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President George W. Bush was scheduled to visit the Methodist church ...

... as part of his campaign. Bush's campaign manager made a visit to the Bishop, and said to him, "We've been getting a lot of bad publicity among Methodists because of Bush's position on stem cell research and the like. We'd gladly make a contribution to the church of $100,000 if during your sermon you'd say the President is a saint."

The Bishop thinks it over for a few moments and finally says, "The Church is in desperate need of funds and I will agree to do it."

Bush pompously shows up looking especially smug and as the sermon progresses the Bishop begins his homily:

"George Bush is petty, a self-absorbed hypocrite and a nitwit. He is a liar, a cheat, a bully, and a low-intelligence weasel. He was a drunken cokehead for most of his adult life, and he had Rove scrub his cocaine arrest story by setting up and destroying the journalist who reported it, the late Jim Hatfield. He has lied about his military record and had the gall to dress up in a flight suit landing on a carrier posing before a banner stating 'Mission Accomplished.' Worst of all, he let his cabinet neocons and covert operators murder almost 3,000 Americans on 9/11 so he could invade two countries for oil and money-and he's been lying about it ever since. He is the worst example of a Methodist I've ever personally known. But compared to Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld, Paul Wolfowitz, Richard Pearle, Doug Feith, Scooter Libby, and the other neocons, George Bush is a saint."

Submitted by Jon, Emmitsburg, Pa.

Unfortunately George Bush was never tried for any of these crimes. Perhaps he had a Columbus OVI lawyer review his drug cases before they went to trial. Having an experienced OVI lawyer can make all the difference in any type of DUI case.

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If you were asked to name the animals political hacks most closely resemble ...

... which one would you choose?

Armadillo: totally wrapped in itself, nearly impossible to needle, and conscious of all the dangers out there. Given away by the sly glint of amused cynicism in the eyes, knowing that only it has taken the proper steps to remain in office.

Lion: roaring dreadfully, it has built up fear and respect from everyone around while permitting his wife to do all the work, the thinking, and the application of its policies. Has successfully marketed itself as trademark, logo, mascot, and money-spinner. Uses campaign speeches written by hyenas.

Gazelle: Graceful and gorgeous, big brown eyes make the gazelle the ideal companion for the upwardly and downwardly mobile politician. Admired by lions, hunted by lionesses, may be found in cosy, warm, well-appointed high-rises. Talks out of giddiness and the need to feel high, reveals secrets to the media but is never to blame.

Elephant: Revered by some, this mighty beast has an impervious skin, ability to attack fiercely, work in lumber camps, carry children on its back, squirt water and dirt at opponents and self, and likes to eat peanuts. For all its strength it is bothered by midges, and while it is very effective as party whip, it is better suited to loading trucks.

Horse: A true friend to humankind since the dawn of history, the horse is now either the king of the track or the stable, both roles unrewarding financially. Needs to feel wanted and useful and no campaign can be run without them. Secretly longs for a return to pulling carts or chariots, but will always put up posters if fed carrots.

Polar Bear: Happy in frozen isolation, this bear has developed survival strategies that are the envy of many. Spends long hours in thoughtful hibernation developing economic theories which it then coaxes into mainstream use, will not be held responsible for their failure elsewhere. This think tank head should never be let near policy. Cannot understand expediency.

Chimpanzee: An essential tool in political science, the chimp cannot comprehend what his descendants, or his fellows, are up to. The average voter, but also a carrier of potentially dangerous plagues. Does what the lion says.

Dogs: Mans best friend who got that way by being accommodating, alert, possessive, jealous, hungry, fierce when needed, and slobberingly ingratiating at all other times. Born salespeople, they are most suited to lobbying, setting the stage, and sniffing out the opposition. Not noted for subtlety, they often become campaign managers.

Cats: The supreme egoist, domesticated cats know what is theirs and that the rest doesn't matter. Will do anything to make their life better and more meaningful, but go to pieces over radical changes. The average middle class voter, can be bought with a bigger saucer of warm milk.

Submitted by Lindsey, Melbourne, Australia

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At long last our president really explained his Social Security Reform Proposal very clearly  ...

... and in some detail. I finally understand it.

Woman in Audience:

"I don't really understand. How is it the new plan is going to fix the problem?"

Exact verbatim response:

President Bush: "Because the -- all which is on the table begins to address the big cost drivers. For example, how benefits are calculated, for example, is on the table. Whether or not benefits rise based upon wage increases or price increases. There's a series of parts of the formula that are being considered. And when you couple that, those different cost drivers, affecting those -- changing those with personal accounts, the idea is to get what has been promised more likely to be -- or closer delivered to that has been promised. Does that make any sense to you? It's kind of muddled. Look, there's a series of things that cause the -- like, for example, benefits are calculated based upon the increase of wages, as opposed to the increase of prices. Some have suggested that we calculate the benefits will rise based upon inflation, supposed to wage increases. There is a reform that would help solve the red if that were put into effect. In other words, how fast benefits grow, how fast the promised benefits grow, if those -- if that growth is affected, it will help on the red."

Submitted by Wink, The Bronx, NY

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How Ronald Reagan saw things ...
  • Here's my strategy on the Cold War: We win, they lose."
  • "The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help."
  • "The trouble with our liberal friends is not that they're ignorant: It's just that they know so much that isn't so."
  • "Of the four wars in my lifetime none came about because the U.S. was too strong."
  • "I have wondered at times about what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress."
  • "The taxpayer: That's someone who works for the federal government but doesn't have to take the civil service examination."
  • "Government is like a baby: An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other."
  • "If we ever forget that we're one nation under God, then we will be a nation gone under."
  • "The nearest thing to eternal life we will ever see on this earth is a government program."
  • "I've laid down the law, though, to everyone from now on about anything that happens: no matter what time it is, wake me, even if it's in the middle of a Cabinet meeting."
  • "It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession. I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first."
  • "Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it."
  • "Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book."
  • "No arsenal, or no weapon in the arsenals of the world, is so formidable as the will and moral courage of free men and women.

Submitted by Bill, Narberth, PA.

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One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment.

What he did was, he went into the boy's room and placed on his study table these three objects: A Bible, a silver dollar, and a bottle of whiskey.

"Now then," the old preacher said to himself, "I'll just hide behind the door here, and when my son comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which of these three objects he picks up. If he picks up the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me,

and what a blessing that would be. If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be ok, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a drunkard a no-good drunkard, and Lord, what a shame that would be."

The old man was anxious as he waited, and soon he heard his son's footsteps as he came into the house whistling and headed back to his room. He deposited his books on the bed, as a matter of routine, and as he turned around to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table.

With a curious set in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. What he finally did was, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket, uncorked the bottle and took a big drink.

"Lord have mercy," the old man whispered, "He's gonna be a politician!"

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, MD

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Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing ...

... that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington; and they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give them all a cow.

Constitution They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked for over 200 years and we're not using it anymore.

Ten Commandments The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse: You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment!

And Last but not least..... George Carlin said it best about Martha Stewart .... "Boy, I feel a lot safer now that she's behind bars. O.J. Simpson and Kobe Bryant are still walking around; Osama Bin Laden too, but they take the one woman in America willing to cook, clean, and work in the yard, and haul her ass off to jail."

Submitted by Bill, Narberth, PA.

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While visiting his niece, an elderly man had a heart attack.

The woman drove wildly to get him to the emergency room. After what seemed like a very long wait, the E.R. doctor appeared, wearing his scrubs and a long face. Sadly, he said, I'm afraid that your uncle's brain is dead, but his heart is still beating. Oh, dear," cried the woman, her hands clasped against her cheeks with shock . . . .

We've never had a Democrat in the family before!"

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, MD.

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A Marine squad came upon an insurgent soldier badly injured and unconscious.

Nearby, on the opposite side of the road, was an American Marine in a similar, but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert.

As first aid was given to both men, the Marine was asked what had happened.

He replied, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. Seeing each other we both took cover."

"What happened then?"

"I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable low-life scumbag, and he yelled back that George Bush was a rich, good-for-nothing, draft-dogging liar."

"We were standing in the middle of the road shaking hands when a truck hit us."

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The fool proof living will everyone should understand ...

I, _________________________ (fill in the blank), being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means.

Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of peckerwood politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it.

If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to sit up and ask for a cold beer, it should be presumed that I won't ever get better.

When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my spouse, children and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day.

Under no circumstances shall the members of the Legislature enact a special law to keep me on life-support machinery. It is my wish that these boneheads mind their own damn business, and pay attention instead to the health, education and future of the millions of Americans who aren't in a permanent coma.

Under no circumstances shall any politicians butt into this case.

I don't care how many fundamentalist votes they're trying to scrounge for their run for the presidency in 2008, it is my wish that they play politics with someone else's life and leave me alone to die in peace.

I couldn't care less if a hundred religious zealots send e-mails to legislators in which they pretend to care about me. I don't know these people, and I certainly haven't authorized them to preach and crusade on my behalf. They should mind their own business, too.

If any of my family goes against my wishes and turns my case into a political cause, I hereby promise to come back from the grave and make his or her existence a living hell.

_______________________________________ Signature

_______________________________________ Witness

Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa.

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No Child Left Behind: The Football Version ...
  1. All teams must make the state playoffs, and all will win the championship. If a team does not win the championship, they will be on probation until they are the champions, and coaches will be held accountable.
  2. All kids will be expected to have the same football skills at the same time and in the same conditions. No exceptions will be made for interest in football, a desire to perform athletically, or genetic abilities or disabilities. ALL KIDS WILL PLAY FOOTBALL AT A PROFICIENT LEVEL.
  3. Talented players will be asked to work out on their own without instruction. This is because the coaches will be using all their instructional time with the athletes who aren't interested in football, have limited athletic ability or whose parents don't like football.
  4. Games will be played year round, but statistics will only be kept in the 4th, 8th and 11th games
  5. This will create a New Age of sports where every school is expected to have the same level of talent and all teams will reach the same minimal goals.

If no child gets ahead, then no child will be left behind.

Submitted by Bill, of The Willys

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The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada ...

... has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration.

The re-election of President Bush is prompting the exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray and agree with Bill O'Reilly.

Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal-rights activists and Unitarians crossing their fields at night. "I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. "He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he left. Didn't even get a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?"

In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. So he tried installing speakers that blare Rush Limbaugh across the fields. "Not real effective," he said. "The liberals still got through, and Rush annoyed the cows so much they wouldn't give milk."

Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, drive them across the border and leave them to fend for themselves. "A lot of these people are not prepared for rugged conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a drop of drinking water. They did have a nice little Napa Valley cabernet, though."

When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about the Bush administration establishing re-education camps in which liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch NASCAR.

In the days since the election, liberals have turned to sometimes-ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have taken to posing as senior citizens on bus trips to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs.

After catching a half-dozen young vegans disguised in powdered wigs, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior-citizen passengers. "If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we get suspicious about their age," an official said.

Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating and organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan Sarandon movies. "I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them," an Ottawa resident said. "How many art-history majors does one country need?"

In an effort to ease tensions between the United States and Canada, Vice President Dick Cheney met with the Canadian ambassador and pledged that the administration would take steps to reassure liberals, a source close to Cheney said. "We're going to have some Peter, Paul & Mary concerts. And we might put some endangered species on postage stamps. The president is determined to reach out."

Submitted by Pastor Jon, Emmitsburg, MD.

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Laughing Bush Out of Office

"President Bush announced he has a five-point strategy for getting out of Iraq. Points six through ten will be handled by the Kerry administration." -- David Letterman

"President Bush's campaign is now attacking John Kerry for throwing away some of his medals to protest the Vietnam War. Bush did not have any medals to throw away, but in his defense, he did have all of his service records thrown out." -- Jay Leno

"President Bush says in the last month he has created 300,000 new jobs. Yeah, they're called Kerry campaign workers." -- Craig Kilborn

"Is it me or is Bush going everywhere Kerry goes? So far in the past week, President Bush has followed John Kerry to Davenport, Iowa; New Mexico; Las Vegas; Los Angeles; and he follows him to Portland, Oregon....The only place he never followed John Kerry was Vietnam." --Jay Leno

"President Bush said that the people who are attacking our forces in Iraq are getting more and more desperate because we're making so much progress. So just remember, the worse it gets, the better it is." --Jay Leno

"As of yesterday, the Bush administration still hadn't found the source of the White House leak that outed a woman as a CIA operative. To recap, here are the things President Bush can't find: The source of the leak, weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Osama bin Laden, the link between Saddam and Osama bin Laden, the guy who sent the anthrax through the mail, and his butt with two hands and a flashlight." -- Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"The White House now has disputed allegations by members of the House Intelligence Committee that President Bush went to war with Iraq based on vague intelligence. Of course he did: EVERYTHING Bush does is based on vague intelligence." -- Jay Leno

"Bush is smart. I don't think that Bush will ever be impeached, 'cause unlike Clinton, Reagan, or even his father, George W. is immune from scandal. Because if George W. testifies that he had no idea what was going on, wouldn't you believe him?" -Jay Leno

Submitted by Vicki, Downingtown, Pa.

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Once upon a time, God was missing for six days.

Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired of God. "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people."

"Balance in all things," God continued pointing to different countries.

"This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land mass and said, "What's that one?"

"Ah," said God "That's Washington State, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful streams, hills, and forests. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent and humorous, and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats, and carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance."

God smiled, "There is another Washington...wait til you see the idiots I put there."

Submitted by Jon, Emmitsburg, Md.

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Republican National Convention Schedule - New York, NY
  • 6:00 PM Opening Prayer led by the Reverend Jerry Falwell
  • 6:30 PM Pledge of Allegiance
  • 6:35 PM Ceremonial Burning of Bill of Rights (excluding 2nd Amendment)
  • 6:45 PM Salute to the Coalition of the Willing
  • 6:46 PM Seminar #1: Katherine Harris on "Are Elections Really Necessary?"
  • 7:30 PM Announcement: Ronald Reagan's picture to replace all portraits on all American currency
  • 7:35 PM Trent Lott -- "Re-segregation in the 21st Century"
  • 7:40 PM EPA Address #1: Mercury: It's What's for Dinner
  • 8:00 PM Vote on which country to invade next
  • 8:10 PM Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh
  • 8:15 PM John Ashcroft Lecture: The Queers Are After Your Children
  • 8:30 PM Round table discussion on reproductive rights (men only)
  • 8:50 PM Seminar #2: Corporations: The Government of the Future
  • 9:00 PM Condi Rice sings "Can't Help Lovin' Dat Man"
  • 9:05 PM Phyllis Schlafly speaks on "Why Women Shouldn't Be Leaders"
  • 9:10 PM EPA Address #2: Trees: The Real Cause of Forest Fires
  • 9:30 PM Break for secret meetings
  • 10:00 PM Announcement: Ronald Reagan to replace figures dynamited from Mt. Rushmore
  • 10:15 PM Carl Rove Lecture: Doublespeak Made Simple
  • 10:30 PM Rumsfeld Lecture/Demonstration: How to Squint and Talk Macho-- Even When You Feel Squishy Inside
  • 10:35 PM Announcement: Nation's capital re-named Reaganville USA
  • 10:40 PM John Ashcroft Demonstration: New Mandatory Kevlar Chastity Belt
  • 10:45 PM The Grand Old Party's Tribute to Tokenism, featuring Colin Powell & Condi Rice
  • 10:46 PM Ann Coulter's Tribute to "Joe McCarthy, Great American Patriot"
  • 10:50 PM Seminar #3: Education: A Drain on Our Nation's Economy
  • 11:10 PM Hilary Clinton Pinata
  • 11:20 PM John Ashcroft Lecture: Evolutionists: A Dangerous New Cult
  • 11:30 PM Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh again
  • 11:35 PM Blame Clinton
  • 11:40 PM Newt Gingrich speaks on "The Sanctity of Marriage"
  • 11:40:30 PM Announcement: Pacific Ocean re-named The Reagan Sea
  • 11:50 PM Acclamation of George W. Bush as Most Holy and Supreme Planetary Overlord
  • 12:00 PM Closing Prayer led by Jesus Himself.

Submitted by Bill of the Willys

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