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Senator Narrowly Escapes Wreck ...  

The Associated Press reports that New York junior Senator Hillary Clinton narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft that she was piloting when she was forced to make an emergency landing in Southern Texas because of bad weather. National Transportation Safety Board officials have issued a preliminary determination that pilot error contributed to the accident, and that the senator was flying in IFR conditions while only having obtained a VFR, single engine land rating. The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel on board. No one on the ground was injured. Pictures taken at the scene show the extent of damage to Senator Clinton's aircraft.

See Picture of Wreckage Below!!!


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A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed.  

A fellow came in for a drink and the robot asked him, 'What's your IQ?'

The man replied, '150.' So the robot proceeded to make conversation about Quantum physics, string theory, atomic chemistry, and so on.

The man listened intently and thought, 'This is really cool.'

The man decided to test the robot. He walked out the bar, turned around, and came back in for another drink. Again, the robot asked him, 'What's your IQ?'

The man responded, '100.' So the robot started talking about football, baseball, and so on.

The man thought to himself, 'Wow, this is amazing.'

The man went out and came back in a third time. As before, the robot asked him, 'What's your IQ?' The man replied, '50.'

The robot then said, 'So, you gonna vote for Bush again?'

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Hillary Clinton died and went to heaven ...

As she stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, she saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. She asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks.

Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said Hillary, "who's clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Who's clock is that?"

"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice telling us that Abe only told 2 lies in his entire life."

"Where's Bill's clock?" Hillary asked.

"Bill's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, Pa.

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To: Mr. John Hinckley ...

St. Elizabeth's Hospital
Washington, DC

Dear John:

Laura and I hope that you are continuing your excellent progress in recovery from your mental problems. We were pleased to hear that you are now able to have unsupervised visits with your parents. The staff at the hospital reports that you are doing fine.

I have decided to seek a second term in office as your president and I would appreciate your support and the support of your fine parents. I would hope that if there is anything that you need at the hospital, you will let us know.

By the way, were you aware that John Kerry is going out with Jody Foster?


George W. Bush

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Two boys in Boston were playing basketball when one of them was attacked by ...

... a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy a ripped board off a near by fence, wedged it into the dog's collar and twisted it, breaking the dog's neck.

A newspaper reporter from the Boston Herald witnessed the incident and rushed over to interview the boy. The reporter began entering data into his laptop, beginning with the headline: "Brave Young Celtics Fan Saves Friend From Jaws Of Vicious Animal."

"But I'm not a Celtics fan, "the little hero interjected. "Sorry," replied the reporter. "But since we're in Boston, Mass, I just assumed you were."

Hitting the delete key, the reporter began "John Kerry Fan rescues Friend From Horrific Dog Attack."

"But I'm not a Kerry fan either," the boy responds.

The reporter says, "I assumed everybody in this state was either for the Celtics or Kerry or Kennedy."

"What team or person do you like? "

"I'm a Houston Rockets fan and I really like George W. Bush" the boy says. Hitting the delete key, the reporter begins again,

"Arrogant Little Conservative Delinquent Kills Beloved Family Pet."

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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Little Jimmy was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked the children ...

... what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up-fireman, policeman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, Jimmy was being uncharacteristically quiet, so the teacher asked him about his father.

"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little Jimmy aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father ?

"No," said Jimmy, "he works for John Kerry, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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French terror alert level raised:

Reuters News Agency; Date: 03/25/2004 7:47:17 AM Pacific Standard Time

AP and UPI report that the French Government announced today that in light of the Madrid bombing, France has raised its terror alert level from "run" to "hide".

The only two higher levels in France are "collaborate" and "surrender".

Submitted by Bill, Narberth, PA.

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When Clinton was still President, he returned after a weekend trip home to Arkansas...

... and stepped from the helicopter and onto the White House lawn. He was carrying 2 Arkansas-bred hawgs.

At the bottom of the steps, a young Marine snapped to attention, saluted sharply and said, "Fine looking pigs, sir!". Clinton turned and glared at the boy. "Son, don't you know I'm from Arkansas? These ain't pigs, they're hawgs."

The marine replied, "This Marine begs the Commander in Chief's pardon, sir. Fine looking hawgs, sir!"

Clinton smiled with pride and the young man relaxed. The President went on, "Thank you son. Now, you see this one here?"...nodding to one of the hawgs under his right arm... "I got this one for Chelsea"...then he nodded to the hawg on his left. "...and got this one here for Hillary."

At that the Marine snapped back to attention and said,

"Outstanding trades, sir'

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 70-year-old Texas business Tycoon ...

... (whose hand had been caught in a fence while working at his country home), a doctor and the old man were talking about George Bush.

The old Tycoon said, "Well, ya know, George is a 'post turtle'." Not knowing what the old man meant, the doctor asked him what a post turtle was. The old man said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle."

The old man saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain, "You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he can't get anything done while he's up there, and you just want to help the poor stupid bastard get down".

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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A group of Texans are driving down the road, whooping it up ..

... drinking beer and shooting off their guns when they get into an accident with a busload of nuns and orphans, killing everyone.

The Texans go straight to Hell. When they arrive, the Devil is shocked to see that they are not in agony over the heat, and he demands an explanation.

"Well, sir, we're from Texas, and we're used to the heat," says one. This infuriates the Devil and he cranks the thermostat up to its highest setting. The lost souls all over hell start wailing. "I'll check on them in the morning and see how they like this." The Devil snorts and disappears in a ball of fire.

The next morning, the Devil shows up at the Texans' camp site, and sure enough they are showing some signs of discomfort. They have taken off their 10 gallon hats and are fanning themselves. One has even rolled up his sleeves. "Well, sir," explains a Texan, "when you've been on a cattle drive in Lubbock during August, this ain't hardly nothing."

The Devil is now so angry he is seeing red. "Those damn Texans seem immune to heat, let 's see what happens when I turn off the heat," he says as he heads to the thermostat. "I'll check on them tomorrow."

So in the morning the Devil arrives at the Texans' campsite, and they are all whoopin' and hollerin' and drinkin' the beers from the ice chest in the back of the pick up, now that they have ice to chill them with. The wail of the lost souls is deafening, but the Texans are partyin' like there is no tomorrow.

"I don't get it," the Devil says, completely defeated. "I tried to roast you and it had no effect, and then I tried to freeze you and you are partying. You Texans are made of tough stuff. But why are you celebrating?"

A Texan takes a swig from a Bud in a longneck and replies, "Look around! Hell is frozen over. That's just gotta mean thar's another Bush in the White House."

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport. MD.

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Pentagon officials believe they have been unable to locate Bin Laden ...

...  because he found a place to hide out where:

  1. It is easy to get in if you have money and connections.
  2. No one will recognize or remember you.
  3. No one will realize that you have disappeared.
  4. No one keeps any records of your comings and goings.
  5. There's free dental care when you need it.
  6. You have no obligations or responsibilities.
  7. You can continue to hide from the war and let the common soldier do all the bleeding.

Pentagon analysts are still puzzled, however, as to how Bin Laden found out about the Texas Air National Guard in the first place.

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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No wonder the idealists get so discouraged...
  •  Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of of Congress -- but I repeat myself. -- Mark Twain
  • We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prospe rity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. --Winston Churchill
  • A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. --George Bernard Shaw
  • A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money. -- G. Gordon Liddy
  • Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner. --James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)
  • Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. --Douglas Casey, Classmate of W. J. Clinton at Georgetown U. (1992)
  • Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. --P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian
  • Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. --Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)
  • Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. -- Ronald Reagan (1986)
  • I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. --Will Rogers
  • If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free. --P.J. O'Rourke
  • If you want government to intervene domestically, you're a liberal. If you want government to intervene overseas, you're a conservative. If you want government to intervene everywhere, you're a moderate. If you don't want government to intervene anywhere, you're an extremist. --Joseph Sobran, Editor of the National Review at one time (1995)
  • In general, the art of government consists in taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. --Voltaire (1 764)
  • Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you. --Pericles (430 B.C.)
  • No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the legislature is in session. --Mark Twain (1866)
  • Talk is cheap-except when Congress does it. --(Unknown)
  •  The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. --Ronald Reagan
  • The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. --Winston Churchill
  • The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. --Mark Twain
  • The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools. --Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)
  • There is no distinctly native American criminal class save Congress. --Mark Twain
  • What this country needs are more unemployed politicians. -- Edward Langley, Artist 1928-1995

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, MD.

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