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This little Johnny has a clean act...finally... 

A First grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Johnny what is your problem?"

Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade too!"

The teacher had had enough. She took Johnny to the principal's office. While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. The teacher agreed.

Johnny was brought in and the conditions are explained to him and he agrees to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Johnny: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Johnny: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Johnny can go to the third grade. 

"The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Johnny both agree. The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Johnny, after a moment, "Legs."
Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Johnny replied, "Pockets."
Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Johnny: "Pants"
Teacher: "What starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?"
 Johnny: "Fire truck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Johnny in the fifth grade, I missed the last four questions myself.

Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, Pa.
  

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An old Jewish couple are sitting around one evening . . .

. . . and the man says to his wife, "We are about to celebrate our 50th wedding anniversary.  We've had a wonderful life together, full of contentment and blessings. But there's something I've always wondered about: tell me, have you ever been unfaithful to me? I want to tell you that I've always been faithful to you"

She hesitates a while and then says, "Yes, 3 times."

"Three times? How did it happen?" the man asks.

The wife begins slowly, "Well, do you remember right after we were married and we were broke and the bank was going to foreclose on our little house?"

"Yes, that was really a terrible time," replies the man.

The wife continues, "And remember when I went to see the banker one night and

the next day the bank extended our loan?"

"It is hard to take," the man says, "but I guess it really was for us and I can forgive you. What was the second time?"

"Well," she continues, "Do you remember years later when you almost died from the heart problem because we couldn't afford the operation?"

"Yes, of course." the man replies.

"Then you remember that right after I went to see the doctor he did your operation at no cost?" the wife continues."

Yes," says the husband." That shocks me too, but I understand you did it because of your love for me and I forgive you. But what was the third time?"

The wife lowers her head and says, "Remember when you ran for Temple president and needed 62 more votes?"

Submitted by Jon, Miamisburg, Oh.
  

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Every year at the state fair Paul entered the lottery for the brand new truck . . .

. . . and lost. This year, he told his friend David, he wasn't going to bother and enter.

"What kind of attitude is that?" David asked. He leaned closer and whispered, "What you need, pal, is faith. Look around and see if the good Lord sends you a message."

Strolling around the fair, Paul grew more and more despondent as the drawing neared. Nothing struck him, no divine inspiration, no sign from God. Finally, while he was passing old Mrs. Kelleher's pie stand, he glanced over and saw the woman bending down. She wasn't wearing any panties, and suddenly her butt began to glow. All of a sudden, a finger of flame came from the skies and without her even knowing it, used her butt as a notepad. The fiery finger etched a seven on each cheek.

Thanking God, Paul rushed to the raffle booth and played the number 77. A few minutes later, the drawing was held. And once again, Paul lost.

The winning number was 707 ....
  

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Each child had to get their parents to tell them a story with a moral . . .

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."

"And what's the moral of the story?" Asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher. "Now, Lucy?"

"Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched."

"That was a fine story, Lucy. Johnny, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had To bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets, then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Don't mess with Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."

Submitted by Mike, Broomfield, Co.
  

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Parents: You have reached the answering machine of your school . . .

. . . In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all options before making a selection."

  • To lie about why your child is absent, Press 1
  • To make excuses for why your child did not do his or her work, Press 2
  • To complain about what we do, Press 3
  • To cuss out staff members, Press 4
  • To ask why you didn't get needed information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and in several bulletins already mailed to you, Press 5
  • If you want us to raise your child, Press 6
  • If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone, Press 7
  • To request another teacher for the third time this year, Press 8
  • To complain about school lunches, Press 0
  • If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable/responsible for his/her own behavior, classwork, homework and that it's not the teacher's fault for your child(ren)ís lack of effort -Hang up and have a nice day!!!

Submitted by (Sister) Wink, New York, New York
 

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There once was a successful rancher who died and left everything to his devoted wife. 

She was determined to keep the ranch and make a go of it, but she knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for ranch hands. Two men applied for the job.

One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He turned out to be a fantastic worker, worked long hard hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing really well.

Then one day the rancher's wife said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job and we've both done nothing but work for weeks. The ranch looks great, and I'm taking Saturday night off and going into town to kick up my heels and paint the town red, and I think you should do the same."

The hired hand agreed readily, and Saturday night each went to town. The rancher's wife had dinner and drinks with friends, and talked and joked and danced, and had a great time, getting home about midnight. The hired hand wasn't home yet, so she decided to wait up for him. One o'clock and no hired hand yet. Two o'clock and no hired hand and she began to worry.

At two-thirty in came the hired hand. The rancher's wife was sitting by the fireplace and called him over by her.

"Now I'm the boss", she said, "and you have to do what I tell you, right?"

"Well. . . yes", he answered.
"Then unbutton my blouse and take it off", she said.
He did as she asked.
"Now take off my boots."
He did.
"Now take off my socks."
He did.
"Now take off my skirt."
He did.
"Now take off my bra." Again he did as she asked."

Then she looked at him and said, "Don't ever wear my clothes to town again."

Submitted by Paul, Middleburg, Va.
 

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This married man goes to confessional and he tells the priest . . .

. . . "I had an affair with a woman... almost." The priest says, "what do you mean almost?"

The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together but then I stopped."

The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the same thing. You're not to go near that woman again, now say five Hail Maryís and put $50 in the poor box."

The man leaves confessional, goes over and says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.

The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and says, "I saw that! You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The man replied, "Well Father, I rubbed up against it, and you said it was the same thing!"

Submitted by Jamie, Crofton, Md.
  

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The only cow in a small town in Poland stopped giving milk. 

The people did some research and found they could buy a cow from Moscow for 2,000 rubles or one from Minsk for 1,000 rubles. Being poor, they bought the cow from Minsk.

The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.

The people were very upset and decided to ask the rabbi, who was very wise, what to do. They told the rabbi what was happening. "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side."

The rabbi thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk ?"

The people were dumbfounded. They had never mentioned where they had gotten the cow. "You are truly a wise rabbi. How did you know we got the cow from Minsk?"

The rabbi answered sadly, "My wife is from Minsk."

Submitted by Michael, Emmitsburg, Md.
  

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The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date . . .

. . . with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitches a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that !!!!

The teenager tells her, "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!" and out she goes. 

The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her Grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it just is not appropriate.

The grandmother says, "Loosen up Sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets."

Submitted by Jon, Miamisburg, OH.

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The other day, my friends and I went to a ladies' night club. 

One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!

Not to be outdone, another friend pulled out a $20 bill. She called the guy back over, licked the $20 bill, and stuck it to his other butt cheek. In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulled out a $50 bill and called the guy over. I was worried about the way things were going, but she licked the bill and just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again.

My relief was short lived. Seeing the way things were going, the guy gyrated over to me! Now everyone's attention was focused on me, and the guy was egging me on to try and top the $50. My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet. What could I do?

I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his ass, grabbed the 80 bucks, and went home.
  

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A housewife took a lover during the day while her husband is at work. 

While this takes place she locks her 9 year old son in the bedroom closet. One day her husband comes home while the lover is there so she locks the lover in the same closet with the boy. They stand in the gloom for a while, then the boy says, "Dark in here."

"Yes, it is."
"I have a baseball."
"That's nice."
"Wanna buy it?"
"No."
"My dad's out there."
"OK, I'll buy it. How much."
"$25.00."
"Gee. OK, I'll buy it."

A week later the man is over again. The boy is locked in the closet again. The father comes home again. The man is locked in the closet with the boy again. They stand in the gloom until the boy says, "Dark in here."

"Yes, it is."
"I have a baseball glove."
"That's nice."
"Wanna buy it?"
Remembering the previous week, the man says, "Sure, how much?"
"$75.00."
"Fine."

The following weekend the father says to the boy, "Son, go get your ball and glove and lets play some catch."

"I can't, dad. I sold them."
"Really? For how much."
"$100.00"

"Son, you shouldn't rip your friends off like that. We didn't pay anywhere near that for those items. I'm taking you to the Priest and I want you to confess to him."

They go to the church to the confessional. The boy goes in and sits down. The little door opens so the Priest can hear his confession.

"What is your sin, my son."
The boy says "Dark in here."
The priest says "Don't start that again."

Submitted by Lisa, Damascus, Md.
 

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A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen . . .

. . . listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son say, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."

She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."
 

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One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. 

The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift. "How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly.

"Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet," was the shop owner's reply. The shop owner Chet began to sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..."

The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with:"Silent Night. Holy Night..."

The young man was so impressed that he paid the shopkeeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed. "How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?"

"No," the young man replied, "but he can sing. Let me show you." So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shopkeeper had shown him, and Chet crooned: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells!..."

The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came: "Silent Night. Holy Night..."

The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the lighter between his legs?"

The man did not know. "Let's try it." He answered, eager to please his wife. So they held the lighter between Chet's legs.

Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, the little parrot sang out loudly (like it was the performance of his life): "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."
 

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A resident in a seaside hotel breakfast room called over the head waiter. . .

. . . one morning and said, "I want two boiled eggs, one of them so undercooked it's runny, and the other so over cooked it's tough and hard to eat. Also grilled bacon that has been left on the plate to get cold; burnt toast that crumbles away as soon as you touch it with a knife; butter straight from the deep freeze so that it's impossible to spread; and a pot of very weak coffee, luke-warm."

"That's a complicated order sir," said the bewildered waiter. "It might be quite difficult."

The guest replied, "Oh, but that's what you gave me yesterday!"

Submitted by Alicia, Emmitsburg, Md.
 

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Two guys are driving through Alabama when they get pulled over . . .

. . . by a state trooper. The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick.

The driver says, "Why'd you do that?"

The trooper says, "You're in Alabama, son. When I pull you over, you'll have your license ready."

Driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here."

The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and the trooper smacks him with the nightstick.

The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?"

The cop says, "Just making your wishes come true."

The passenger askes, "Huh?"

The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say: 'I wish that jerk would've tried that stuff with me!'"

Submitted by Jamie, Crofton, Md.
 

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