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More 'George Carlinisms'
  • How come wrong numbers are never busy?
  • Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"?
  • Does that screwdriver belong to Philip?
  • Does killing time damage eternity?
  • Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
  • Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
  • Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
  • Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
  • Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
  • Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors?
  • Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawnshop?
  • Daylight savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?
  • Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
  • Do pilots take crash-courses?
  • Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
  • How can there be self-help "groups"?
  • How do you get on or off a nonstop flight?
  • How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
  • If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?
  • If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?
  • If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?
  • If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
  • If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made out of?
  • If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do?
  • If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?
  • If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
  • If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?
  • If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
  • Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?
  • Why do they call it "chili" if it's hot?
  • Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game," when we are already there?
  • Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Submitted by Marianne, Columbia, Md.

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Humorous insights on what makes a really good teacher - Dedicated to a one really good teacher: Kitty

Real Teachers:

  • Buy Excedrin and Advil in bulk at Sam's.
  • Will eat anything left in the teacher's lounge.
  • Grade papers in the car, during commercials, in faculty meetings, in the bathroom, and at the end of nine weeks have even been seen grading in church.
  • Cheer when they hear that April 1st does not fall on a school day
  • Drive older cars owned by credit unions.
  • Can't walk past a crowd of kids without straightening up the line.
  • Never sit down without first checking the seat of the chair.
  • Have disjointed necks from writing on boards without turning around.
  • Are written up in medical journals for the size and elasticity of their bladders and kidneys.
  • Wear glasses from trying to read the fine print in the teacher's manuals.
  • Have been timed gulping down lunch in 2 minutes 18 seconds.
  • Master teachers can eat faster than that.
  • Can predict exactly which parents show up at open house.
  • Never teach the conjugations of "lie" and "lay" to eighth graders.
  • Know it is better to seek forgiveness than to ask for permission.
  • Know that the best end of semester lesson plans come from Blockbuster.
  • Know the shortest distance and length of travel time to the front office.
  • Can "sense" gum.
  • Know the difference between what ought to be graded, what should be graded, and what should never see the light of day.
  • Know that the first class disruption they see is probably the second one that occurred.
  • Have never heard an original excuse.
  • Know better than to plan discussions or cooperative groups for last period during an observation.
  • Know that secretaries and custodians really run the school.
  • Know that rules do not apply to them.
  • Give themselves away in public because of the Vis-a-vis marker smudges all over their hands
  • Know that dogs are carnivores and not "homework paperavores."
  • Know that happy hour does indeed begin on Friday afternoons.
  • Do not take "no" for an answer unless it is written in a complete sentence.
  • Know the value of a good education and are appalled upon seeing their paychecks.
  • Have wonderful daughter's.


  • Hear the heartbeats of crisis; always have time to listen; know they teach students, not subjects; and they are absolutely non-expendable.

Submitted By ‘Sister’ Wink, New York, NY.

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Quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers:
  • "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (This was the winning quote from Fredrick Dales at Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA.)
  • "What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter." (Lykes Lines Shipping)
  • "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business." (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)
  • "This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it." (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)
  • "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule.
  • "No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them." (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)
  • "My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected." (CIO of Dell Computers)
  • "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)
  • My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)
  • "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)
  • We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the memo mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)
  • One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards)
  • As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo in one of the sentences I mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director's office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for perverts (pedophiles?) working in her company. Finally, he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired-and the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words, which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation) 

Submitted by Wink, Brooklyn, New York

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Top Ten Times In History when using the "F" word was appropriate.
  1. "What the *&%# was that?" - Mayor of Hiroshima
  2. "Where did all these *&%#ing Indians come from?" - Custer
  3. "Any *&%#ing idiot could understand that." - Einstein
  4. "It does SO *&%#ing look like her!" - Picasso
  5. "How the *&%# did you work that out?" - Pythagorus
  6. "You want WHAT on the *&%#ing ceiling?" - Michaelangelo
  7. "I don't suppose it's gonna *&%#ing rain." - Joan of Arc
  8. "Scattered *&%#ing ass!" - Noah
  9. "I need this parade like I need a *&%#ing hole in my head!" -JFK

And the Number One Time ...

  1. Ah, come on. Who the *&%# is gonna find out? - Bill Clinton

Submitted by Tom, Willow Pond Farm, Fairfield, Pa.

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Things To Ponder for 2001
  • Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
  • Birthdays are good for you: the more you have the longer you live.
  • How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
  • I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier than the people who have to wait for them.
  • If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
  • Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us.
  • If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing in the store is free yet?
  • You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person. Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
  • Don't cry because its over; smile because it happened.
  • We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors, but they all have to learn to live in the same box.
  • Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
  • A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
  • Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.

Submitted by Vicki, Kennett Square, Pa.

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The World's Thinnest Books . . .
  • Beauty Secrets by Janet Reno
  • Home Built Airplanes by John Denver
  • How to Get to the Super Bowl by Dan Marino
  • Things I Love about Bill by Hillary Clinton
  • My Life's Memories by Ronald Reagan
  • Things I Can't Afford by Bill Gates
  • Things I Would Not Do for Money - by Dennis Rodman
  • The Wild Years - by Al Gore
  • Amelia Earhart 's Guide to the Pacific Ocean
  • America's Most Popular Lawyers
  • Detroit - a Travel Guide Dr. Kevorkian 's
  • Collection of Motivational Speeches
  • Everything Men Know about Women
  • Everything Women Know about Men
  • All the Men I've Loved Before - by Ellen Degeneres
  • Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette
  • Spotted Owl Recipes - by the Sierra Club
  • The Amish Phone Directory
  • My Plan to Find the Real Killers - by O. J. Simpson
  • My Book of Morals - by Bill Clinton

Submitted by Bill, Narberth , Pa.   

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More life's insights for the famous and not so famous.
  • "I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms." - Michael Flatley (lead Riverdancer)
  • (On the difference between men and women:) "On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars." - Bruce Willis
  • "And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me.
  • And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan.'" - George Burns
  • "What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'" - Sandra Bullock
  • "The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire' and the computer will ask, 'Specify type of goat.'" -Jason Alexander (from Seinfeld)
  • "Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die." -Carmen Boyle (Olympic Luge Gold Medal winner 1996)
  • "There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do." - Henry Kissenger (former US Secretary of State)
  • "My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the natural enemy of a tightrope walker." - Dan Rather (News anchorman)
  • "I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'" - Arnold Schwarzenegger
  • "Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in." - Courtney Cox (Monica on "Friends")
  • "Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." - Tiger Woods
  • "I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves." - Jerry Garcia (Grateful Dead)
  • "I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot." - Axel Rose (Guns'n'Roses)
  • "Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master." - Rev. Jesse Jackson
  • "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." - Jack Nicholson

Submitted by Kate, San Francisco, Calif.

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Great Truths about Life That Adults Have Learned
  • Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
  • There is always a lot to be thankful for, if you take the time to look. For example, I'm sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
  • One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
  • Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due.
  • The best way to keep kids at home is to make a pleasant atmosphere - and let the air out of their tires.
  • Families are like fudge . . . mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
  • Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
  • Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
  • My mind not only wanders; sometimes it leaves completely.
  • If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.

Submitted by Jean, Spokane, Wa.

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Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
  • I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.
  • I'm in shape................ Round is a shape.
  • I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
  • Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
  • I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
  • Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
  • Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac.
  • You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.
  • I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
  • One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you!
  • They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.
  • A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said "I didn't know there were any witnesses, now I have to kill you too!"
  • Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library and the Bill Clinton Adult Book Store.

Submitted by Bethany, Myersville, Md.

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Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
  • Why is it that to stop Windows 95, you have to click on "Start"?
  • Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?
  • Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
  • Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
  • Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
  • Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
  • Why is a boxing ring square?
  • Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
  • Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
  • Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
  • Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn
  • down the volume on the radio?
  • Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid
  • made with real lemons?
  • Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
  • Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
  • Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
  • Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary?
  • Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?
  • Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
  • You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes?
  • Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
  • Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
  • Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

Submitted by Jean, Spokane, Wa.

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Groucho Marx was a master at delivering one-liners . . . 
  • How do you feel about women's rights ? I like either side of them.
  • Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies.
  • Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.
  • Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet!
  • Mrs. Teasdale: He's had a change of heart. [Groucho]: A lot of good that'll do him. He's still got the same face.
  • I sent the club a wire stating, Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.
  • Send two dozen roses to Room 424 and put 'Emily, I love you' on the back of the bill.
  • I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
  • A man is as young as the woman he feels.
  • Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
  • I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions-the curtain was up.
  • Now there's a man with an open mind - you can feel the breeze from here!
  • There's one way to find out if a man is honest-ask him. If he says 'yes,' you know he is a crook.
  • To Margret Dumont: "I can see you and I married. I can see you bending over the stove. I can't see the stove!
  • Dig trenches? With our men being killed off like flies? There isn't time to dig trenches. We'll have to buy them ready made.
  • I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
  • Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
  • I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
  • Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
  • The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing..if you can fake that, you've got it made.
  • Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
  • Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
  • She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
  • I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
  • Remember men you are fighting for the ladies honor, which is probably more than she ever did.
  • Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.
  • Last night I shot an elephant in my Pajamas and how he got in my pajamas I'll never know.
  • We took pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed. . . But we're going back next week.
  • Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does.
  • A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
  • I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
  • I've been around so long, I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin.
  • Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.

Submitted by Kevin, Dallas, Tx.

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Only In America can a pizza arrive at your house faster than an ambulance . . .
  • Do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back counter to get their prescriptions, while healthy people can buy their cigarettes at the front.
  • Do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a Diet Coke.
  • Do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
  • Do we leave our cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
  • Do we use answering machines to screen our calls, then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
  • Do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
  • Do we use the word politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures".
  • Do they have drive-up ATM's with Braille lettering.

Moral to all this: Never be afraid to try something new. Remember amateurs built the Ark. Professionals built the Titanic.

Submitted by Robin, New Market, England

Go to page 9 of Humorous Saying

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