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There once was a happy little fly buzzing around a barn one day . . .

. . . when he happened upon a large pile of fresh cow manure.

Since it had been hours since his last meal and he was feeling hunger pangs, he flew down to the irresistible delicacy and began to munch out. He ate...And ate... and then .. he ate some more!!!

Finally, he decided he'd had plenty. He washed his face with his tiny front legs, belched a few times, then attempted to fly away. But! alas... he had pigged out far too much and could not get off the ground.

He looked around wondering what to do about this unpleasant situation when he spotted a pitchfork leaning upright against the barn wall. He'd found a solution!! He realized if he could just become airborne he'd be able to fly again. So, he painstakingly, climbed to the top of the handle. Once there, he took a deep breath, spread his tiny fly wings, and leaped confidently into the air.

He dropped like a rock and splattered all over the floor...Dead Fly....

The moral of this sad story?

"Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of shit."

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The George Carlin Theory About Life:

"The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch and you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities. You become a little baby, you go back into the womb, spend your last nine months floating. . . and you finish off as an orgasm."

Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, Pa.

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The airliner was sitting on the taxiway with all passengers aboard . . .

. . . for fifteen minutes when the stewardess finally came on the intercom. "The scheduled pilot and copilot have both called in sick. We will be delayed until the substitute pilots arrive."

Another fifteen minutes go by and the passengers are complaining and grumbling when up the ramp come two men. They are both wearing black glasses, carrying white canes, and feeling their way along. One passenger yells, "They're blind! What the hell kind of cruel joke is this?"

The two men feel their way forward and enter the cabin. The stewardesses try to reassure the passengers who are really getting upset. Then the plane starts to roll down the runway. Faster and faster it goes; farther down the runway it gets. The people are watching as the main terminal flashes past. Faster! They really start to get worried as they realize that they are rapidly approaching the end of runway which ends in a 100 foot cliff and the ocean. Faster! They see the warning lines on the runway flash past! The plane goes faster but isn't gaining altitude at all! It's still on the runway! FASTER!

Finally the passengers can't take it any more and 300 people scream at the top of their lungs! "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

And the plane takes off just as nicely and smoothly as you please.

The passengers are going nuts: having breakdowns; strokes; heart attacks; fits; etc. The stewardesses are dishing out free liquor as fast as they can. 

Up in the cockpit the pilot says to the copilot, "Ya know what Bob? One of these days they're not gonna' scream and we're screwed!"

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I'll never forget the first time I took it in my mouth...

I fiercely tore open its prison walls. I was surprised when it slid out into my hand, but I quickly adapted to the feel of it in my hand. I held it gently, careful that it didn't melt under my touch before I could really enjoy it. I held it to my nose and inhaled deeply, permanently storing its unique scent in my memory.

I gently ran my tongue across the ever-so-subtle ridge before taking it deeply into my mouth. I took it in my mouth as far as it would go. It took all of my strength to resist the urge to swallow it whole! My tongue worked on its sweet shell until I could finally start to taste its slightly salty filling...

The quickness took me by surprise, and I moaned in approval, even though I hoped it would have lasted longer. I held the last few morsels on my tongue, savoring the taste before swallowing it all. I smiled, already looking forward to the next time..............

Thank goodness Reese's peanut butter cups are sold in packages of two!

(What were *you* thinking?)

Submitted by Kevin, Dallas Tx.

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A gynecologist tired of his work . . .

. . . He really wanted to become an auto mechanic, but it seemed foolish to close a thriving practice and go into a field he was untrained for. So, he signed up for a night course on auto mechanics at the technical college.

For the final exam, he was required to tear down an engine and put it back together. He thought he did really well, but was eager to find out his grade. He stopped by the college the following day where the grades were posted. He looked down the list -- a 90, 74, 100, 85. He got to his grade -- 150 -- the only grade over 100. He went to the instructor and asked why he was the only student to get a grade over 100.

Well, the professor replied, I gave you 50 points for the way you took the engine apart. I've never seen an engine torn down more carefully. And I gave you 50 points for the way you put it back together. I believe it ran better after you had worked on it than when it was new. "Finally, I gave you 50 bonus points for doing all the work through the tailpipe.

Submitted by Kevin, Dallas, Tx. 

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And they say computers are dumb.

One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor." His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store with Windows2000 installed that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than any doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and Windows2000 will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.00." Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store.

Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:

You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks. That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change the use of computers in medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer with Windows2000 could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.

Windows2000 again made the usual noises, flashed lights, and printed out the following analysis:

Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant ... twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better

Submitted by Kevin, Dallas, Tx. 

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In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young woman . . .

. . . was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather miniskirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket.

As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still couldn't!

So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.

So, with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.

About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.

Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!"

At this the Texan drawled, "Well ma'am normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."

Submitted by Mike, Broomfield, Co. 

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Sixth grade science teacher Mr. Sampson asks his class:

. . . "Who can tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"

Nobody raises a hand, so he calls on the first student to look his way.

"Mary, can you tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"

Mary stands up, blushing furiously. "Sir, how dare you ask such a question?" she says. "I'm going to complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal, who will have you fired!"

Mr. Sampson is shocked by Mary's reaction, but undaunted. He asks the class the question again, and this time Sam raises his hand. "Yes, Sam?" says Mr. Sampson.

"Sir, the correct answer is the iris of the human eye."

"Very good, Sam. Thank you." Mr. Sampson then turns to Mary and says, "Mary, I have 3 things to tell you: First, it's clear that you have NOT done your homework. Second, you have a DIRTY mind. And third, I fear one day you are going to be sadly disappointed."

Submitted by Patty, Leasburg, Va. 

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Gender Speak
  • THINGY (thing-ee) n. female: Any part under a car's hood. male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
  • VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another. male: Playing football without a helmet.
  • COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner. male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.
  • BUTT (but) n. female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger." male: what you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning.
  • COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n. female: A desire to get married and raise a family. male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.
  • ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. female: A good movie, concert, play or book. male: Anything that can be done while drinking.
  • FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion. male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.
  • MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n. female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve. male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.
  • REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n. female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another. male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every three minutes

Submitted by Stas, Biglerville, Pa.  

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