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Oh, how we love words. These are some... strange definitions.

Read them slowly... some may take a second or two to sink in.

  • EYEDROPPER: A clumsy ophthalmologist.
  • HEROES: What a guy in a boat does.
  • LEFT BANK: What the robber did when his bag was full of money.
  • MISTY: How golfers create divots.
  • PARADOX: Two physicians.
  • PARASITES: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
  • PHARMACIST: A helper on the farm.
  • POLARIZE: What penguins see with.
  • PRIMATE: Removing your spouse from the couch in front of the TV.
  • RELIEF: What trees do in the spring.
  • RUBBERNECK: What you do to relax your wife.
  • SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does.

And our favorite:

  • SUDAFED: Litigation brought against a government official

Submitted by Bob, Rockville, Md

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More humorous observations on life
  • Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
  • Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
  • The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
  • I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
  • I intend to live forever -- so far so good.
  • It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.
  • I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
  • I don't really see what the fun in watching drag racing is. Sure, it's funny to watch grown men run down the street in high heels and a dress, but other than that, it's boring.
  • I disagree with my psychiatrist's assertion that I'm depressed because I have a serotonin imbalance. I'm pretty sure the real reason is: My life sucks.
  • There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.
  • You just can't go to a public pool and splash around any more. Everyone's swimming laps now. Some guy jumped in behind me and said, "How long you gonna be using this lane, dude?" I told him "Until my bladder's empty."
  • Anybody who can swallow an aspirin at a drinking fountain deserves to get well.
  • By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
  • The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.
  • The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.

Submitted by Dewey, Pensacola, FL

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Everything I need to know about life, work, and everything else I learned from old TV shows:
  • Only thin women look good in tight jeans. [Mr Ed]
  • Remote administration can work in your favor, depending on exactly how remote the administration is. [My Favorite Martian]
  • Extreme shortsightedness is funny, but only to onlookers. [Mr Magoo]
  • Substandard building construction is quaint, and leaking roofs are picturesque. [Green Acres]
  • Type-A personalities have no idea what is really going on. [Dad's Army]
  • You can get away with more outside your post, than at it. [Third Rock from the Sun]
  • All organizations need a fall guy. [M*A*S*H*]
  • Obese Germans always eat a lot. [Hogan's Heroes]
  • Conforming to stereotype keeps you in work. [The Odd Couple]
  • Things get really complex when relatives visit unannounced. [Bewitched]
  • There CAN be smoke without a fire. [Gilligan's Island}
  • Nice guys may not actually Ďwiní, but they donít mind losing. In fact, most of the time they donít realize that theyíve lost. [The Beverly Hillbillies]

Submitted by Paul, Oklahoma City, OK

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Quotes by Albert Einstein
  • "If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?"
  • "The must incomprehensible thing about the universe is that it is comprehensible."
  • "Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new."
  • "Try not to become a man of success but rather try to become a man of value."
  • "Gravitation can not be held responsible for people falling in love."
  • "You do not really understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother."
  • "The wireless telegraph is not difficult to understand. The ordinary telegraph is like a very long cat. You pull the tail in New York, and it meows in Los Angeles. The wireless is the same, only without the cat."
  • "When asked how World War III would be fought, Einstein replied that he didn't know. But he knew how World War IV would be fought: With sticks and stones!"
  • "Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That's Relativity."
  • "Sometimes one pays most for the things one gets for nothing."
  • "Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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When Insults Had Class
  • "He is a self-made man and worships his creator." -- John Bright
  • "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." -- Irvin S. Cobb
  • "He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." -- Samuel Johnson
  • "He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." -- Paul Keating
  • "He had delusions of adequacy." -- Walter Kerr
  • "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" -- Mark Twain
  • "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."-- Mae West
  • "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." -- Oscar Wilde

Submitted by Jay, Long Island, NY.

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The Nose-Picking Glossary
  • The Kiddie Pick: When you're by yourself and you uninhibitedly twist your forefinger into your nostril with childlike joy and freedom. And the best part is, there's no time limit!
  • Camouflaged Kiddie Pick: When, in the presence of other people, you wrap your forefinger in a tissue, then thrust it in deep and hold back the smile.
  • Fake Nose Scratch: When you make believe you've got an itch but you're really trolling the nostril edge for stray boogers.
  • Making A Meal Out Of It: You do it so furiously, and for so long, you're probably entitled to dessert.
  • Surprise Pickings: When a sneeze or laugh causes a booger to come hurtling out of your nose, and you have to gracefully clean it off your shirt.
  • Autopick: The kind you do in a car, when no one's looking. NOTE: Someone is always looking.
  • Pick Your Brains: Done in private, this is the one where your finger goes in so far, it passes the septum.
  • Pick And Save: When you have to pick it quickly, just when someone looks away, and then you pocket the booger so they don't catch on to what you did.
  • Pick And Roll: No explanation needed.
  • Pick And Flick: Ditto.
  • Pick And Stick: You wanted it to be a "Pick and Flick," but it stubbornly clings to your fingertip.
  • Paydirt: The kind where you remove a booger so big, it improves your breathing by 90%.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

(Who thinks these thing up? - Mike)

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A truly Happy Person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

And, one who can enjoy browsing old cemeteries... Some fascinating things on old tombstones!

In Albany, New York:

Harry Edsel Smith
Born 1903--Died 1942.
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down. It was.

In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:

Here lies an Atheist, all dressed up and no place to go.

On the grave in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia :

Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102. Only The Good Die Young.

In a London, England cemetery:

Here lies Ann Mann, Who lived an old maid but died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767

In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:

Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread, And the Lord sent them manna.
Clark Wallace wanted a wife, And the Devil sent him Anna.

In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:

Here lies Johnny Yeast... Pardon me for not rising.

In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery:

Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.
Stepped on the gas instead of the brake.

In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:

Here lays The Kid.
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger
But slow on the draw.

A lawyer's epitaph in England:

Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer,
and that is Strange.

John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:

Reader, if cash thou art in want of any,
Dig 6 feet deep and thou wilt find a Penny.

In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:

On the 22nd of June, Jonathan Fiddle went out of tune.

Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont:

Here lies the body of our Anna,
Done to death by a banana.
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,
But the skin of the thing that made her go.

On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket, Massachusetts:

Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod.
Pease shelled out and went to God.

In a cemetery in England:

Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I
As I am now, so shall you be.
Remember this and follow me.

To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:

To follow you I'll not consent ...
Until I know which way you went.

Submitted by Bob, Rockville, Md.

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You Know You Have Had Too Much Coffee When...
  • Juan Valdez names his donkey after you
  • You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked
  • You grind your coffee beans in your mouth
  • You sleep with your eyes open
  • You have to watch videos in fast-forward
  • You lick your coffee pot clean
  • Your eyes stay open when you sneeze
  • The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse
  • You can type sixty words a minute with your feet
  • You can jump-start your car without cables
  • Your only sources of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low"
  • You don't sweat, you percolate

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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Vermont's Dumb Laws
  • Whistling underwater is illegal
  • At one time it was illegal to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole.
  • Women must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth.
  • It is illegal to deny the existence of God
  • Lawmakers made it obligatory for everybody to take at least one bath each week- - on Saturday night.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Top Things You Don't Want to Overhear Over an Airline P.A. System
  • Ocean crossing flight: This is your Captain speaking, I just wanted to take this time to remind you that your seat cushions can be used as floatation devices.
  • Hey folks, we're going to play a little game of geography trivia. If you can recognize where we are, tell your flight attendant and receive an extra pack of peanuts.
  • Our loss of altitude allows a unique close up perspective of the local terrain. I assure you that it's all part of our airline's new commitment to make your a flight a sight seeing extravaganza.
  • Goose! Bogey at 2 o' on our tail!!!! Eject!!!! Eject!!!!!!!
  • Ummmmmm....Sorry......(silence)
  • (As the plane turns around right after takeoff)....uhhhhh....we have to go back ....we ..we ....uhhhhhh ....forgot something.....
  • I'm sure everyone noticed the loss of an engine, however the reduction in weight and drag will mean we'll be flying much more efficiently now.
  • Fasten your seat belt. (same tone your friend with the suicidal driving tendencies uses when you get in the car).
  • This is your Captain speaking....these stupid planes are a lot different than the ships I'm used to.. so you'll have to give me some leeway...
  • It would be a good idea if right now everyone closed their shades and watched the in-flight movie.
  • We've now reached our cruising altitude of 20,000 feet and ... Oh noooooooo!!!!!..
  • Don't worry! That one is always on E...
  • Get the parachutes ready...
  • Drinks are on me...
  • I'll have what the Captain's having...
  • Hey capt'n take another hit man...

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Interesting Quotes
  • If you want to say it with flowers, a single rose says: "I'm cheap!" -Delta Burke
  • Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself. -Roseanne
  • I am not the boss of my house. I don't know when I lost it. I don't know if I ever had it. But I have seen the boss's job and I do not want it. -Bill Cosby
  • My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance. -Tim Allen
  • We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms." -Elayne Boosler
  • Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home. -Phyllis Diller
  • Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded. -Tim Allen
  • If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. -George Carlin
  • I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. -Zsa Zsa Gabor

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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Deep Thoughts about Pigs & Sheep
  • Do you think sheep know when you're pulling the wool over their eyes?
  • Does the person who inventories sheep often fall asleep on the job?
  • If a pig is sold to the pawn shop is it then called a ham-hock?
  • If we make sweaters out of a sheep's hair, what do the sheep use to make sweaters?
  • If you can't make a silk purse from a sow's ear what can you make with it?
  • If you pushed a pig down a hill would he be a sausage roll?
  • What do pigs say when they don't want to do something? Would it be 'Yea when humans fly'?
  • What do sheep count when they can't get to sleep?
  • Why can't pigs look up into the sky?
  • Why do pigs have curly tails?
  • Why do we call them guinea pigs when they are neither from Guinea nor are they pigs?
  • Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
  • Why is it that only pigs and humans can get sunburn?
  • Why is it that the first thing we try to do after killing a pig is to cure it?
  • Would a small pig be called a hamlet?

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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How Mary Jo sees life!
  • My ex and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
  • I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
  • Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
  • I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
  • Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.
  • You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
  • Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
  • Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
  • I'm not a complete idiot -- some parts are just missing.
  • Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
  • NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
  • God must love stupid people; He made so many.
  • The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
  • Consciousness --that annoying time between naps.
  • Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
  • Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
  • Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.
  • Procrastinate now!
  • I have a degree in liberal arts; do you want fries with that?
  • A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
  • A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
  • Stupidity and laziness are not handicaps. Park elsewhere!
  • He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
  • A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
  • Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
  • The trouble with life is there's no background (disco) music.
  • The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
  • I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

Submitted by Mary Jo, Emmitsburg, MD.

Go to page 28 of Humorous Saying

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