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A true story is reported about NASA...

When preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts to a Navajo reservation in Arizona for training.

One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew walking among the rocks. The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question. His son translated for the NASA people: "What are these guys in the big suits doing?"

One of the astronauts said that they were practicing for a trip to the moon. When his son relayed this comment, the Navajo elder got all excited and asked if it would be possible to give to the astronauts a message to deliver to the moon.

Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a NASA official accompanying the astronauts said, "Why certainly!" and told an underling to get a tape recorder.

The Navajo elder's comments into the microphone were brief. The NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said. The son listened to the recording and laughed uproariously, but he refused to translate.

So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and played it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed long and loudly but also refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.

Finally, an official government translator was summoned. After he finally stopped laughing, the translator relayed the message: "Watch out for these people. They have come to steal your land."
 

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Walking through San Francisco's Chinatown...

...a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, "Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry."

"Moishe Plotnik?" he muses. "How the heck does that fit in here?"

So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter.

The tourist asks, "How did this place get a name like "Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry?"

The old man answers, "Is name of owner."

The tourist asks, "Well, who and where is the owner?"

"Me, is right here," replies the old man.

"You? How did you ever get a name like Moishe Plotnik?"

"Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front is Jewish gentleman from Poland. Lady look at him and go, 'What your name?'

He say, 'Moishe Plotnik.'

Then she look at me and go, 'What your name?'

I say, 'Sem Ting.'"
  

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At the Henry Street Hebrew School, Goldblatt, the new teacher ...

... finished the day's lesson. It was now time for the usual question period.

"Mr. Goldblatt," announced little Joey, "there's something I can't figger out."

"What's that Joey?" asked Goldblatt.

"Well according to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?"

"Right."

"An' the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?"

"Er--right."

"An' the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"

"Again you're right."

"An' the Children of Israel fought the 'gyptians, an' the Children of Israel fought the Romans, an' the Children of Israel wuz always doin' somethin' important, right?"

"All that is right, too," agreed Goldblatt. "So what's your question?"

"What I wanna know is this," demanded Joey. "What wuz all the grown-ups doing?"

Submitted by Debbie, Proud Wife of Paul, Middletown, Md.
 

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Morty and Saul, are out one afternoon on a lake when their boat starts sinking.

Saul says to Morty, "So listen, Morty, you know I don't swim so well. Your going to have use that  life saving training you got during our Synagogue summer camp days."

Morty went over what he still remembered of the training and  began tugging Saul toward shore. After ten minutes, he begins to tire. Finally about 100 feet from shore, Morty asks Saul, "So Saul, do you suppose you could float alone?"

Saul replies, "Morty, this is a hell of a time to be asking for money!"

Submitted by Larry, Walkersville, Md.
 

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Standing on the shore, a Jewish lady watches her grandson playing in the water.

She is thunderstruck when she sees a huge wave crash over him. When it recedes, the boy is no longer there -- he had vanished! Screaming, the woman holds her hands to the sky and cries, "Lord, how could you? Have I not been a wonderful mother and grandmother? Have I not scrimped and saved so I could give to the temple? Have I not always put others before myself? Have I not always turned my other cheek and loved my neighbors? Have I not--"

A deep loud voice from the sky interrupts. "Enough already, give me a break!"

Immediately, another huge wave appears and crashes on the beach. And when it recedes, the boy is there smiling, splashing around as if nothing ever happened.

The deep loud voice continues. "I have returned your grandson. Are you satisfied?"

The grandmother responds, "He had a hat."

Submitted by Larry, Walkersville, Md.
 

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Back in the cowboy days, a westbound wagon train was lost and low on food.

No other humans had been seen for days and then they saw an old Jewish cowboy sitting beneath a tree. The leader rushed to him and said, "We're lost and running out of food. Is there someplace ahead where we can get food?

"Vell," the old Jewish cowboy said, "I vouldn't go up dat hill und down da other side. Somevun told me you'll run into a big bacon tree."

"A bacon tree?" asked the wagon train leader.

"Yah, ah bacon tree. Trust me. For nuttin vud I lie."

The leader goes back and tells his people that if nothing else, they might be able to find food on the other side of the next ridge. "So why did he say not to go there?" some pioneers asked "Oh, you know the Jewish -- they don't eat bacon."

So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side. Suddenly, Indians attack and massacre everyone except the leader, who manages to escape back to the old Jewish cowboy, who's enjoying a "glassel tea." The near-dead man starts shouting. "You fool. You sent us to our deaths! We followed your instructions, but there was no bacon tree. Just hundreds of Indians, who killed everyone."

The old Jewish cowboy holds up his hand and says "Oy! vait a minute." He then gets out an English-Yiddish dictionary, and begins thumbing through it. "Gevalt, I made myself ah big mistake. It vuz not a bacon tree. It vuz a ham bush."

Submitted by Larry, Walkersville, Md.
 

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The Official Canadian Temperature Conversion Chart

  • 50 Fahrenheit (10 C): Californians shiver uncontrollably - Canadians plant gardens.
  • 35 Fahrenheit (1.6 C): Italian Cars won't start - Canadians drive with the windows down
  • 32 Fahrenheit (0 C): American water freezes - Canadian water gets thicker.
  • 0 Fahrenheit (-17.9 C): New York City landlords finally turn on the heat - Canadians have the last cookout of the season.
  • -60 Fahrenheit (-51 C): Mt.St. Helens freezes - Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door.
  • -100 Fahrenheit (-73 C): Santa Claus abandons the North Pole - Canadians pull down their ear flaps.
  • -173 Fahrenheit (-114 C): Ethyl alcohol Freezes - Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.
  • -460 Fahrenheit (-273 C): Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops - Canadians start saying "cold, eh?"

Submitted by Mike, Broomfield, Co.
 

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An Englishman, Scotsman and an Irishman applied for the position of a laboratory assistant.

They all attend an interview. The laboratory manager comes out of his office with three jar and he gives one to each candidate. He informs them that in each jar is a live spider. He asks them to take the jar home informing them that whoever has the most comprehensive observation results will be given the job and a starting salary of $60,000.

The exhausted and weary looking candidates returned the following morning. Suddenly the managers door swings open and he shouts in the English man. "Well, what have you found out about your spider," asked the manager.

"Well it has eight legs, a hairy body and its runs in all different directions." Replied the Englishman.

"Is that all you have to report?" asks the manager.

"Err ... err ... yes" replied the English man. "

"OK, said the manager, "please take a seat outside and send in the Scottish man."

The Scottish was also asked what he had found out about his spider. "Well it has eight legs, a brown body with lots of small hairs, it is only able to crawl three inches up the jar before falling back and the longest it stays still is five minutes."

"Very good," said the manager, "so far you have the job but I do have one more candidate to see, so could you please take a seat outside and send in the Irishman."

The Irishman was also asked what he had found out about his spider. "Watch this said the Irishman, who took the lid on off the jar and placed the spider on the managers desk. he said to the spider COME HERE!, the spider began walking towards him and he said STOP! and the spider stopped. Again the Irishman placed the spider back and said COME HERE! at which point the spider again began walking towards him, he again said STOP! and again the spider stopped."

"That's fantastic," said the manager fantastic, "this is worth a fortune, we will be rich !!!!."

The Irishman then said "eh if you think that's good wait for this." He picked up the spider placed it back and pulled all its legs off and then said to the spider "COME HERE!" the spider didn't move ........ "COME HERE!" Yelled the Irishman,  but still the spider didn't move.  The Irishman then screamed "COME HERE!!!" but still the spider didn't move.

The Irishman then proudly stood back and said to the manager "What do you think of that then!"

"Think what about what?" said the manager confused as to what he had proved.

"Well" said the Irishman, "it proves that when you pull a spiders legs off ..... they go deaf."

Submitted by Andy, Derbyshire, England
 

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A guy goes into a store and tells the clerk, "I'd like some Polish sausage."

The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya?"

The clerk says, "Well, no."

With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage?"

The clerk replies, "Because this is Home Depot"

Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa.
 

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There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
  • He never cut his hair
  • He walked around barefoot all the time
  • He started a new religion.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:

  • He went into His Fathers business
  • He lived at home until he was 33
  • He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his mother was sure he was God.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:

  • He talked with his hands
  • He had wine with every meal
  • He used olive oil.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Black

  • He called everyone "brother"
  • He liked Gospel
  • He couldn't get a fair trial

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:

  • He never got married
  • He was always telling stories
  • He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:

  • She had to feed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
  • She kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
  • Even when She was dead, She had to get up because there was more work for Her to do

Submitted by Jon, Miamisburg, OH.
 

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Culture Differences between Aussies, Canadians, Americans, and Brits:

On National Pride:

  • Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.
  • Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad
  • Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
  • Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.

On Helping Other Nations:

  • Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
  • Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.
  • Americans: Believe that people should look out for & take care of themselves.
  • Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job.

On their national Anthem:

  • Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.
  • Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.
  • Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them.
  • Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.

On Television:

  • Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
  • Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels.
  • Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels.
  • Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no-one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.

On Sports:

  • Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and basketball.
  • Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby.
  • Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.
  • Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they play them in.

On the English Language:

  • Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English".
  • Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English".
  • Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.
  • Aussies: Add "G'day", "mate" and a heavy accent to everything they say.

On Shopping:

  • Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island
  • Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
  • Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.
  • Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.

On Beer:

  • Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.
  • Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.
  • Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting piss.
  • Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.

On Helping Others in Need

  • Americans: Seem to think that poverty & failure are morally suspect.
  • Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
  • Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited things.
  • Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.

Submitted by Vicki, Kennet Square, Pa.
 

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An Arab was walking through the Sahara desert, desperate for water. . .

. . . when he saw something, far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image, only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out on it.

The Arab asked, "Please, I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?" 

The man replied, "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie? Here's one that goes nicely with your robes. "

The Arab shouted, "I don't want a tie, you idiot, I need water!"

"OK, don't buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you that over that hill there, about 4 miles, is a nice restaurant. Walk that way, they'll give you all the water you want." The Arab thanked him and walked away towards the hill and eventually disappeared.

Three hours later the Arab came crawling back to where the man was sitting behind his card table. The man said, "I told you, about 4 miles over that hill. Couldn't you find it?"

The Arab rasped, "I found it all right. Your brother wouldn't let me in without a tie."

Submitted by Mike, Broomfield, Co.
  

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An Irishman with a bad leg hobbled into a restaurant one afternoon. 

He painfully sat down at a booth and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Irishman looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus over there?" The waitress nodded so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee too.

The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth and asked the waitress for a glass of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked "Is that Jesus over there?". The waitress nodded so the Englishman said to give Jesus a cup of hot tea too.

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Hillbilly from Eastern Kentucky. He swaggered over to a booth, sat down and hollered "Hey there sweet thang, hows about getting me a cold glass of Coke!". He too looked across the restaurant and asked "Is that God's boy over there?". The waitress nodded so the Hillbilly said to give Jesus a cold glass of coke too.

As Jesus got up to leave He passed by the Irishman and touched him and said

"For your kindness, you are healed." The Irishman felt the strength come back into his leg and got up and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The English man felt his back straightening up and he raised his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door.

Then Jesus walked towards the Hillbilly. The Hillbilly jumps up and yells, "Hey man don't touch me ...... I'm drawing disability!!!!!"

Submitted by Vicki, Kennett Square, PA.
 

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A Jewish father, Moishe, is speaking with his eldest son, Yitzak . . .

... "Father, I am going to marry!"

Moishe begins to dance with joy and sing "Hava Nagila."

Tell me, is she a good Jewish girl? What is her name?"

"O'Brien," replies the son. ... "She's Catholic"

"Oy!" says the father. "But are you happy?" ... "I'm happy," says the son.

"OK, as long as you're happy. ... My blessings to you both," replies Moishe.

But the father is still counting on his remaining sons, Schlemiel and Chutzpah.

Schlemiel calls on his father the next evening, "Father, I too will marry soon!"

Again Moishe breaks out in a dance and sings God's praises.

"What is her name?" he asks.

"Kazalopopodopolous," says the son. "She's Greek Orthodox."

"Oy," says Moishe. "But are you happy?"... "I'm happy, father."

"OK. Then you, too, have my blessing," Moishe says.

Dejected, Moishe goes to the temple to pray. "Please, God, let my remaining son Chutzpah marry a nice Jewish girl to raise nice Jewish children in your eyes ... PLEASE!"

Chutzpah comes to his father excitedly and exclaims, "Father! I am to wed."

"Her NAME? WHAT IS HER NAME?" his father immediately demands. ...

"Goldberg!" says Chutzpah.

Moishe is beside himself with joy! "Praise God! Praise the Prophets!"

Turning to Chutzpah, he asks, "Is she Doctor Goldberg's daughter Shelley?"

"No..." says Chutzpah. ... "Hmmm," says Moishe. ... "Must be Attorney Goldberg's daughter Rachel?"

"Ah...no, father" says Chutzpah. ...

"Well, then, what is her first name, my youngest, most beautiful son?"

"Whoopi."
 

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An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin . . .

. . . orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, it would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I'm in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each o'me brothers and one for me self." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drink the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," He explains, "it's just that me wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected me brothers though."

Submitted by Marianne, Columbia, Md.
  

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Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' rather important to tell ye."

"Of course you can come in. You're always welcome here, Tim." says Brenda. "But where's me husband, Shamus?"

"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ye, Lass. There's been a simply tragic accident down at the Guiness brewery..."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is gone. I'm dreadfully sorry, Lass."

Finally, Brenda looks up at Tim and tearfully asks, "Please tell me how it happened, Tim."

"Aw, Lass, it was terrible. Poor Shamus fell into a vat o' Guiness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my Sweet Jesus! But please tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, no, Lass... not exactly."

"No?"

"No, fact is, he got out three times to visit the men's room."

Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa.
  

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There is a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere where the following group of people are stranded:
  • 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
  • 2 French men and 1 French woman
  • 2 German men and 1 German woman
  • 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
  • 2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
  • 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
  • 2 American men and 1 American woman
  • 2 Indian men and 1 Indian woman

One month later on this absolutely stunning deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following has occurred:

  • One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
  • The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a "menage a trois".
  • The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.
  • The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
  • The Bulgarian men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the Bulgarian woman and they started swimming.
  • The Irish began by dividing up their island, Northside and Southside, and by setting up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whiskey, but at least the English are not getting any.
  • The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide while the American woman keeps on talking about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much nicer and how her relationship with her mother is improving. But at least the taxes are low and it is not raining.

.AND...

The 2 Indian men are still waiting for someone to introduce them to the Indian woman.

Submitted by Larry, Walkersville, Md.
 

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