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You Might Be A Republican If ...
  • You think "proletariat" is a type of cheese.
  • You've named your kids "Deduction one" and "Deduction two"
  • You've tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people were just allowed to keep more of their minimum wage.
  • You've ever referred to someone as "my (insert racial or ethnic minority here) friend"
  • You've ever tried to prove Jesus was a capitalist and opposed to welfare.
  • You're a pro-lifer, but support the death penalty.
  • You think Huey Newton is a cookie.
  • The only union you support is the Baseball Players, because heck, they're richer than you.
  • You think you might remember laughing once as a kid.
  • You once broke loose at a party and removed your neck tie.
  • You call mall rent-a-cops "jack-booted thugs."
  • You've ever referred to the moral fiber of something.
  • You've ever uttered the phrase, "Why don't we just bomb the sons of bitches."
  • You've ever said, "I can't wait to get into business school."
  • You've ever called a secretary or waitress "Tootsie."
  • You answer to "The Man."
  • You don't think "The Simpsons" is all that funny, but you watch it because that Flanders fellow makes a lot of sense.
  • You fax the FBI a list of "Commies in my Neighborhood."
  • You don't let your kids watch Sesame Street because you accuse Bert and Ernie of "sexual deviance."
  • You scream "Dit-dit-ditto" while making love.
  • You've argued that art has a "moral foundation set in Western values."
  • When people say "Marx," you think "Groucho."
  • You've ever yelled, "Hey hippie, get a haircut."
  • You think Birkenstock was that radical rock concert in 1969.
  • You argue that you need 300 handguns, in case a bear ever attacks your home.
  • Vietnam makes a lot of sense to you.
  • You point to Hootie and the Blowfish as evidence of the end of racism in America.
  • You've ever said civil liberties, schmivil schmiberties.
  • You've ever said "Clean air? Looks clean to me."
  • You've ever called education a luxury.
  • You look down through a glass ceiling and chuckle.
  • You wonder if donations to the Pentagon are tax-deductable.
  • You came of age in the '60s and don't remember Bob Dylan.
  • You own a vehicle with an "Ollie North: American Hero" sticker.
  • You're afraid of the liberal media."
  • You ever based an argument on the phrase, "Well, tradition dictates...."
  • You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch "lives in a trash can because he is lazy and doesn't want to contribute to society."
  • You've ever urged someone to pull themselves up by their bootstraps, when they don't even have shoes.
  • You confuse Lenin with Lennon.

Submitted by Don, Hagerstwon, MD.

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A guy was traveling through Mexico on vacation when, lo and behold, he lost his wallet ...

... and all identification. Cutting his trip short, he attempts to make his way home but is stopped by the Customs Agent at the border.

"May I see your identification, please?" asks the agent.

"I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replies the guy.

"Sure, buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no crossing the border," says the agent.

"But I can prove that I'm an American!" he exclaims. "I have a picture of Ronald Reagan tattooed on one butt cheek and a picture of George Bush on the other."

"This I gotta see," replies the agent. With that, Joe drops his pants and bends over in front of the agent.

"By golly, you're right!" exclaims the agent. "Go on home to New York."

"Thanks!" he says. "But how did you know I was from New York?"

The agent replies, "I recognized the picture of Hillary Clinton in the middle.

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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'Tis the season for New Year's resolutions, and once again Inside the Beltway ...

... offers its readers the opportunity to tell politicians what they'd like them to accomplish in 2004. Without further ado:

  • "I, George W. Bush, resolve to find an appropriate military decoration for that soldier who thought fast enough to give Saddam Hussein my 'greetings' in his spider hole." (Paul Sarvis, Elk Grove, Calif.)
  • "I, Saddam Hussein, resolve to not be such a procrastinator." (S.S., St. Louis)
  • "I, George W. Bush, resolve to ban the imports of all meat products into the U.S." (Larry Whitehurst, Mt. Horeb, Wis.)
  • "I, Joe Lieberman, resolve to send Al Gore a thank-you card - and a case of steaks - for endorsing Howard Dean." (J.S.R., Stafford, Va.)
  • "I, Howard Dean, resolve to not blame President Bush for 'mad cow' or for my 'foot-in-mouth' disease." (Brian Larsson, Easton, Pa.)
  • "I, Al Gore, resolve in 2004 to fix the Internet that I invented and make it spam-free." (Bill Petruzel, Springfield, Va.)
  • "I, George W. Bush, resolve to set up a task force to find and eliminate wasteful ways in the federal government so we can offset the national debt that I have incurred." (CMC, Leesburg, Va.)
  • "I, Joe Lieberman, resolve to stop speaking like Elmer Fudd." (Barry Hill, Annapolis)
  • "I, every congressman and senator, resolve to pass a bill allowing my constituents to set my salary in the future." (R. Umland, Summerfield, Fla.)
  • "I, Bill Clinton, resolve to have my picture taken at least once this year with my wife." (Dave Dahlke, Port Orchard, Wash.)
  • "I, John Kerry, resolve to reference my Vietnam service fewer times in 2004 than there are names on the Vietnam Memorial." (L. Berry, Voorhees, N.J.)
  • "I, Ben Chandler, Democratic nominee for congressman of Kentucky, resolve to stop acting like Howard Dean." (David Adams, Nicholasville, Ky.) Note: The Feb. 17 special election for the 6th Congressional District of Kentucky is the first partisan contest this year in the United States.
  • "We, Republican Senators Olympia Snowe and Susan Collins [both of Maine], resolve to end the years-long charade and place 'Democrat' after our names." (C. Henderson, Houston)
  • "I, Dick Cheney, resolve in 2004 to get out more." (Howard M. Peace, Asheville, N.C.)
  • "I, Howard Dean, resolve to control my seething but 'compassionate' anger for President Bush to prevent my head from exploding before the November election." (J.A.L., Sewell, N.J.)
  • "I, Charles Schumer, resolve to go to the shooting range at least twice a month in 2004 to improve my firearms skills." (Ken Hathaway, Browning Arms).
  • "I, Howard Dean, resolve to trust, communicate, and work closely with Chairman Terry McAuliffe - until November 5, 2004." (Don Kasprzak, Plattsburgh, N.Y.)
  • "I, Dick Gephardt, resolve to remove the words 'miserable' and 'failure' from my vocabulary, unless of course, I am referring to my own campaign." (Joe Menavich, Potomac Falls, Md.)
  • "I, George W. Bush, resolve to quit signing bills without reading them first." (Brian McCauley, Haymarket, Va.)
  • "I, Arnold Schwarzenegger, resolve in 2004 to correctly pronounce the name of the state I govern." (Scott Wance, Reston, Va.)
  • "I, John Kerry, resolve to wash my mouth out with green or purple ketchup the next time I use the 'F-word.' I also resolve to tell my wife what a dumb idea artificially colored ketchup is." (M.J.L., Marriottsville, Md.)
  • "I, Terry McAuliffe, resolve to never again use the following terms in the same sentence: 2000, Florida, election and selection." (John Casteel, Traverse City, Mich.)
  • "I, George W. Bush, resolve to veto any bill that makes a person or behavior or status legal that is now illegal." (N.N., Philadelphia)
  • "I, Wesley Clark, resolve to write on the blackboard 100 times, 'Being a bully doesn't prove anything; I must develop integrity and moral fiber if I want to prove how tough I am.' " (M.J.L., Marriottsville, Md.)
  • "Now that everyone knows Brits, Italians, Bulgarians and even Thais have died in Iraq, I, Howard Dean, shall never again use the word 'unilateral.' " (Ali F. Sevin, Fort Washington, Md.)
  • "I, Terry McAuliffe, resolve to embark on a career where I can be successful." (Dave Guild, Prior Lake, Minn.)
  • "I, Tom Daschle, am deeply saddened to resolve in 2004 my search for stimulating rhetoric." (Marco Cappabianca, Croton-on-Hudson, N.Y.)
  • "I, John Kerry, the French-looking Democrat senator from Massachusetts, who by the way served in Vietnam, resolve to get a white-sidewall, Marine-style haircut." (Retired Air Force Lt. Col. Harry M. Mathis, Round Rock, Texas)
  • "I, Howard Dean, resolve to be the candidate for conspiracy theorists, militant pacifists, and those who only take their foot out of their mouth to shoot it." (Nate Coates, Washington)
  • "I, Hillary Rodham Clinton, resolve to get a tow cable longer than Howard Dean's cliff." (Paul Sarvis, Elk Grove, Calif.)
  • "I, Howard Dean, resolve to find a taller cliff." (Ditto)

Submitted by Don, Hagerstown, Md.

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The division of the human family into its two distinct branches, liberals and conservatives ...

... occurred some 20,000 years ago. Until then all humans coexisted as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers.

A thousand generations ago, in the pivotal event of societal evolution, beer was invented. This epochal innovation was both the foundation of modern civilization and the occasion of the great bifurcation of humanity into its two distinct subgroups. Once beer was discovered, our prehistoric forebears decided it was time to settle down. Making beer required grain, and securing a steady supply of it ordained the invention of agriculture. After that was accomplished, ancient man quickly, and unfairly, consigned actual cultivation to women. Men couldn't just run off, willy-nilly, however. Neither the glass bottle nor the aluminum can had yet been invented, so it was necessary to stick pretty close to home, and the brewery. This left our male ancestors with a lot of time on their hands, and led to the division of the species, which persists to this day.

Some men tried to conserve remnants of the old way of life (hence the term "conservative") by spending their days in the open field in the dangerous pursuit of big game animals. At night they would roast their prey at a big barbecue, and afterwards sat around the fire drinking beer, passing wind and telling off color jokes.

Other, more timid, souls stayed closer to home. They are responsible for the domestication of cats and the invention of group therapy. Mostly, they sat around worrying about how life wasn't fair and concocting elaborate schemes to "liberate" themselves from inequity (thus their designation as "liberals"). In the evening they gathered around their fire, nibbling on fruit and nuts, sharing their innermost feelings.

Today some liberals try to pretend they're really sort of conservative, and sometimes succeed in confusing people. The following are a few tips to use in distinguishing the two types:

By definition liberals believe in big government and high taxes. Life is unfair and the government is there to do something about it. Most people are too stupid to spend untaxed income wisely, they say, and high taxes allow liberals in government to do a better job of it.

Conservatives don't like government, and, aside from the military, wish it would just go away. They hate taxes, regulations, speed limits, and small cars. Typical conservatives are Arnold Schwarzenegger, Ronald Reagan, Rush Limbaugh and, up there with the Big Man in the Sky, the incomparable John Wayne.

Typical liberals are Dustin Hoffman, Shirley McLaine, Pee Wee Herman, Martin Sheen, Sean Penn, Barbara Streisand, Ted Turner and his former wife, the traitor Jane Fonda.

All conservatives drink beer - American beer. Some liberals like imported beer, but most prefer white wine or foreign water from a bottle. Liberals like to drive Volvos and Saabs because they're made in socialist Sweden. They like to eat weird food because it's un-American. Your basic conservative vehicle, especially in Alaska, is the Chevy Suburban. It's big, it's American, it's four wheel drive, and it sucks up the gas.

Conservatives eat beef, which they (surprise!) like to barbecue.

Decorators are liberal. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule in baseball because it wasn't "fair" to make the poor pitcher take his turn at bat.

Conservatives, inspired by a remark of the legendary Pittsburgh Steeler linebacker Jack Lambert, believe quarterbacks should be required to wear skirts, so they can more easily be distinguished from real football players.

James Brown and Ray Charles are conservatives. Michael Jackson and Milli Vanilli are liberals.

Most social workers, personal injury lawyers, journalists, and group therapists are liberals. Most ranchers, loggers, professional soldiers, and steeplejacks are conservatives.

Liberal jurors distrust the prosecutors and police. Conservatives figure the defendant must be guilty or he wouldn't be on trial.

Most conservatives not only believe in the death penalty, they would cheerfully implement it, personally, if called upon to do so. Liberals think capital punishment is a barbaric relic, and unfair to boot.

Liberals believe Europeans are, generally speaking, far more enlightened than Americans. Conservatives think they're basically decadent, as evidenced by their complete absence in wars.

Typical conservative movies are "Raising Arizona," "Patton," and "Conan the Barbarian." Typical liberal movies are "Prince of Tides," "Last Tango in Paris," and "The Big Chill."

The quintessential liberal is the handicapper, the person who decides how much extra weight to saddle the faster horses with in order to make the race "fair." The American cowboy, of course, is your basic, full bore conservative. A hundred years ago an Englishman in South Dakota was trying to find the owner of a huge cattle ranch. He rode up to one of the ranch hands and asked, "Excuse me, but could you tell me where to find your Master?" To which the cowboy replied, "That sumbitch hasn't been born yet."

Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa.

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The Queen and President Bush were riding in a coach to Buckingham Palace ...

... discussing the difficulties in establishing order in Iraq when the left wheel horse lifted his tail and let loose a miasmic cloud of gas.

After several moments of embarrassed silence the Queen said, "Well. Mr. President, as you can see even the Queen can't control everything."

The President replied, "I appreciate that Your Majesty. But until you mentioned it I thought that horse had done it."

Submitted by Tom, Willow Pond Farm

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Suggested Bush/Cheney '04 bumper stickers from our friends at the Democratic Party ...
  • Bush/Cheney '04: Four More Wars!
  • Bush/Cheney '04: Assimilate. Resistance is Futile.
  • Bush/Cheney '04: Apocalypse Now!
  • Bush/Cheney '04: Because the truth just isn't good enough.
  • Bush/Cheney '04: Compassionate Colonialism
  • Bush/Cheney '04: Deja-voodoo all over again!
  • Bush/Cheney '04: Get used to it!
  • Bush/Cheney '04: Leave no billionaire behind
  • Bush/Cheney '04: Making the world a better place, one country at a time.
  • Bush/Cheney '04: Or Else.
  • Bush/Cheney '04: Over a billion Whoppers served.
  • Bush/Cheney '04: Putting the "con" in conservatism
  • Bush/Cheney '04: Thanks for not paying attention.
  • Bush/Cheney '04: The economy's stupid!
  • Bush/Cheney '04: The last vote you'll ever have to cast.
  • George W. Bush: Don't think. Vote Bush!
  • George W. Bush: A brainwave away from the presidency
  • George W. Bush: It takes a village idiot
  • George W. Bush: Leadership without a doubt
  • George W. Bush: The buck stops Over There
  • Vote Bush in '04: God Save the King!
  • Vote Bush in '04: "Because I'm the President, that's why!"
  • Vote Bush in '04: It's a no-brainer!

and Sr. Wink's favorite . . .

  • Bush/Cheney '04: This time, elect us!

Submitted by Sister Wink, Yonkers, NY.

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What is the truest definition of Globalization?

Answer: Princess Diana's death.

Question: How come?

Answer: An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whiskey, followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles, treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines! And this is sent to you by a Canadian, using Bill Gates' technology and you are probably reading this on one of the IBM clones that use Taiwanese-made chips, and Korean-made monitors, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by lorries driven by Indians, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen, trucked by Mexican illegal aliens, and finally sold to you. That, my friend, is Globalization.

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For those who are complaining about how long the war is taking but:
  • It took less time to take Iraq than it took Janet Reno to take the Branch Davidian compound. That was a 51-day operation.
  • It took less time to find evidence of chemical weapons in Iraq than it took Hillary Clinton to find the Rose Law Firm billing records.
  • It took less time for the 3rd Infantry Division and the Marines to destroy the Medina Republican Guard than it took Teddy Kennedy to call the police after his Oldsmobile sank at Chappaquiddick.
  • It took less time to take Iraq than it took to count the votes in Florida!!

Wow our military is GREAT

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, MD.

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Dan Rather, Jesse Jackson, Cokie Roberts, and a Marine were hiking through the jungle ...

... one day when they were captured by cannibals. They were tied up, led to the village and brought before the chief.

The chief said, "I am familiar with your western custom of granting the condemned a last wish. Before we kill and eat you, do you have any last requests?"

Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowlful of hot, spicy chili."

The chief nodded to an underling, who left and returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can die content."

Jesse Jackson said, "You know, the thing in this life I am proudest of is my work on behalf of the poor and oppressed. So before I go, I want to sing "We Shall Overcome" one last time."

The chief said, "Go right ahead, we're listening."

Jackson sang the song, and then said, "Now I can die in peace."

Cokie Roberts said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe someday someon will hear it and know that I was on the job 'til the end."

The chief directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder, and Roberts dictated some comments. She then said, "Now I can die happy."

The chief turned and said, "And now, Mr. Marine, what is your final wish?"

"Kick me in the ass," said the Marine.

"What?" said the chief. "Will you mock us in your last hour?"

"No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass," insisted the Marine.

So the chief shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the ass.

The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from his waistband, and shot the chief dead. In the resulting confusion, he leapt to his knapsack, pulled out his M4 carbine, and sprayed the cannibals with gunfire. In a flash, the cannibals were dead or fleeing for their lives.

As the Marine was untying the others, they asked him, "Why didn't you just shoot them? Why did you ask them to kick you in the ass?"

"What!?" said the Marine, "And have you liberals call ME the aggressor?!?"

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport. Md.

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The good news and the bad news for Saddam's doubles...

All eight of Saddam Hussein's body doubles were gathered in a bunker in downtown Baghdad.

Tariq Aziz, the Deputy Prime Minister, walked in and said, "I've got good news and bad news. The good news is that Saddam is still alive, so you all still have a job."

One of the doubles spoke up and said, "what's the bad news"?

"He's lost an arm."

Submitted by Michael

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Dear Abby: I am a crack dealer in New Jersey ..

... who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of the HIV virus. My parents live in a suburb of Philadelphia, is married to a transvestite. My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in.

I have two brothers. One is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in WellingtonBronx and is still a part time "working girl" in a brothel.

Her time there is limited as we hope to open our own brothel with her as the working manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, it would get them off the street, and hopefully, the heroin habits.

All thing considered, my main problem is this: I love my fiancée and look forward to bringing her into the family and I certainly want to be totally honest with her.

Should I tell her about my distant cousin who is French?

Signed, Worried About My Reputation

Submitted by Vicki, Downingtown, Pa.

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A friend of mine is an officer in the naval reserve.

A few weeks ago, He was attending a conference that included admirals in both the US and the French navies. At a cocktail reception, my friend found himself in a small group that included an admiral from each of the two navies.

The French admiral started complaining that whereas Europeans learned many languages, Americans only learned English. He then asked. "Why is it that we have to speak English in these conferences rather than you have to speak French?"

Without even hesitating, the American admiral replied. "Maybe it is because we arranged it so that you did not have to learn to speak German."

The group became silent.

Submitted by Mike, Broomfield, Co.

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A long time ago, Britain and France were at war.

During one battle, the French captured an English Major. Taking the Major to their headquarters, the French general began to question him.

The French general asked, "Why do you English officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?"

In his bland English way, the major informed the general that the reason English officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the blood won't show and the men they are leading won't panic.

And that is why from that day to now all French Army officers wear brown pants.

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