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Notice to all EMS Personnel . . .

From: Chief of Operations
Subject: Proper Narrative Descriptions

It has come to our attention from several emergency rooms that many EMS narratives have taken a decidedly creative direction lately. Effective immediately, all members are to refrain from using slang and abbreviations to describe patients, such as the following.

  1. Cardiac patients should not be referred to as suffering from MUH (messed up heart), PBS (pretty bad shape), PCL (pre-code looking) or HIBGIA (had it before, got it again).
  2. Stroke patients are NOT "Charlie Carrots." Nor are rescuers to use CCFCCP(Coo Coo for Cocoa Puffs) to describe their mental state.
  3. Trauma patients are not CATS (cut all to sh*t), FDGB (fall down, go boom), TBC (total body crunch) or "hamburger helper." Similarly, descriptions of a car crash do not have to include phrases like "negative vehicle to vehicle interface" or "terminal deceleration syndrome."
  4. HAZMAT teams are highly trained professionals, not "glow worms."
  5. Persons with altered mental states as a result of drug use are not considered "pharmaceutically gifted."
  6. Gunshot wounds to the head are not "trans-occipital implants."
  7. The homeless are not "urban outdoorsmen," nor is endotracheal intubation referred to as a "PVC Challenge."
  8. And finally, do not refer to recently deceased persons as being "paws up," ART (assuming room temperature), CC (Cancel Christmas), CTD (circling the drain), DRT (dead right there) or NLPR (no long playing records).

I know you will all join me in respecting the cultural diversity of our patients to include their medical orientations in creating proper narratives and log entries.

Submitted by Tim, Somewhere in Ohio

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More Famous Quotes
  • Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever." --- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest
  • "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --- Mariah Carey
  • "Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are." --- Matt Lauer on NBC's Today Show, August 22
  • "I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law." --- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.
  • "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." --- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign.
  • "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." --- Winston Bennett, Univ. of KY basketball forward
  • "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." --- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC
  • "We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees." --- Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks
  • "I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." --- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.
  • "China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese." --- Former French President Charles De Gaulle
  • "That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it." --- A Congressional Candidate in Texas
  • "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." --- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
  • "Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind." --- General William Westmoreland

And last but not least-a parting word from Dan Quayle:

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."

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Top ten list of things to do to prepare for the ski season: (And to remind non-skiers why they do not ski.)
  1. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.
  2. Go to the nearest hockey rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car.
  3. For ski boot simulation at home, put a pebble in your street shoes and tighten a C-clamp around your toes.
  4. Buy a pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.
  5. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $6.50 for a hamburger. Be sure to wait in the longest line.
  6. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.
  7. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18 wheeler.
  8. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. You'd almost believe you're skiing in front of a snowmaker!
  9. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.
  10. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday. 

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More Bumper Stickers we all would like to have:
  • If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
  • 100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest?
  • Your gene pool needs a little chlorine.
  • You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you
  • Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
  • You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT
  • Forget world peace. visualize using your turn signal.
  • My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom
  • Grow your own dope, plant a man
  • All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets
  • Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
  • I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
  • WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
  • The more you complain, the longer God makes you lie.
  • Out of my mind...Back in fie minutes
  • Hang up and drive.
  • If you can read this, please flip me back over... (seen upside down, on a Jeep)
  • Please tell your pants it's not polite to point.
  • GUYS: No shirt, no service. GALS: No shirt, no charge.
  • Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings"
  • Heart Attacks...God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends
  • Boldly going nowhere
  • Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.
  • Try not to let your mind wander. It is too small to be out by itself.
  • Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
  • Just because your head is pointed, doesn't mean you're sharp.
  • Some people just don't know how to drive.
  • I call these people "Everybody But Me".
  • Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.
  • Drier legally blond.

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People that make dirt look smart
  • I went to McDonald's. I looked at the menu and saw that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half-dozen nuggets. "We don't have a half-dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half-dozen nuggets but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.
  • A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they asked for a credit card number, so she's using the ATM "thingy".
  • I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenient store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries it's a long walk."
  • Several years ago, we had an intern who was none too swift. One day, he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told him. With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.
  • I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.
  • My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

Submitted by Mike, Broomfield, Co.

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Lest we forget how difficult it is to master the English language, consider this list, collected by Air France employees, of signs from around the world:
  • TOKYO HOTEL: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing, is please not to read notice.
  • BUCHAREST (ROMANIA) HOTEL: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
  • LEIPZIG (GERMANY) ELEVATOR: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.
  • BELGRADE (YUGOSLAVIA) ELEVATOR: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.
  • PARIS HOTEL ELEVATOR: Please leave your values at the front desk.
  • ATHENS (GREECE) HOTEL: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 a.m. daily.
  • YUGOSLAVIAN HOTEL: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
  • JAPANESE HOTEL: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
  • MOSCOW (RUSSIA) HOTEL: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
  • SWISS MENU: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
  • AUSTRIAN SKI LODGE: Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.
  • POLISH MENU: Salad a dirm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck 1st loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.
  • HONG KONG TAILOR SHOP: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
  • BANGKOK DRY CLEANERS: Drop your trousers here for best results.
  • PARIS DRESS SHOP: Dresses for street walking.
  • RHODES TAILOR SHOP: Order your summer suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.
  • SOVIET NEWSPAPER: There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past 2 years.
  • GERMAN CAMPING SITE: It is strictly forbidden on our Black Forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.
  • HONG KONG AD: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.
  • ROME LAUNDRY: Ladies, leave your clothes here, and spend the afternoon having a good time.
  • CZECH TOURIST AGENCY: Take one of our horse-driven city tours. We guarantee no miscarriages.
  • SWISS MOUNTAIN INN: Special today - no ice cream.
  • COPENHAGEN AIRLINE: We take your bags and send them in all directions.
  • MOSCOW HOTEL: If this is your first visit to U.S.S.R., you are welcome to it.
  • NORWEGIAN LOUNGE: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
  • BUDAPEST ZOO: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
  • ROMAN DOCTOR: Specialist in women and other diseases.
  • CAPULCO HOTEL: The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
  • TOKYO GIFT SHOP: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.
  • JAPANESE HOTEL: Colles and heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.
  • TOKYO CAR RENTAL FIRM: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.
  • MAJORCAN SHOP: English well talking. Here speeching American.

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The day Hell actually froze over

If you take US-23 to Michigan exit 54, drive through Pinkney, and follow the signs, you'll wind up in Hell. In the winter of 1980, the earthen dam in Hell sprung a leak and flooded the town. And then the temperature dropped to 20 degrees Fahrenheit. Hell froze over.

The newsman on WCRZ radio (107.9 FM) announced the leak, flood, and temperature one right after the other, but failed to reach the obvious conclusion. The Detroit newspaper carried a single paragraph about it buried deep inside.

Everybody who has promised to do something "when Hell freezes over" is still safe because it happened and nobody took notice!

Submitted by Robin, New Market, England

Go to page 7 of Humorous Saying

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