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A Little Biblical Humor

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth?
A. Ruthless.

Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land. Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.

Q.. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A Samson. He brought the house down.

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.

Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan The banks were always overflowing.

Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.

Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.

Q. Why didn't they play cards on the Ark ?
A. Because Noah was standing on the deck. ( Groan ...)

Submitted by former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed Houck

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One day God was looking down at earth and saw all of the rascally behavior ...

... that was going on. So he called one of his angels to go to earth for a time. When he returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not."

God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down another angel to get a second opinion."

So God called another angel and sent him to earth for a time, too.

When the angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true.

The earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good."

God was not pleased. So he decided to email the 5% who were good, because He wanted to encourage them, give them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what the email said?


Okay, just wondering. I didn't get one either.

Submitted by Donna, Emmitsburg, Md.

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An atheist became incensed over the preparation of Easter and Passover holidays.

He decided to contact his lawyer about the discrimination inflicted on atheists by the constant celebrations afforded to Christians and Jews with all their holidays while atheists had no holiday to celebrate.

The case was brought before a wise judge. After listening to the long passionate presentation by the lawyer, the Judge banged his gavel and declared "Case dismissed!"

The lawyer immediately stood and objected to the ruling and said, "Your honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and many other observances. Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah...yet my client and all other atheists have no such holiday!"

The judge leaned forward in his chair and simply said, "Obviously your client is too confused to even know about, much less celebrate his own atheists' holiday!"

The lawyer pompously said, "Your Honor, we are unaware of any such holiday for atheists. Just when might that holiday be, your Honor?"

The judge said, "Well it comes every year on exactly the same date---April 1st! Since our calendar sets April 1st as 'April Fools Day,' consider that Psalm 14:1, Psalm 53 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, in my opinion, if your client says there is no God, then by scripture he is a fool, thus April 1st is his holiday! Get it?"

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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There once was a rich man who was near death.

He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you." The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. St. Peter seeing the suitcase says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"

But, the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."

St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "Why did you bring paving stones?"

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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A rabbi and his two friends, a priest and a minister, played poker for small stakes once a week.

The only problem was that they lived in a very conservative blue-law town. The sheriff raided their game and took all three before the local judge. After listening to the sheriff's story, the judge sternly inquired of the priest: "Were you gambling, Father?" The priest looked toward heaven, whispered, "Oh, Lord, forgive me!" and then said aloud: "No, your honor, I was not gambling."

"Were you gambling, Reverend?" the judge asked the minister. The minister repeated the priest's actions and said, "No, your honor, I was not."

Turning to the third clergyman, the judge asked: "Were you gambling, Rabbi?"

The rabbi eyed him coolly and replied "With whom?"

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Top Reasons For Joining The Church Choir
  • You're running out of clean clothes and the robe saves on laundry.
  • The church is usually crowded and you want to make sure you always have a seat.
  • You've just been selected for jury duty and you want to get use to sitting with a large group of people.
  • The collection plate is never passed to the choir.
  • There's a clock in the back of the church and you want to know when one hour has passed.
  • For years you have wanted to know who sits in the back of the church but were afraid to turn around and look.
  • You've been known to nod off during the service and don't want the minister/priest to catch you.
  • The chairs for the choir are padded and are the most comfortable chairs in the church.

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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This information is for Catholics only. It must not be divulged to non-Catholics ...

.... The less they know about our rituals and code words, the better off they are.

  • AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
  • BULLETIN: Your receipt for attending Mass.
  • CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Parish to lip-sync.
  • HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.
  • HYMN: A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.
  • RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.
  • INCENSE: Holy Smoke!
  • JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams.
  • JONAH: The original "Jaws" story.
  • JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.
  • KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava.
  • MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.
  • MANGER: Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO. Holiday travel has always been rough.
  • PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.
  • PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.
  • RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.
  • RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.
  • TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.
  • USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.
  • SECRET HOT LINE number direct to the Holy Spirit" that only Catholics know -- "Et cum spiri - 220"

Submitted by Eleanor, San Francisco, Calif.

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A VIP dies and goes to heaven. The queue to go through the pearly gates is slow

and long, and as he is not used to waiting for anything, he walks to the front of the line and demanded immediate entry.

'Sorry,' says the admitting angel, 'there are no privileges in heaven. Please resume you place.'

All entreaties fail, and as he is about to turn and walk back a Harley roars up, a young guy gets off, picks up a medical bag, and walks straight in.

"Hey" says the VIP, "How come a punk like that gets in without waiting, and I've got to stand in that stupid line?"

The angel smiles. "Oh him? That's just God playing doctor."

Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia

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A priest and a pastor from the local churches are standing by the road ...

..., pounding a sign into the ground, that reads:

The End is Near!
Turn Yourself Around Now
Before it's Too Late!

As a car sped past them, the driver yelled, "Leave us alone, you Religious nuts!" From the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash.

The priest turns to the pastor and asks, "Do you think the sign should just say 'Bridge Out'?"

Submitted by Eleanor, San Francisco, Calif

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Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation ...

... and decided that they would make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.

As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, and etc.

The next morning they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb and were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare and when she passed them, she smiled and said, "Good morning, Father" - "Good morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by.

They were both stunned. How in the world did she recognize them as priests?

The next day they went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits-these were so loud, you could hear them before you even saw them-and again settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine, etc.

After a while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a string bikini this time, came walking toward them again. (They were glad they had sunglasses, because their eyes were about to pop out of their heads.)

Again, she approached them and greeted them individually: "Good morning, Father," "Good morning Father," and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it and said. "Just a minute, young lady. Yes, we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did YOU know?"

"Oh, Father, don't you recognize me? I'm Sister Angela!"

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Found in an actual church bulletin
  • Positions open in soprano, alto, tenor and bass. No others need apply.
  • Physical Qualifications: Must be able to carry light musical notes part way across the sanctuary. Must have sufficient vision to see the director.
  • Experience: No applications will be accepted from persons who have not sung, hummed, or whistled in the bathtub or shower at some time.
  • Beginning Wage: Increased satisfaction and joy in the service of God.
  • Fringe Benefits: Social Security. We promise you the security of social fellowship with other choir members.
  • Hours: Thursday evenings from 7 to 8 PM & Sunday mornings. There is occasional opportunity for overtime.
  • Retirement: Generally determined by the printed notes getting too small, the hymnal too heavy, notes too high, the sanctuary too hot or too cold, or the organist unable to play the notes you sing. We are an equal opportunity employer!

Submitted by John, Emmitsburg, Md.

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Christian One Liners
  • Don't let your worries get the best of you; remember, Moses started out as a basket case.
  • Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited until you try to sit in their pews.
  • Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisors.
  • It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.
  • The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.
  • When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there.
  • People are funny; they want the front of the bus, the middle of the road, and the back of the church.
  • Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your front door forever.
  • Quit griping about your church; if it was perfect, you couldn't belong.
  • If the church wants a better pastor, it only needs to pray for the one it has.
  • God Himself does not propose to judge a man until he is dead. So why should you?
  • Some minds are like concrete thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.
  • Peace starts with a smile
  • I don't know why some people change churches; what difference does it make which one you stay home from?
  • A lot of church members who are singing "Standing on the Promises" are just sitting on the premises.
  • We were called to be witnesses, not lawyers or judges.
  • Be ye fishers of men. You catch them - He'll clean them.
  • Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.
  • Don't put a question mark where God put a period.
  • Don't wait for 6 strong men to take you to church.
  • Forbidden fruits create many jams.
  • God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.
  • God grades on the cross, not the curve.
  • God loves everyone, but probably prefers "fruits of the spirit" over "religious nuts!"
  • God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.
  • He who angers you, controls you!
  • If God is your Co-pilot - swap seats!
  • Prayer: Don't give God instructions -- just report for duty!
  • The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us.
  • The Will of God never takes you to where the Grace of God will not protect you.
  • We don't change the message, the message changes us.
  • You can tell how big a person is by what it takes to..........discourage him.
  • The best mathematical equation I have ever seen: 1 cross 3 nails= 4 given.

Submitted by Jennie, Thurmont, MD

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Ecumenical Humor ...

Waking up for Church

One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, "I'm not going."

"Why not?" she asked.

I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "One, they don't like me, and two, I don't like them."

His mother replied, "I'll give YOU two good reasons why YOU SHOULD go to church. (1) You're 59 years old, and (2) you're the pastor!"

The Picnic

A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter.

"This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?"

The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, "At your wedding."

The Usher

An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of

steps. "Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.

"The front row please," she answered.

"You really don't want to do that," the usher said. "The pastor is really boring."

"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.

"No." he said.

"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.

"Do you know who I am?" he asked.

"No." she said.

"Good," he answered.

Show and Tell

A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object to share with the class that represented their religion.

The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David."

The second student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary."

The third student got in up front of the class and said, "My name is Tommy. I am Methodist, and this is a casserole."

The Best Way To Pray

A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby.

"Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray," the priest said.

"No," said the minister. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."

"You're both wrong," the guru said. "The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor."

The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas," he interrupted. "The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."

The Twenty and the One

A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation. The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country.

"I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed. "Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City, the finest restaurants in New York, performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean."

"Wow!" said the one-dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting life!"

"So tell me," says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your lifetime?"

The one dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church, the Baptist Church, the Lutheran Church..."

The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?"

Submitted by Donna, Emmitsubrg, MD.

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