you tell the preacher their sermon was too short.
  • First quarter: what most people put into the offering so it looks like they are giving.
  • Fourth quarter: the amount that makes up the $1 most people put into the offering when under peer pressure to give more.
  • Hail Mary: desperate move made by ushers in a last-ditch attempt to get people to put something in the plate.
  • Halftime: 1. Usually during the offertory when people decide they need to use the restroom. 2. The period between Sunday school and worship when many choose to leave.
  • Holding: passing on the offering place without putting in a cent.
  • Illegal motion: leaving before the benediction.
  • Interference: talking during the organ prelude.
  • Offsides: when everyone who typically sits on one side of the sanctuary switches to the other side for some reason, and/or sitting in someone else's pew.
  • Backfield-in-motion: making a trip to the back (restroom or water fountain) during the service.
  • Pass interference: a parent moving between two teens in the pew to halt the flow of notes back and forth during the sermon.
  • Quarterback sneak: 1. How the pastor gets from the pulpit to the rear door during the benediction. 2. Sunday school teachers entering the building five minutes after classes began.
  • Rain delay: baptism
  • Sudden death: the penalty to the pastor who preaches more than twenty minutes.
  • Tackle: asking that "new couple" to sing in the choir, work in the nursery, serve on a committee, join a bible study, and teach the middle schoolers before they get away.
  • Pass: when the new couple says no.
  • Time-out: refreshment time in the fellowship hall.
  • Two-minute warning: 1. The pastor's spouse looking at their watch in full view of the pastor. 2. The point at which you realize the sermon is almost over and begin to gather up your children and belongings.
  • Unsportsmanlike conduct: usually takes place at a committee meeting to decide on the color of carpet or some other thing.

Submitted by Pat, Blue Mt. Va.
 

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The next time you feel like GOD can't use you, just remember...
  • Noah was a drunk Abraham was too old
  • Isaac was a daydreamer
  • Jacob was a liar Leah was ugly
  • Joseph was abused
  • Moses had a stuttering problem
  • Gideon was afraid
  • Sampson had long hair and was a womanizer
  • Rahab was a prostitute
  • Jeremiah and Timothy were too young
  • David had an affair and was a murderer
  • Elijah was suicidal Isaiah preached naked
  • Jonah ran from God
  • Naomi was a widow
  • Job went bankrupt
  • John the Baptist ate bugs
  • Peter denied Christ
  • The Disciples fell asleep while praying
  • Martha worried about everything
  • The Samaritan woman was divorced, more than once
  • Zaccheus was too small
  • Paul was too religious
  • Timothy had an ulcer
  • AND Lazarus was dead!

Submitted by Cindy, Emmitsburg, MD.
 

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Mitch, a hard-shell Southern Baptist, loved to sneak away to the racetrack.

On occasion he did moderately well, but it was usually a losing proposition. One day he was there, betting on the ponies and losing his shirt, when he noticed a Catholic priest, attired in the traditional cassock, step out onto the track and bless the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, this horse -- a very long shot -- won the race.

Mitch was most interested to see what the priest did the next race.

Sure enough, he watched the priest step out onto the track as the horses for the fifth race lined up, and placed a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses. Mitch made a beeline for the window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.

Mitch collected his winnings and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest bestowed his blessing on for the 6th race.

The priest showed up, blessed a horse, Mitch bet on it, and it won! He was elated!

As the day went on, the priest continued blessing one horse in each of the races, and it always came in first. Mitch began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick stop at the ATM, withdrew all of his money from his savings account and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet all his money on.

True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses.

Mitchell bet every last cent he had, from his winnings and his savings account money. He watched the race with an inhuman interest, screaming and yelling, only to see the horse he had bet everything on come in dead last.

Mitchell was dumbfounded. He made his way to the track and when he found the priest, he demanded, "Father, what happened? I've watched you all day. All day you blessed horses and they won. That last race, you blessed a horse And he lost. Now I've lost all my savings, and today's winnings, thanks to you!!"

The priest nodded wisely and said, "Well, my son.........that's the problem with you Protestants. You can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites.
 

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After a hardy West Virginia rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets and alleys ....

... a young mother watched her two little boys playing in the puddle through her kitchen window. The older of the two, a five year old lad, grabbed his sibling by the back of his head and shoved his face into the water hole. As the boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the mother runs to the yard in a panic.

"Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?!" she says as she shook the older boy in anger.

"We were just playing 'church' mommy" he said. "I was baptizing him in the name of the Father, the Son and in the hole-he-goes.

Submitted by Don, Hagerstown. Md.
 

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