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Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church.

The pastor said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."

The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"

The old man replied, "No problem at all, Pastor."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.

The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"

The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes, we made it."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.

The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"

"No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks?", the young man replied sadly.

"What Happened?" inquired the pastor.

"My wife was reaching for a can of paint on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."

"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.

"We figured that," said the young man, "we're not welcome at Home Depot anymore either."

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A young man in the Old West wanted to be the best gunfighter alive.

He practiced every day, but knew he was still missing something that would make him the best.

One night, as he was sitting in a saloon, he spotted an old man who had the reputation of being the greatest gunfighter in his day. So the young fella went over to the old man and told him his dream. The old man looked him up and down and said, "I have a suggestion that is sure to help."

"Tell me, tell me," said the young man.

"Tie the bottom of your holster lower onto your leg."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"

"Definitely," said the old man.

The young gunman did what he was told, then in a flash he drew his gun and shot the bow tie off the piano player. "Wow, that really helped. Do you have any more suggestions?"

"Yeah, if you cut a notch in the top of your holster where the hammer hits, the gun will come out smoother."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"

"It sure will," said the old man.

The young guy did what he was told, drew his gun in a blur and shot the cufflink off the piano player. "This is really helping me. Is there anything else you can share with me?

"One more thing," said the old man, "Get that can of axle grease over there in the corner and rub it all over your gun." The young man didn't hesitate but started putting the grease on the barrel of the gun. "No, the whole gun, handle and everything," said the old man.

"Will it make me a better gunfighter?"

"No," said the old man, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing that piano he's going to shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt nearly as much."

Submitted by Marianne, Columbia, Md.

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More Good One Liners
  • What's the definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.
  • What's the difference between the Pope and your boss? The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
  • My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.
  • Never trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent.
  • The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
  • I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once and the seat folded up.
  • The only thing wrong with a perfect drive to work is that you end up at work.
  • Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.
  • The blond told her friend, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off, so I was really relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid."
  • Q. Why is a union worker like a shotgun with a broken firing pin?
    A. It won't work and you can't fire it.
  • I'm so depressed... I went to the Dr. today and he refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. Said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.

Submitted by Marianne, Columbia, Md.

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Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation

"How'd you die?" the first man asks the second. "I froze to death," says the second. "That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"

"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"

"I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."

The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says. "What do you mean?" asks the first man. "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."

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A man feeling very depressed walked into a bar . . .

. . . and ordered a triple scotch whiskey. As the bartender poured him the drink he remarked, "That's quite a heavy drink. Is something wrong?"

After quickly downing his drink the man replied, "I got home and found my wife in bed with my best friend.

"Wow", exclaimed the bartender as he poured the man a second triple scotch, "No wonder you needed a stiff drink. This one's on the house." As the man finished the second scotch, the bartender asked him, "So what did you do?"

"I walked over to my wife", the man replied, "looked her straight in the eye and told her that we were through. I told her to pack her stuff and to get the hell out."

"That makes sense", said the bartender, "but what about your best friend?"

"I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye and said 'Bad dog!'"

Submitted by Vicki, Kennett Square, Pa.

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John invited his mother over for dinner

During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only make her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact she started to wonder if there was more between John and roommate than met the eye. Reading his moms thoughts, John volunteered, "I know just what you are thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

About one week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I have been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy don't suppose your mother took it, do you?

"John said "Well I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." The letter: Dear Mother, I am not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I am not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact of the matter is that since your visit it has been missing.

Several days later John received a letter from his mother which read: Dear Son: I am not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'don't" sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that is she was sleeping in her own bed she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love Mom

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City of Los Angeles High School Math Proficiency Exam

Name:____________________ Gang:_________________

  1. Johnny has an AK-47 with a 40-round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10shots and shoots 13 times at each drive-by shooting, how many drive by shootings can he attempt before he has to reload?
  2. Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine, and he sells an 8-ball to Jackson for $320 and 2 grams to Billy for $85 per gram. What is the street value of the balance of cocaine if he does not cut it?
  3. Rufus is pimping 3 girls. If the price is $65 for each trick, how many tricks will each girl have to turn so Rufus can pay for his $800 per day crack habit?
  4. Dino wants to cut his half-pound of heroin to make a 20% profit. How many ounces of cut will he need?
  5. Willis gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy and $100 for a4x4. If he has stolen 2 BMWs and 3 4x4s, how many Chevys will he have to steal to make $800?
  6. Raoul is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $10,000 for the hit. If his common law wife is spending $100 per month, how much will be left when he gets out of prison, and how many years will he get for killing the bitch that spent his money?
  7. If the average spray can covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 2 square feet, how many letters can a tagger spray with 3 cans of paint?
  8. Hector knocked up 6 of the girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in the gang. What percentage of the girls has Hector knocked up?

Submitted by Mary, Charlottesville, Va.

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Tommy Shaughnessy goes into the confessional box . . .

. . . and says, "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. It has been two weeks since my last confession. Since then, I have missed Mass twice and I have been intimate with a girl."

The priest says, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"

"Yes Father, It is."

"Who was this girl you were with?"

"I cannot tell you Father, because I don't want to ruin her reputation."

The priest asks, "Was it Brenda Patty O'Malley?"

"No Father".

"Was it Mary Patricia Kelly?"

"No Father."

"Was it Elizabeth Mary Shannon?"

"No Father".

"Was it Fiona Mary McDonald?"

"No Father".

"Was it Cathy Moran Morgan?"

"No, Father! I cannot tell you."

The priest finally gives up and says, "Tommy, I admire your perseverance, but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be three Hail Marys and four Our fathers. Now go back to your pew".

Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend, Sean, slides over and whispers, "So what happened? What did you get?"

"Well, I got three Hail Marys, four Our Fathers, and five good leads."


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A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory . . .

. . .the personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 a.m.

The next day at 8:45 a.m., there's a knock at the personnel manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee. He says she's incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up.

The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem. Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs.

The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and says, "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

Submitted by Kevin, Dallas, Tx.

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For his birthday, Little Johnny asked for a 10-speed bicycle.

His father said, "Son, we'd love to give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000, and there is no way we can afford it. The next day his father saw Little Johnny heading out the door with a suitcase. So, he asked, "Son, where are you going?"

Little Johnny told him, "I was walking past your room last night and I heard you tell Mom you were pulling out. I heard her tell you to wait, because she was coming too. And I'll be damn if I'm sticking around here by myself with an $80,000 mortgage and no means of transportation!

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Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday . . .

. . . and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday," and probably have a present for me. She didn't even say "Good Morning," let alone any "Happy Birthday." thought, "Well, that's wives for you.

The children will remember." The children came into breakfast and didn't say a word. When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet said, "Good Morning Boss, Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better; someone had remembered. I worked until noon. Then, Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."

I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go." We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.

On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment." After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable."

"Sure," I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends. All were singing Happy Birthday... 

and there on the couch I sat . . . naked.

Submitted by Dave, Emmitsburg, Md.

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Bill rents an apartment in Helena . . .

. . . and goes to the lobby to put his name on the group mailbox. While he was there, an attractive young lady comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.

Bill smiles at the young girl, and she strikes up a conversation with him.

As they talk, her robe slips open, and it's quite obvious that she has nothing on under the robe. Poor Bill breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and says, "Let's go in my apartment, I hear someone coming..."

He proceeds with her into the apartment, and after she closes the door, she leans against it allowing her robe to fall off completely. Being completely nude, she purrs at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" The flustered, embarrassed Bill stammers, clears his throat several times, and finally squeaks out, "Oh, it's got to be your ears!"

She's astounded! "Why my ears? Look at these breasts! They are full, don't sag, and they're 100% natural! My buns - they are firm and do not sag, and have no cellulite! Look at this skin, no blemishes, or scars!

Why in heaven's name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?!"

Clearing his throat once again, Bill stammers - "Outside when you said you heard someone coming - That was me!"

Submitted by Mike, Broomfield, Co.  

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