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Recently seen bumper stickers ...
  • If You Can't Feed Em, Don't Breed Em!
  • Constipated People Don't Give A Crap.
  • If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
  • The Earth Is Full - Go Home. I Have
  • The Body Of A God - Buddha.
  • Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.
  • If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?
  • Illiterate? Write For Help.
  • Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes.
  •  I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.
  • I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To
  • Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
  • (Seen Upside Down On A Jeep) If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over...
  • Stop Lights Timed For 35 mph Also Are Timed For 70 mph
  •  Ax Me About Ebonics.
  • Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel.
  • Boldly Going Nowhere.
  • Caution - Driver Legally Blonde.
  • Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window.
  • All Men Are Animals; Some Just Make Better Pets.

And Finally

  • Politicians & Diapers Both Need to Be Changed Often, and for the Same Reason

Submitted by former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed Houck

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Great police one-liners
  • "You know, stop lights don't come any redder that the one you just went through."
  • "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
  • "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
  • "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
  • "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."
  • "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
  • "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supe! rvisor?"
  • "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
  • "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
  • "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."
  • "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
  • "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
  • "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"
  • "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
  • "I'm glad to hear that Chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
  • "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here!

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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George Carlin's new rules

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 or 30 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days-he's mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out of a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Caviar?

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope . If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from figuring which way to slide my card, entering my PIN number, finding and pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my candy bar.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "chicken with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule : Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those celebrities playing poker was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh no wait! They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it' s for babies and new homes, graduations and getting out of rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people's version of looting.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying" Do you want fries with that?"

Submitted by former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed Houck

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Ann Landers challenged her readers to come up with the world's third-biggest lie

... right after "The check is in the mail" and "I'm from the government and I'm here to help you." Here is a sampling from the thousands she received:

  • "It's a good thing you came in today. We only have two more in stock."
  • "Five pounds is nothing on a person of your height."
  • "You made it yourself? I never would have guessed."
  • "Of course I'll respect you in the morning."
  • "You don't look a day over 40."
  • "Dad, I need to move out of the dorm into an apartment of my own so I can have some peace and quiet when I study."
  • "It's delicious, but I can't eat another bite."
  • "The new ownership won't affect you. The company will remain the same."
  • "The puppy won't be any trouble, Mom. I promise I'll take care of it myself."
  • "Your hair looks just fine."
  • "Put away the map. I know exactly how to get there."
  • "You don't need it in writing. You have my personal guarantee

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Rodney Dangerfield one liners...
  • It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!
  • Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
  • A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home!
  • A hooker once told me she had a headache.
  • I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.
  • If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
  • I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."
  • I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
  • My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
  • I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
  • My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer
  • My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

Submitted by Bill, Gettysburg, Pa.

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Ramblings of a retired mind
  • I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener.
  • I also made a cover for my hearing aid and now I have what they call 'blue teeth', I think
  • You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.
  • I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!
  • I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is 'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.'
  • I thought about making a fitness movie, for folks my age, and call it "Pumping Rust."
  • I have that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!
  • I know, when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I want to say, ?"No, it's for company!"
  • Employment application blanks always ask 'who is to be notified in case of an emergency.' ?  I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"
  • Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do... write to these men?
  • Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail? Or better yet, arrest them while they are taking their pictures!
  • I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older.  Then, it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals. As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.

Submitted by former Emmitsburg Mary Ed Houck

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Definition of a kiss
  • Prof. of Economics - Kiss is that thing for which the demand is aways higher than the supply.
  • Prof. of Accountancy - Kiss is a credit because it is profitable when returned.
  • Prof. of Algebra - Kiss is infinity because two divided by nothing.
  • Prof. of Geometry - Kiss is the shortest distance between two lips.
  • Prof. of Physics - Kiss is the contraction of mouth due to the expansion of the heart.
  • Prof. of Chemistry - Kiss is the reaction of the interaction between two hearts.
  • Prof. of Physiology - Kiss is the juxtaposition of two orbicularisoris muscles in the state of contraction.
  • Prof. of Dentistry - Kiss is infectious and antiseptic.
  • Prof. of Philosophy - Kiss is the persecution for the child, ecstasy for the youth and homage for the old.
  • Prof. of Comp. Science  - What is a kiss? It seems to be an undefined variable!
  • Prof. of English - Kiss is a noun that is used as a conjunction, it is more common than proper, it is spoken in the plural and it is applicable to all.
  • Prof. of Architecture - Kiss is a process which builds a solid bond between the two dynamic objects.

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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These are real notes written by parents.... Spellings have been left intact.
  • My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.
  • Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot.
  • Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.
  • Please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating.
  • Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
  • John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
  • Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
  • Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
  • Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
  • Please excuse ray friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
  • Pleaseexcuse Lesli from being absent yesterday. She had diahre dyrea direathe the shits.
  • Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.
  • Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
  • Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
  • I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because i don't know what size she wear.
  • Please excuse jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it monday. We thought it was sunday.
  • Sally won't be in school a week from friday. We have to attend her funeral.
  • My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines.
  • Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
  • Please excuse mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
  • Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
  • Please excuse brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.
  • Maryann was absent december 11-16, because she had a fever, sorethroat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever an sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

Now we know why parents are screaming for better education for our kids.

Submitted by former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed

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Actual outtakes from articles in British Newspapers
  • Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house." (The Daily Telegraph)
  • Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)
  • A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common". (TheTimes)
  • At the height of the gale, the harbormaster radioed a coastguard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. ( Aberdeen Evening Express)
  • Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue , Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.'" ( Bournemouth Evening Echo)

A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers...

  • "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction."
  • "Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."
  • "Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."
  • "Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'."
  • "We are now travelling through Baker Street ... As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that".
  • "Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me."
  • During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... Unfortunately, towels are not provided."
  • "Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause .) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...."
  • "Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions."
  • "Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."
  • "We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door."
  • "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"
  • "Please move all baggage away from the doors." (Pause..) "Please Move ALL belongings away from the doors." (Pause...) "This is a personal Message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door
  • "May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Strange Hospital Chart Notations
  • The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
  • The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.
  • Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
  • The skin was moist and dry.
  • Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
  • The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
  • She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.
  • Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
  • The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
  • I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
  • The patient was prepped and raped in the usual manner.
  • Examination reveals a well-developed male laying in bed with his family in no distress.
  • Patient was alert and unresponsive.
  • When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
  • The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.
  • Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.
  • Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
  • She is numb from her toes down.
  • Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.
  • While in the emergency room, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
  • The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
  • The patient suffers from occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

Submitted by Don, Hagerstown, Md.

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Some more from the master of the scalpel, Ambrose Bierce:
  • Majesty, n. The state and title of a king. Regarded with just contempt by the Most Eminent Grand Masters, Grand Chancellors, Great Inconhonees and Imperial Potentates of the ancient and honourable orders of republican America.
  • Man, n. An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His chief occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species, which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest the whole inhabitable earth and Canada.
  • Me, pro. The objectionable case of I. The personal pronoun in English has three cases, the dominative, the objectionable and the oppressive. Each is all three.
  • Meekness, n. Uncommon patience in planning a revenge that is worth while.
  • Mercy, n. An attribute beloved of detected offenders.
  • Monkey, n. An arboreal animal which makes itself at home in the genealogical tree.
  • Moral, adj. Conforming to local and mutable standard of right. Having the quality of general expediency.
  • Mouth, n. In man, the gateway to the soul; in woman, the outlet of the heart.

Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia

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What the teacher says and (what the teacher means)
  • Your son has a remarkable ability in gathering needed information from his classmates. (He was caught cheating on a test).
  • Karen is an endless fund of energy and viability. (The hyperactive monster can't stay seated for five minutes).
  • Fantastic imagination! Unmatched in his capacity for blending fact with fiction. (He's definitely one of the biggest liars I have ever met).
  • Margie exhibits a casual, relaxed attitude to school, indicating that high expectations don't intimidate her. (The lazy thing hasn't done one assignment all term).
  • Her athletic ability is marvelous. Superior hand-eye coordination. (The little creep stung me with a rubber band from 15 feet away).
  • Nick thrives on interaction with his peers. (Your son needs to stop socializing and start working).
  • Your daughter's greatest asset is her demonstrative public discussions. (Classroom lawyer! Why is it that every time I explain an assignment she creates a class argument).
  • John enjoys the thrill of engaging challenges with his peers. (He's a bully).
  • An adventurous nature lover who rarely misses opportunities to explore new territory. (Your daughter was caught skipping school at the fishing pond).
  • I am amazed at her tenacity in retaining her youthful personality. (She's so immature that we've run out of diapers).
  • Unlike some students who hide their emotion, Charles is very expressive and open. (He must have written the Whiner's Guide).
  • I firmly believe that her intellectual and emotional progress would be enhanced through a year's repetition of her learning environment. (Regretfully, we believe that she is not ready for high school and must repeat the 8th grade).
  • Her exuberant verbosity is awesome! (A mouth that never stops yacking).

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

Go to page 27 of Humorous Saying

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