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Jewish one, err, two, well ok, ok three liners . . .
  • 5761 = Year according to Jewish calendar
    4698 = Year according to Chinese calendar
    1063 = Total # of years that Jews went without Chinese food
  • Q - What did the waiter ask the group of dining Jewish mothers?
    A - "Is ANYTHING all right?"
  • Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take the change a light bulb?
    A: (Sigh) Don't bother, I'll sit in the dark, I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody.
  • Sam Levy was driving down the road, gets pulled over by a policeman. Walking up to Sam's car, the policeman says, "Your wife fell out the car 5 miles back." Sam replies, "Thank God for that...I'd thought I'd gone deaf!"
  • Did you hear about the bum who walked up to the Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady, I haven't eaten in three days." "Force yourself," she replied.
  • A young Jewish man calls his mother and says, "Mom, I'm bringing home a wonderful woman I want to marry. She's a Native American and her name is Shooting Star." "How nice," says his mother. "I have an Indian name too," he says. "It's Running Water," and you have to call me that from now on." "How nice," says his mother. "You have to have an Indian name too, Mom," he says. "I already do," says the mother, "Just call me Sitting Shiva."
  • A man calls his mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you?" "Not too good," says the mother. "I've been very weak." The son says, "Why are you so weak?" She says, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days." The man says, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days? The mother answers, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be full with food if you should call."
  • A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he's been given a part in the school play. "Wonderful," she says. "What part is it?" The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband." The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."
  • Jewish telegram: "Begin worrying. Details to follow."

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Italian Love Song

When the moon hits your eye
Like a big pizza pie
That's amore.

When an eel bites your hand
And that's not what you planned
That's a moray.

When our habits are strange
And our customs deranged
That's our mores.

When your horse munches straw
And the bales total four
That's some more hay.

When Othello's poor wife
She gets stabbed with a knife
That's a Moor, eh?

When a Japanese knight
Used a sword in a fight
That's Samurai.

Wait, there's more..........

A carrot, a mushroom and a tomato go to a posh nightclub. The doorkeeper
lets the carrot and tomato in, but not the mushroom. Angry, the mushroom
asks, "Why won't you let me in? I'm a ‘fun guy’." (Fungus . . . get it?)

A rope goes into a bar. The bartender kicks her out, saying, "We don't
want your kind in here." So the rope ties herself in a knot, frizzes up
her ends, and tries again. The bartender says, "Hey, aren't you the ropeI just threw out?" The rope answers, "No, I'm a frayed knot."

Submitted by Marianne, Columbia, Md.

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Two old Jewish men are strolling down the street one day. . .

. . . when they happen to walk by a Catholic church. They see a big sign posted that says, "Convert to Catholicism and get $10."

One of the Jewish men stops walking and stares at the sign. His friend turns to him and says, "Murray, what's going on?"

"Abe," replies Murray, "I'm thinking of doing it."

Abe says, "What are you, crazy?"

Murray thinks for a minute and says, "Abe, I'm going to do it."

With that, Murray strides purposefully into the church and comes out twenty minutes later with his head bowed.

"So," asks Abe, "did you get your ten dollars?"

Murray looks up at him and says, "Is that all you people think of?"

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Chinese Detective Story

A man suspected his wife of seeing another man. So, he hired a famous Chinese detective, Mee Lookee Yu, to watch and report any activities that might develop. A few days later he received this report:

Most honorable sir:
You leave house.
He come house.
I watch.
He and she leave house.
I follow.
He and she get on train.
I follow.
He and she go in hotel.
I climb tree-look in window.
He kiss she.
She kiss he.
He strip she.
She strip he.
He play with she.
She play with he.
I play with me.
I fall out of tree, not see.


Submitted by Mike, Broomfield, Co.

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A Jewish father, Moisha, was beset by his eldest son Yitzak ... 

. . ."Father, I am going to marry!"

His father begins to dance with joy and sing Hava Nagila ... "Tell me, is she a good Jewish girl?" says the father. "What is her name?"

"O'Brien" replies the son ... "She's Catholic..."

"Oy!" says the father .... "But are you happy?"

"I'm happy," says the son ...

"Ok ... as long as you're happy ... my blessings to you both," replies Moisha. But the father is still counting on his remaining sons, Schlemiel and Chutzpah.

Schlemiel calls on his father the next evening, "Father ... I too will be married soon!"

Again, Moisha breaks out in a dance and sings God's praises. "What is her name," implores the father?

"Kalolopodopolous," says the son. "She's Greek Orthodox ..."

"Oy," says Moisha ... "But are you happy?"

"I'm happy, father ..."

"Ok ... then you, too, have my blessing," intones Moisha.

Dejected, Moisha goes to the Temple to pray ... "Please God ... let my remaining son Chutzpah marry a nice Jewish girl ... to raise nice Jewish children in your eyes. PLEASE!"

Chutzpah comes to his father excitedly and exclaims, "Father! I am to wed in the spring!"

"Her NAME? WHAT IS HER NAME" his father immediately demands?

"Goldberg!" says Chutzpah!

Moisha is beside himself with joy! "Praise God! Praise the Prophets!" Turning to Chutzpah, he asks, "Is she Doctor Goldberg's daughter Shelley, from Los Angeles?

"No ..." says Chutzpah ...

"Hmmm," says Moisha ... "Must be Attorney Goldberg's daughter Rachel from Hollywood?"

"Ah ... no, Father" says Chutzpah ...

"Well, then, what is her first name, my youngest, truest, most beautiful

"Whoopi," says Chutzpah.

Submitted by Marianna, Colombia, Md.

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Learn Chinese In five minutes!!!!!! (Please read these out loud, it helps)
  • He's cleaning his automobile - Wa Shing Ka
  • This is a tow away zone - No Pah King
  • Is there a fugitive here? - Hu Yu Hai Ding?
  • Small Horse - Tai Ni Po Ni
  • Your price is too high - No Bai Nut Ding
  • Did you go to the beach? - Wai Yu So Tan?
  • I bumped into a coffee table - Ai Bang Mai Ni
  • It's very dark in here - Wai So Dim?
  • Has your flight been delayed? - Hao Long Wei Ting?
  • I thought you were on a diet - Wai Yu Mun Ching?
  • They have arrived - Hia Dei Kum
  • Your body odor is offensive - Yu Stin Ki Pu
  • I got this for free - Ai No Pei
  • You know lyrics to the Macarena? - Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?
  • Stay out of sight - Lei lo

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A pair of Irish ditch diggers were repairing some road side damage . . .

. . . directly across the street from a house of ill repute when they witnessed a Protestant Minister lurking about and then ducking into the house.

"Would ye look at that, Darby!" said Pat. "What a shameful disgrace, a Protestant Reverend sinning in a house the likes of that place!" They both shook their heads in disgust and continued their work. A short time later they watched as a Rabbi looked around himself cautiously and then darted into the house when he was satisfied no one had spied him.

"Did ya see that, Darby?", Pat asked the other in shock and disbelief. "Is nothing holy to those Jewish people? I just can't understand what the world is coming to these days. A man of the cloth indulging himself in sins of the flesh. Tis a shame, I tell ya!"

Not long had passed when they saw a third man, a Catholic Priest, lurking about the house looking around to see if any one was watching and then quietly sneaking in the door. "Oh no, Darby, look!" Said Pat removing his cap, "One o' the poor girls musta died!"

Submitted by Patty, Leasburg, Va.

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Irish day care


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A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a large amount of whisky at a local pub . . .

. . . As he wandered down the road, he felt quite sleepy and decided to take a nap, his back against a tree.

As he slept, two young female French tourists walked down the road and heard the Scotsman snoring loudly. When they came to the source of it, one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt."

So she boldly walked over to the sleeper, raised his kilt, and saw what nature had provided him with. Her friend said, "Well, he has solved a great mystery for us! Let's thank him for the education!"

Whereupon, she took a pretty blue ribbon from her hair and gently tied it around what nature had provided to the Scotsman.

Sometime later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature. He walked around to the other side of the tree, raised his kilt and bewilderment filled his mind at the sight of the bright blue ribbon tied neatly in a bow.

After several moments passed, he said, "I donna know where y'been lad... but it's nice ta'see y'won first prize!"

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Three guys, one Irish, one English, and one Scottish . . .

are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total", says the Genie.

The Scottish guy says, "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity." So, with a blink of the Genie's eye "FOOM" the oceans were teaming with fish.

The Englishman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that no one will get in for all eternity. Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye "POOF" there was a huge wall around England.

The Irishman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out."

The Irishman says, "Fill it up with water."

Submitted by Dave H., Bolder Colo.

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An aging man lived alone in Ireland . . .

His only son was in Long Kesh Prison, and he didn't know anyone who would spade up his potato garden. The old man wrote to his son about it, and received this reply: "Dad, for heavens sake, man, don't dig up that garden! Don' you remember, that's where I buried the GUNS!"

At precisely 5 a.m. the following mornin', a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, but found narry a gun.

Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next.

His son's reply was: "Dad... just plant your potatoes."


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An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York City  . . .

. . .with 2000 yen and walked out with $72.

The following week, he walked in with 2000 yen, and was handed $66. He  asked the teller why he got less money that week than the previous week. The  teller said, "Fluctuations."

The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, turned  around and shouted, "Fluc you Amelicans, too!"

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