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My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for . . .

. . .Then I noticed women coming up to me (sniff) 'Married' (walk off). That's how they mark their territory. You can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.

  • On Cripes:

My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes'. 'For Cripe's sake.' Who would that be, Jesus Cripe's? The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?

  • On Pregnancy:

It's weird when pregnant women feel the baby kicking. They say, 'Oh my. He's kicking. Do you wanna feel it?' I always feel awkward reaching over there. Come on! It's weird to ask someone to feel your stomach. I don't do that when I have gas. "Oh my ...give me your hand...It won't be long now..."

  • On Grandma:

My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.

  • On Prisons:

Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks a piece I'll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator.

  • On Phone-In-Polls:

You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% that say "I don't know." It costs 90 cents to call up and vote... They're voting "I don't know." "Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Into Phone) I DON'T KNOW!" (Hangs up looking proud.) "Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about."

  • On Answering Machines: 

Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? 

"Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is 'Share the love.' Beep." "Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling.... Speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love."

Submitted by Kate, San Francisco, Calif.

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Handy Conversions Factors
  • Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi
  • 2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton
  • 1 millionth of a mouthwash: 1 microscope
  • Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1 bananosecond
  • Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram
  • Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour: Knot-furlong
  • 365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling: 1 lite year
  • 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Serling
  • Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon
  • 1000 aches: 1 megahurtz
  • Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower
  • Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line
  • A Half-Bath: 1 demijohn
  • 453.6 graham crackers: 1 pound cake
  • Given the old adage "a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single
  • step," the first step of a one-mile journey: 1 Milwaukee
  • 1 million microphones: 1 phone
  • 1 million-million microphones: 1 megaphone
  • 1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles
  • 365.25 days: 1 unicycle
  • 2000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds
  • 10 cards: 1 decacards
  • 1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton
  • 1000 grams of wet socks: 1 literhosen
  • 1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche
  • 1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin
  • 10 rations: 1 decoration
  • 100 rations: 1 C-ration
  • 2 monograms: 1 diagram
  • 8 nickels: 2 paradigms
  • 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University
  • Hospital: 1 I.V. League
  • 100 Senators: Not 1 decision

Submitted by Kate, San Francesco, Calif.

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Crossbreeding has brought some new & different canines into being...
  • Collie x Lhasa Apso = Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport for those on the go alot.
  • Spitz x Chow = Spitzchow , a dog that throws up a lot (not one of the successful crosses).
  • Pointer x Setter = Poinsetter, the perfect Christmas gift puppy.
  • Great Pyrenees x Dachsund= Pyredachs, a most puzzling breed.
  • Pekinese x Lhasa Apso = Peekassa, a creative but avante garde, abstract dog.
  • Rotweiller x Rat Terrier = Ratweiler, the baddest big little dog in town.
  • Labrador Retriever x Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat retriever, the obvious choice of medical types & scientists.
  • Newfoundland x Basset Hound = Newfound Asset hounds, a wise investment for financial advisors.
  • Terrier x Bulldog = Terribull , a dog that makes some awful choices (another failed experiment).
  • Bloodhound x Labrador = Blabador, a dog that bark a lot...not for apartment dwellers.
  • Malamute x Pointer = Mootpoint.
  • Collie x Malamute = Commute, a dog that will take you to work the old fashioned way...Mush.
  • Deerhound x Terrier = Derriere, this one is loyal to the end.
  • Borzoi x Dachsund = Bordasher, the latest craze in ski-slope companions.
  • And lastly: Schnauzer x Australian Shepherd= Natural affinity for beer, charming - knows how to work a crowd and has a great accent.

Submitted by Ann Marie, Olney Valley, Pa.

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"CORPUS CHRISTI" is, as most know, old Latin for "Body of Christ". We have received a list of new Latin phrases, "ex quo" (from which):
  • "Domino vobiscum!" (The Pizza guy is here.)
  • "Revelare Pecunia!" (Show me the money!)
  • "Motorolus interruptus." (Hold on, I'm going into a tunnel.)
  • "Sic semper tyrannus." (Your dinosaur is alway ill.)
  • "Bodicus mutilatus, unemploymi ad infinitum" (Better take the nose ring out before the job interview)
  • "Nucleo predicus dispella conducticus" (Remove foil before microwaving)
  • "Veni, vidi, velcro" (I came, I saw, I stuck around.)
  • "Et tu, pluribus unum?" (Did the government just stab me in the back?.)
  • I also received a sweat shirt for Christmas scripted with this announcement on its front: "SI HOC LEGERE SCIS NIMIUM ERUDTIONIS HABES" (If you can read this, you have too much education)

Submitted by Jean, Emmitsburg, Md.

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Deep thoughts from comedian Steven Wright 
  • A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a Train stops On my desk, I have a work station. 
  • If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
  • If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?
  • Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
  • What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
  • Should women put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans?
  • I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me...they were cramming for their finals...
  • I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks, so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?
  • Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?
  • How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?
  • If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?
  • Clones are people two.
  • If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
  • If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
  • Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
  • If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
  • If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
  • I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."
  • So what's the speed of dark?
  • After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?
  • Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
  • If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
  • I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
  • Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
  • Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
  • Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
  • Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
  • Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
  • How come abbreviated is such a long word?

Submitted by Mary, from UVA in Charlottesville, Va.

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What your selection of newspaper say's about you:
  • The London Financial Time is read by the people who run the world.
  • The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
  • The New York Times is read by people who think they run the country.
  • The Washington Post is read by people who think they ought to run the country.
  • USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't understand the Washington Post.
  • The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could spare the time.
  • The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country.
  • The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country.
  • The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country, as long as they do something scandalous.
  • The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country, or that anyone is running it.
  • The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country.

Submitted by Larry, Bethesda, Md.

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Oath to My Friend
  • When you are sad . . . I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the scum sucking weasel who made you sad.
  • When you are scared . . . I will laugh at you and tease you about it every chance I get.
  • When you are worried, . . . I will tell you how much worse it could be and to quit complaining.
  • When you are confused . . . I will use little words to explain it to you.
  • When you are lost . . . I will answer my cell phone and give you directions.
  • When you are sick . . . I will hold your hair while you pay homage to the porcelain
  • god.
  • And when you fall . . . I will point and laugh at you.

This is my oath . . . I pledge till the end. Why you may ask? Because you're my friend. And the whole reason people have friends is to have fun.

Submitted by Paul, Middleburg, Va.

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Baby Boomers relate : The '60s vs. the '90s.

Then: Long hair.
Now: Longing for hair.

Then: The perfect high.
Now: The perfect high-yield mutual fund.

Then: Keg.
Now: EKG.

Then: Acid Rock.
Now: Acid reflux.

Then: Moving to California because it's cool.
Now: Moving to California because it's warm.

Then: Growing pot.
Now: Growing pot belly.

Then: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents.
Now: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your children.

Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
Now: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or ElizabethTaylor.

Then: Seeds and stems.
Now: Roughage.

Then: Popping pills, smoking joints.
Now: Popping joints.

Then: The president's struggle with Fidel.
Now: The president's struggle with fidelity.

Then: Killer weed.
Now: Weed killer.

Then: Hoping for a BMW.
Now: Hoping for a BM.

Then: The Grateful Dead.
Now: Dr. Kevorkian.

Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint.
Now: Getting a new hip joint.

Then: Rolling Stones.
Now: Kidney stones.

Then: Being called into the principal's office.
Now: Calling the principal's office.

Then: Screw the system!
Now: Upgrade the system.

Then: Peace sign.
Now: Mercedes logo.

Then: Parents begging you to get your hair cut.
Now: Children begging you to get their heads shaved.

Then: Take acid.
Now: Take antacid.

Then: Passing the driver's test.
Now: Passing the vision test.

Then: "Whatever"
Now: "Depends"

Submitted by Paul, Middleburg, Va.

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George Carlinisms - How come wrong numbers are never busy?
  • Do people in Australia call the rest of the world 'up over'?
  • Does that screwdriver belong to Phillip?
  • Can a stupid person be a smart-ass?
  • Does killing time damage eternity?
  • Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
  • Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
  • Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
  • Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
  • Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
  • Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
  • Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors?
  • Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn-shop?
  • Day light savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?
  • Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
  • Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?
  • Do pilots take crash-courses?
  • Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
  • Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?
  • Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
  • Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
  • Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?
  • How can there be self-help "groups"?
  • How do you get off a non-stop flight?
  • How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
  • How many weeks are there in a light year?
  • If a candle factory burns down, does everyone just stand around and sing "Happy Birthday?"
  • If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his walkman?
  • If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?
  • If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?
  • If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
  • If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them?
  • If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl
  • Scout cookies made out of?
  • If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?
  • If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do?
  • If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?
  • If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
  • If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?
  • If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?
  • If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
  • Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?
  • Why do they call it 'chili' if it's hot?
  • Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game," when we are already there?
    Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Submitted by Paul, Middleburg, Va.

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Toys around the world
  • Capitalism - He who dies with the most toys, wins.
  • Hari Krishna - He who plays with the most toys, wins.
  • Judaism - He who buys toys at the lowest price, wins.
  • Catholicism - He who denies himself the most toys, wins.
  • Anglican - They were our toys first.
  • Greek Orthodox - No, they were OURS first.
  • Branch Davidians - He who dies playing with the biggest toys, wins.
  • Mormonism - Every boy may have as many toys as he wants.
  • 7th Day Adventist - He who plays with his toys on Saturday, loses.
  • Church of Christ - He whose toys make music, loses.
  • Amish - Toys with batteries are surely a sin.
  • Baptist - Once played always played.
  • Church of Christ, Scientist - We are the toys.
  • Jehovah's Witnesses - He who "places" the most toys door-to-door, wins.
  • Pentecostalism - He whose toys can talk, wins.
  • Non-denominationalism - Does it really matter where the toys came from?
  • Communism - Everyone gets the same number of toys.
  • Confucianism - Once a toy is dipped in water, it is no longer dry.
  • Voodoo - Let me borrow that doll for a second...
  • Hedonsim - Hang the rule book! Let's play!
  • Atheism - There is no toy maker.
  • Polytheism - There are many toy makers.
  • Evolutionism - The toys made themselves.
  • Existentialism - Toys are a figment of your imagination.
  • Baha'i - All toys are just fine with us.
  • Taoism - The doll is as important as the dump truck.

Submitted by Marianne, Columbia, Md.

Go to page 8 of Humorous Saying

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