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Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil",...

...Libya, China and Syria today announced that they had formed the "Axis of Just as Evil", which they said would be more evil than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of in his State of the Union address.

Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new Axis as having, for starters, a really dumb name. "Right. They are just as evil . . . in their dreams!" declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il. "Everybody knows we're the best evils . . . best at being evil ......we're the best."

Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded, although they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil. "They told us it was full," said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad. "An axis can't have more than three countries", explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. "This is not my rule, it's tradition. In World War II you had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So, you can only have three, and a secret handshake. Ours is wickedly cool."

International reaction to Bush's Axis of Evil declaration was swift, as within minutes, France surrendered.

Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in what has become a game of geopolitical chairs. Cuba, Sudan and Serbia announced that they had formed the "Axis of Somewhat Evil", forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the "Axis of Occasionally Evil", while Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established the "Axis of Not So Much Evil. Really as Just Generally Disagreeable". With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up, Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the "Axis of Countries That Aren't the Worst But Certainly Won't Be Asked to Host the Olympics".

Canada, Mexico and Australia formed the "Axis of Nations That Are Quite Nice But Secretly Have Some Nasty Thoughts About America", while Scotland, New Zealand and Spain established the "Axis of Countries That Want Sheep to Wear Lipstick". "That's not a threat, really, just something we like to do", said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell.

While wondering if the other nations of the world weren't perhaps making fun of him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most axis, although he rejected the establishment of the "Axis of Countries Whose Names End in 'Guay", accusing one of its members of filing a false application. Officials from Paraguay, Uruguay, and Chadguay denied the charges.

Submitted by Vicki
 

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Have you noticed anything fishy about the inspection teams who have arrived in Iraq?

They're all men! How in the name of the United Nations does anyone expect men to find Saddam's stash? We all know that men have a blind spot when it comes to finding things. For crying' out loud! Men can't find the dirty clothes hamper. Men can't find the jar of jelly until it falls out of the cupboard and splatters on the floor - and these are the people we have sent into Iraq to search for hidden weapons of mass destruction?

I keep wondering why groups of mothers weren't sent in. Mothers can sniff out secrets quicker than a drug dog can find a gram of dope. Mothers can find gin bottles that dads have stashed in the attic beneath the rafters. They can sniff out a diary two rooms and one floor away. They can tell when the lid of a cookie jar has been disturbed and notice when a quarter inch slice has been shaved off a chocolate cake. A mother can smell alcohol on

your breath before you get your key in the front door and can smell cigarette smoke from a block away. By examining laundry, a mother knows more about their kids than Sherlock Holmes. And if a mother wants an answer to question, she can read an offender's eyes quicker than a homicide detective. So, considering the value a mother could bring to an inspection team, why are we sending a bunch of old men who will rely on electronic equipment to scout out hidden threats?

My mother would walk in with a wooden soup spoon in one hand, grab Saddam by the ear, give it a good twist and snap, "Young man, do you have any weapons of mass destruction?" And God help him if he tried to lie to her. She'd march him down the street to some secret bunker and shove his nose into a nuclear bomb and say, "Uh, huh, and what do you call this, mister?" Whap! Thump! Whap! Whap! Whap! And she'd lay some stripes across his bare bottom with that soup spoon, then march him home in front of the whole of Baghdad. He'd not only come clean and apologize for lying about it but he'd cut every lawn in Baghdad for free for the whole damn summer.

Inspectors my ass - You want the job done? Call my mother!

Submitted by Andy
 

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In an effort to avert war, Bush travels to Baghdad to negotiate with Saddam.

As George sits down he notices that Saddam's chair has three red buttons on one arm. After a few minutes of talking Saddam pushes one of the buttons and a boxing glove pops out of a compartment in the desk and punches George on the nose, Saddam laughs loudly and George continues trying to negotiate.

After another couple of minutes Saddam pushes a second button and a boot swings out and kicks George on the shin, he grimaces and Saddam laughs even louder.

Finally Saddam pushes the third button and a boot kicks George in the balls, Saddam laughs hysterically and George has had enough.

'Ok that's it, Iím going home. We will continue these talks in two weeks time in Washington.'

Two weeks later Saddam arrives to talk to George, he notices three red buttons on George's chair arm and expects to be repaid for his treatment of the US President.

After a few minutes George pushes a button and Saddam leaps out of his chair but nothing happens and George giggles.

After a minute or two George pushes the second button and once again Saddam throws himself out of the chair but again nothing happens and Bush giggles even louder.

Finally, George pushes the third button and once again Saddam expects to be hit by something and leaps from the chair but nothing happens.

Saddam is fuming as Bush rolls around the floor giggling like a maniac.

'I've had enough of this, I'm going back to Baghdad.'

Bush wipes the tears from his eyes and says through his giggles. 'What Baghdad?'

Submitted by Michael
 

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What the newspapers you read say about you
  • The London Financial Times is read by people who run the world.
  • The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
  • The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.
  • The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country, and who are very good at crosswords.
  • USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand the Washington Post. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts.
  • The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could spare the time, and if they didn't have to leave LA to do it.
  • The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and they did a far superior job of it, thank you very much.
  • The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country, and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.
  • The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country, as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.
  • The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country or that anyone is running it; but whoever it is, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority feminist atheist dwarfs, who also happen to be illegal aliens from any country or galaxy as long as they are Democrats.
  • The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but need the baseball scores.
  • The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.

Submitted by Don, Middletown, Md.
 

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The Complete Military History of France
  • Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian (Julius Caesar).
  • Hundred Years War - Mostly lost. Saved at last moment by schizophrenic teenaged girl, who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare: "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."
  • Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars to the Italians.
  • Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots
  • Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.
  • War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.
  • The Dutch War - Tied
  • War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War - Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.
  • War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.
  • American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare: "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."
  • French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.
  • The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.
  • The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.
  • World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.
  • World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.
  • War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu
  • Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.
  • War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador, fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, Pa.
 

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A plane with 4 passengers is about to crash, but has only 3 parachutes.

The first passenger said, "I'm Kobe Bryant, the best NBA basketball player. The Lakers need me, I can't afford to die." So he took the first parachute and left the plane.

The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, said, "I am the wife of the former President of the United States. I am the most ambitious woman in the world. I am also a New York Senator, a potential future President and, above all, the smartest woman in the world." She grabbed the second parachute and jumped out of the plane.

The third passenger, Rev. Billy Graham, says to the fourth passenger, a 10 year-old school boy, "I am old and I don't have many years left. As a Christian I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."

The boy said, "It's ok, there's still a parachute left for you. America's smartest woman just took my school backpack."

Submitted by Cindy, Emmitsburg, Md.
 

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Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all...

They sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dogfight. They would have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.

Osama found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk.

After 5 years, they came up with the biggest, meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were 5" thick and nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the dogfight, Bush showed up with a strange looking animal. It was a 9 foot long Dachshund.

Everyone felt sorry for Bush because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the Afghan dog.

When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of its cage and slowly waddled over towards Osama's dog. Osama's dog snarled and leaped out of it's cage and charged the American Dachshund----but when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened it's mouth and consumed Osama's dog in one bite.

There was nothing left at all, of his dog.

Osama came up to Bush, shaking his head in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for 5 years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves."

"That's nothing," said Bush. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for 5 years to make that alligator look like a weenie dog."

Submitted by Debbie
 

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Senator Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening ...

... when an old cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it, but couldn't, and the old cow was killed.

Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what happened. She stayed in the car making phone calls to lobbyists. About an hour later, the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a bottle of expensive wine in one hand, an expensive Cuban cigar in the other.

"What happened?" asked Hillary. "Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar"

"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary.

The driver replied, "I said 'I'm Hillary Clinton's driver, and I just killed the old cow.

Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, Pa.
 

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The following are actual stories provided by a retiring Washington, DC travel agent of 30+ years:
  • I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat on the airplane so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
     
  • I got a call from a Candidate's Staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response ...(click).
     
  • A Senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map, and Florida is a very thin state!!!"
     
  • I got a call from a Lawmakers Wife who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." She said, "But they look so close on the map."
     
  • An Aide for a Bush cabinet member once called and asked if they could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed they had only a one-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between the gates to save time."
     
  • An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!
     
  • A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight, I think that is very rude!" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT), and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
     
  • A Senator's Aide called in inquiring about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
     
  • I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."
     
  • A Lady Senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, FL. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?" I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever!!"
     
  • A Senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!"
     
  • A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York." The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent asked: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the lady. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere." The lady retorted, "Oh don't be silly!
    Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal", she admitted!!!

Now you know why government is in the shape that it's in!

Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, PA
 

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On a tour through America, president George Bush visits a school to explain his policies.

After that he invites the children to ask him questions.

Little Bob starts: "Mr. President, I have three questions:

  1. How did you win the elections despite the fact that you had fewer votes than your opponent?
  2. Why do you want to attack Iraq without any reason?
  3. Don't you think that the Hiroshima bomb was the biggest terrorist act in history?"

In this moment the bell rings, so all the children run out of the classroom. After they come back from their pause, president Bush invites them again to ask some questions.

Now Joey starts to ask: "Mr. President, I have five questions:

  1. How did you win the elections despite the fact that you had fewer votes than your opponent?
  2. Why do you want to attack Iraq without any reason?
  3. Don't you think that the Hiroshima bomb was the biggest terrorist act in history?
  4. Why did the bell ring 20 minutes earlier today?
  5. Where is Bob?"

 

 

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Have a few laughs with some classic George W. Bush quotes!
  • "The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country."
  • "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
  • "One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'."
  • "I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."
  • "The future will be better tomorrow."
  • "We're going to have the best educated American people in the world."
  • "We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."
  • "Public speaking is very easy."
  • "A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
  • "We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
  • "For NASA, space is still a high priority."
  • "Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
  • "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
  • "It's time for the human race to enter the solar system."
  • "I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."

Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, Pa.
 

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Democrat vs. Republican In terms most of us can understand.

There was a young teenage girl that was about to finish her first year of college. She considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat and her father was a rather staunch conservative Republican. One day she was challenging her father on his beliefs and his opposition to programs like welfare, a large benevolent government, and rich-to-poor tax equalization.

He stopped her and asked her how she was doing in school. She answered that she had a 4.0 GPA but it was really tough. She had to study all the time, never had time to go out and party and often went sleepless because all of the studying. She didn't have time for a boyfriend and didn't really have many college friends because of all her studying.

He then asked how her friend Mary, that was attending the same college, was doing. She replied that she was barely getting by. She had a 2.0 GPA, never studied, was very popular on campus and was at parties all the time. She often wouldn't show up for classes because she was hung over.

He then asked his daughter why she didn't go to the Dean's office and ask why she couldn't take 1.0 off her 4.0 and give it to her friend that only had a 2.0. That way they would both have a 3.0 GPA. She fired back and said "that wouldn't be fair, I worked really hard for mine and my friend has done nothing".

After a moment of silence, she replied, "I guess I will never vote Democrat again."

Submitted by Lisa, Libertytown, Md.
 

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A research institution announced the discovery of the heaviest element known to science.

The new element has been tentatively named "Governmentium ". Governmentium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 11 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of governmentium causes one reaction to take over 4 days to complete when it would normally take less than a second.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 3 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization causes some morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to speculate that governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration.

This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass."

Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, Pa.
  

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In the long standing White House Thanksgiving tradition ...

... President Bush pardoned a turkey today.

This year, the Presidential pardon was granted to Bill Clinton.

Submitted by Marianne, Columbia, Md.
 

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An Israeli doctor says "Medicine in my country is so advanced ...

... that we can take a kidney out of one man put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks".

A German doctor says, "That's nothing, we can take a lung out of one person put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks.

A Russian doctor says, "In my country medicine is so advanced we can take half a heart out of one person put it in another and have them both looking for work in two weeks."

The American doctor, not to be outdone, says, "You guys are way behind, we just took a man with no brain out of Texas, put him in the White House, and now half the country is looking for work.

Submitted by Larry, Greenfield, OH.
 

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