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The New York City school board has officially declared Jewish English - now dubbed "Hebonics" - as a second language.

Backers of the move say the city's School District is the first in the state to recognize Hebonics as a valid language and significant attribute of New York culture.

According to Howard Schollman, linguistics professor at New York University and renowned Hebonics scholar, the sentence structure of Hebonics derives from middle and eastern European language patterns, as well as Yiddish.

Prof. Schollman explains, "In Hebonics, the response to any question is usually another question-plus a complaint that is implied or stated. Thus 'How are you?' may be answered, 'How should I be, with MY feet?'"

Schollman says that Hebonics is a superb linguistic vehicle for expressing sarcasm or skepticism. An example is the repetition of a word with "sh" or "shm" at the beginning: "Mountains, shmountains. Stay away. You want a nosebleed?"

Another Hebonics pattern is moving the subject of a sentence to the end, with its pronoun at the beginning: "It's beautiful, that dress."

Schollman says one also sees the Hebonics verb moved to the end of the sentence. Thus the response to a remark such as "He's slow as a turtle," could be: "Turtle, shmurtle! Like a fly in Vaseline he walks."

Schollman provided the following examples from his textbook, "Switched-On Hebonics":

  • Question: "What time is it?" 
    English answer: "Sorry, I don't know."
    Hebonics answer: "What am I, a clock?"
  • Remark: "I hope things turn out okay."  
    English response: "Thanks."  
    Hebonics response: "I should BE so lucky!"
  • Remark: "Hurry up. Dinner's ready."
    English response: "Be right there."
    Hebonics response: "All right already, I'm coming! What's with the 'hurry' business? Is there a fire?"
  • Remark: "I like the tie you gave me; I wear it all the time."
    English response: "Glad you like it."
    Hebonics response: "So what's the matter; you don't like the OTHER ties I gave you?"
  • Remark: "Sarah and I are engaged."
    English response: "Congratulations!"
    Hebonics response: "She could stand to gain a few pounds."
  • Question: "Would you like to go riding with us?"
    English answer: "Just say when."
    Hebonics answer: "Riding, shmiding! Do I look like a cowboy?"
  • To guest of honor at his birthday party:
    English remark: "Happy birthday."
    Hebonics remark: "A year smarter you should become."
  • Remark: "A beautiful day."
    English response: "Sure is."
    Hebonics response: "So the sun is out; what else is new?"
  • Answering a phone call from a son:
    English remark: "It's been a long time since you called."
    Hebonics remark: "You didn't wonder if I'm dead yet?"

Submitted by Larry, Walkersville, Md.

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A little old Jewish lady gets onto a crowded bus and stands in front of a seated young girl. 

Holding her hand to her chest, she says to the girl, "If you knew what I have, you would give me your seat."

The girl gets up and gives up her the seat to the old lady. It is hot. The girl then takes out a fan and starts fanning herself. The woman looks up and says, "If you knew what I have, you would give me that fan." The girl gives her the fan, too.

Fifteen minutes later the woman gets up and says to the bus driver, "Stop, I want to get off here." The bus driver tells her he has to drop her at the next corner, not in the middle of the block. With her hand across her chest, she tells the driver, "If you knew what I have, you would let me off the bus right here." The bus driver pulls over and opens the door to let her out. As she's walking out of the bus, he asks, "Madam, what is it you have?"

The old woman looks at him and nonchalantly replies, Chutzpah."

Submitted by Larry, Walkersville, Md.

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A Jewish woman's husband dies and she has only $20,000 to her name. 

After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that she has no money left.

The friend says, "How can that be? You told me you still had $20,000 left just a few days before your husband died. How could you be broke?"

The widow says, "Well, the funeral home cost me $5,000. And of course, I had to make the obligatory donation to the temple, so that was another $5,000. The rest went for the memorial stone."

The friend says, "$10,000 for the memorial stone? My God, how big was it?"

Extending her left hand, the widow says, "Three carats."

Submitted by Larry, Walkersville, Md.

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A guy offers to buy a drink for an attractive young woman seated at a bar.

She gives him the green light, so he goes to the end of the bar and whispers to the bartender to make up a Martini for her and to put some Spanish-fly in the drink. The bartender whispers back to say he's all out of Spanish-fly and all he has left is Jewish-fly.

"Jewish-fly?" Shrugging his shoulders, the guy says, "OK, put some of that in her drink."

As she sips on the drink, she gets more and more cozy, really warming up to the guy. Finally, she finishes the drink, leans over and whispers in his ear, "Let's go shopping."

Submitted by Larry, Walkersville, Md.

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The year is 2012 and the United States has just elected its first woman as well as its first Jewish President, Ms. Susan Vineberg.

The President-elect calls her mother a few weeks after election day and says, "So, Ma, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?"

"I don't think so," her mother replies. "It's a ten-hour drive, your father isn't as young as he used to be and my gout is acting up again."

"Don't worry about it, Mom," says the future President. "I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door."

"Oh, I don't know," her mother says, doing what she does best.

"Everybody will be so fancy, I don't know what on earth I would wear."

"Oh, Mom," replies Susan, "don't worry about it. I'll make sure you have a wonderful new gown, maybe by Christian Dior."

"Honey," her mother complains, "you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat."

The President-to-be responds, "Don't worry, Mom. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York, kosher all the way. Mom, I want you to come."

So Mom agrees, and on January 21, 2013, Susan Vineberg is being sworn in as President of the United States of America. In the front row sits the new President's mother, who leans over to a Senator sitting next to her and says, "You see that woman over there with her hand on the Bible becoming President of the United States?"

The Senator whispers back, "Yes, I do."

"Her brother's a doctor."

Submitted by Wink, Brooklyn, NY.

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Jewish One Liners
  • Q: What's the difference between a Jewish Mother and a Rottweiler?

A: A Rottweiler eventually lets go.

  • There is a big controversy these days concerning when life begins. In Jewish tradition the fetus is not considered a viable human being until after graduation from medical school.
  • An elderly Jewish woman is leaving the garment district to go home from work. Suddenly a man who has been walking towards her, stands in front of her, blocks her path, opens up his raincoat and flashes her. Unruffled she takes a look and remarks, "You call that a lining?"
  • A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has been given a part in the school play. "Wonderful," says the mother, "What part is it?

The boy says "I play the part of the Jewish husband!" The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part!!"

  • Moishe walks into a post office to send a package to his wife. The postmaster says "this package is too heavy-you'll need another stamp."

    Moishe replies "And that will make it lighter?"
  • Q. If a doctor carries a black bag and a plumber carries a tool box, what does a mohel carry?
    A. A Bris-kit.
  • Q. What is the technical term for an uncircumcised Jew who is more than 8 days old?

A. A girl.

Submitted By Larry, Walkersville, Md.

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An elderly Jewish woman decided to have her portrait painted.

She told the the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and Rolex."

"But you are not wearing any of those things."

"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."

Submitted by Jamie, Crofton, Md.

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If their mothers were Jewish:
  • Paul Revere's mother: "I don't care where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is past your curfew."
  • Mona Lisa's mother: "After all that money your father and I spent on braces, that's the biggest smile you can give us?"
  • Columbus' mother: "I don't care what you've discovered, you still could have written!"
  • Michelangelo's mother: "Can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?"
  • Napoleon's mother: "all right, if you aren't hiding your report card inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and show me."
  • Abraham Lincoln's mother: "again with the stovepipe hat? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"
  • Mary's mother: "I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to school, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you."
  • Albert Einstein's mother: "But it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something . . .?"
  • George Washington's mother: "The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"
  • Jonah's mother: "That's a nice story. Now tell me where you've really been for the last three days."
  • Thomas Edison's mother: "Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off and get to bed!"

Submitted By Larry, Walkersville, Md.

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A lovely young Jewish girl was employed by a clothing firm in New York. 

She and her widowed mother shared the same ambition: marriage to a wealthy man. One day she returned from work, eyes red from crying. As soon as she entered the apartment she called, "MAMA, I'm pregnant! The father is my boss."

She began to sob uncontrollably while her mother tried to console her.

The next morning, the mother charged into the office of the boss. "YOU," she shouted, "What's going to be?"

The elegantly attired man, handsome and unmarried and in his mid-thirties, held up his hand: "Please take a seat, Mrs. Horowitz. I'm making all the arrangements. Your daughter will have the best doctor money can buy before the baby is born. She'll be in the best hospital. And afterward, I am arranging for a trust fund for her where she will receive a check for twenty five hundred dollars a week."

The mother was taken aback and thought for a moment. "Tell me," she said, "God forbid, she should have a miscarriage, will you give her another chance?"

Submitted by Larry, Walkersville, Md.

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Welcome to: So You Wouldn't Mind Being A Kosher Millionaire?

You have three lifelines to help you, as follows:

1. You may call your Rabbi for his opinion.
2. You may ask the congregation for their opinion.
3. You may consider your spouse's opinion...or not.
4. Bonus lifeline! Your Mother will give you her opinion, whether
you ask for it or not.

Let's play: 

For $500

Q. Who is Israel's favorite Internet provider?
A. Netanyahoo.

For $1,000

Q. What is the name of a facial lotion made for Jewish women?
A. Oil of Oy Vey.

For $2,000

Q. What is the title of the new horror film for Jewish women?
A. Debbie Does Dishes.

For $4,000

Q. What is the technical term for a divorced Jewish Woman?
A. The "Plaintiff."

For $8,000

Q. How does a Jewish kid verbally abuse his playmates?
A. "Your Mother pays retail."

For $16,000

Q. In the Jewish doctrine, when does the fetus become human?
A. When it graduates from medical school.

For $32,000

Q. What does a Jewish woman do to keep her hands soft and her nails long and beautiful?
A. Nothing, she does nothing at all.

For $64,000

Q. Define "Genius."
A. A "C" student with a Jewish mother.

For $125,000

Q. What do you call a bloodthirsty Jew on a rampage?
A. Genghis Cohen.

For $250,000

Q. Why did the Mohel retire?
A. He just couldn't cut it anymore.

For $500,000

Q. If Tarzan and Jane were Jewish, what would Cheetah be.
A. A fur coat.

For $1,000,000

Q. What is the difference between a Jewish Grandmother and an Italian Grandmother?
A. 10 lbs..

Submitted by Marianne, Columbia, Md.

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Whether Sex is a sin or not hinges on whether sex is considered work or play

So one day, a mine sets out to find out. He therefore decides to ask a priest for his opinion.

After consulting the Bible, the priest says, "My son, I've done exhaustive research, and I have come to the conclusion that sex is work; hence, it is not permitted on Sundays."

Dissatisfied with the answer, the man thinks to himself, "What does a priest know about sex anyway?"

He decides, therefore, to ask a minister - who is married with children who undoubtedly is experienced in sex. As for his opinion. After querying the minister, he receives the same answer: "Sex is considered work; consequently, one is not allowed to engage in it on the Sabbath!"

Still not pleased with the response, he seeks out the ultimate authority - a man of thousands of years of tradition and knowledge - a rabbi.

The rabbi ponders the question and states, "My son, sex is definitely play."

"Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me that sex is work?" the man asks.

"Because," the rabbi responds, "if sex was work, my wife would have the maid do it."

Submitted by Marianne, Columbia, Md.

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After digging to a depth of 100m last year, Russian scientists found . . .

. . .traces of copper wiring dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network one thousand years ago.

Not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, American scientists dug200m,and the headlines in the US newspapers read: "U.S. scientists have found traces of 2000 year old optical fibres, and have concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high-tech digital telephones 1000 years earlier than the Russians."

One week later, the Irish press reported the following: "After digging as deep as 500m, Irish scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have concluded that 5000 years ago, their ancestors were already using mobile phones."

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A construction site foreman was interviewing an Italian for a job . . .

 when along came a Italian from Melrose Park. "I'm not hiring any wise-ass Italian," the foreman thought to himself, so he made up a test hoping that the Italian wouldn't be able to answer the questions, and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument. "Here's your first question," the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Without numbiz?" the Italian says. "Dat's easy," and proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the foreman asks.

"Ain't you got no brains? Tree 'n tree n' tree makes nine."

"Fair enough," says the foreman. "Here is your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."

The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree.

"Dare ya go," he says.

The foreman scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to
represent 99?"

"Each a da tree's is dirty now! So it's dirty tree, 'n dirty tree, 'n dirty tree. Dat's 99."

The foreman is getting worried he's going to have to hire him, so he says,"Alright, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."

The Italian stares into space again, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree, and says, "Dare ya go. A hunnert."

The foreman looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred."

The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the tree bases, and says, "A little dog comes along and he does his business by each tree over by dare, so now you've got dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, an' dirty tree an' a turd, which makes a hunnert. So, when do I start?"

Submitted by Bob, Cincinnati, Oh.

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At the conclusion of the physical exam . . .

. . . the doctor summoned his patient into his office with a very grave look on his face. "I hate to be the one to break it to you, Fred, " he said, "but I'm afraid you've only got about 6 months to live."

"Oh my God" gasped Fred, turning white. When the news had sunk in he said, "Listen Doc, you've known me a long time. Do you have any suggestions as to how I could make the most of my remaining months?"

"Have you ever married?" asked the doctor.

Fred explained that he had been a bachelor his whole life.

"You might think about taking a wife," the doctor proposed. "After all, you'll need someone to look after you during the final illness."

"That's a good point Doc," mused Fred. "And with only 6 months to live I better make the most of my time."

"May I make one more suggestion?" asked the doctor. When Fred nodded, he said "Marry a Jewish girl."

"A Jewish girl? How come?" asked Fred.

"It'll seem longer."

Submitted by Marianne, Columbia, Md.

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An older Jewish couple are very much in love . . .

. . .. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm. They decide to ask the rabbi. The rabbi listens to their story and makes the following suggestion: "Hire a hunk of a young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm." They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. But it doesn't help and she is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi. "Okay", says the rabbi, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them." Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, screaming orgasm. The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly, "You see, THAT'S the way to wave a towel!"

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